Partner not ready to start a family...

[IntotheGray83]

Hi everyone,

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 13, and he's still not ready to start a family. I'm having such a hard time dealing with him putting his foot down. He hates seeing me upset about it, but he feels very strongly that we aren't financially stable enough to have a child. I feel like that is just an excuse though, because we have excellent communication regarding our finances. Sure, we aren't rich, but we have health insurance and we are managing well. I think it's more just that my husband isn't ready to be responsible for caring for a child. However, he says he wants kids, just "not yet." I am 30 now (so is my husband), and for the past 2 years I have felt an INTENSE drive to have a baby. It truly defies logic. I will talk myself down, tell myself my husband is probably right, that if we wait a while longer it will only make us more prepared, but then I hear of ANOTHER one of my friends getting pregnant, and I melt down. I am inconsolable for several hours if not most of a day. I understand that my husband's feelings are important. I don't WANT to push him into anything he isn't ready for, but then that drive kicks in and I find myself badgering him about the baby thing. I am terrified of waiting and waiting (did I mention I hate waiting in general?) for the "right time" to come, only to start trying to conceive and having some sort of infertility problems (I have no reason to actually be worried about this: my husband and I are both healthy and my mom had 6 kids and never had a problem getting pregnant). Matters were made worse when I was seeing a therapist who was biased on the matter: it had taken her 6 years to conceive her first child, and to make matters hilariously, ironically worse, she got pregnant (surprise!) with her second while I was seeing her. I also feel super shitty because sex is a trigger: I find myself avoiding having sex with him because it makes me so sad that it won't result in a baby. I'm so angry at him! I'm just so tired of experiencing these intense emotions every time I hear of someone else getting pregnant. I'm tired of being in opposition with my husband, the love of my life. I married him because he was the kind of man I wanted to spend my life with and because I knew he would be a wonderful and kind father. I'm tired of resenting him. I'm tired of feeling like he's the only thing standing in the way of me getting what I want out of life. I can't be mad at him anymore! I hate myself for it, but I can't deny how I feel. Does anyone else feel this way? I don't know anyone who is going through this or who has gone through it.

[Herself]

Would it be worth asking him to go to couples counseling about it? If he has other reasons, maybe he'd explain them to someone else. But it sounds like the situation is just creating resentment all around, so you need to do something.

[weary]

I also feel super shitty because sex is a trigger: I find myself avoiding having sex with him because it makes me so sad that it won't result in a baby. I'm so angry at him!

I can relate to this, even though the roles are reversed and we may have already missed our chance. I'm 41, my wife is 40, married for almost 15years and I am still waiting for her to get her shit together. We always planned on kids. She still says she wants them. But she is a mess. And afraid. So I get a lot of what you wrote. But the sex thing... Definitely.

I'm tired of resenting him. I'm tired of feeling like he's the only thing standing in the way of me getting what I want out of life. I can't be mad at him anymore! I hate myself for it, but I can't deny how I feel. Does anyone else feel this way?

Hell yes!!! All of that and more (it's not just about the kids issue,but that is a big one).

My younger sister had a baby (her first: my parents first grandchild) Monday. My wife's younger sister has two little girls, 8 and 5, that we adore. I have been experiencing that pang of watching everyone else have kids and feeling left out and left behind for a decade plus. I sometimes get really sad after spending time with my nieces, even though I love them, because I wonder when it will be my turn. Sometimes I get really sad or even angry when I see a young father at the store or the park with a baby or a toddler or a few kids, or a pregnant woman. And don't get me started on how attractive I find pregnant women and moms.

[bigeekgirl]

It would be my guess there's something more going on than worries about money or even not wanting the responsibility. It's always possible he doesn't actually want kids, but I tend to think most people do on some level and he may have some deep-seated fears he's not telling you about.

I'm in the scary spot at the moment of relating to both you and your husband. I want a child with all my heart, but I'm terrified at the prospect of bringing a whole person into the world when I barely trust myself to take care of me. I'm better at life than I give myself credit for and I'm in therapy working on the rest, but the idea of all my careful plans for what kind of mom I want to be falling apart in the face of the reality of parenting is the worst possible thing I can imagine. I know somewhat how it is from being a large part of the raising of my best friend's nine year old daughter over the first five years of her life and even though I moved away, I am still my friend's "same-sex platonic life partner" as we joke and she shares all the ins and outs with me. She's not perfect, but she models the most important things I hope to be if I get to be a mom. I don't tell her in so many words, but watching her parent and being "Aunt Geekgirl" has healed my inner child more than anything else and given me some confidence I won't be the kind of parent my parents were.

I'm 33 and have been with my husband three and a half years, married since June. He's 41 and if he's half as wonderful as a father as he is as a husband, our kids will feel safe, loved and understood all their lives. I've worked hard since even before I met him to get healthy enough to improve my chances of conceiving after four years of not getting pregnant - thank God - with my ex-husband. I have a cocktail of medical problems which boil down to the fact if I don't keep my weight down, eat healthy and exercise, I don't ovulate regularly if at all. When I was with my ex, I couldn't stand the idea of actively being on birth control anymore but I also knew if I stayed heavy and lethargic without medical intervention, it was nearly impossible for me to get pregnant and my ex really wasn't on board with it anyway. I worked in an OB/GYN office at the time I went off the pill, so I'm certain you understand how difficult it was to look at pregnant women everyday and hold their newborns believing it would never be my turn. I lived on the edge of hope and impossibility because I didn't see any other way. When my first marriage ended, I knew one of the things I wanted out of life was a family assuming someone wanted to have one with me and at 29 I knew I had to be physically ready as soon as possible in addition to that whole thing of being healthier to stay alive and enjoy a better quality of life.

After struggling to stay on track with my health for a couple years, I've spent the last year almost entirely on unrefined plant foods and broken my addiction to diet soda, bread and sweets. I simply don't eat those things very often at all. My blood sugar and thyroid numbers are normal. My doctor would like me to get my blood pressure down with meds a little more before getting pregnant, but I should be able to do that within the next few months.

I'm ashamed to say I've only talked around my fears about having children with my husband, but not communicated the full extent. I have truthfully told him I'm equally terrified at the prospect of having children and the fear of not having children. We agree on the "awesome responsibility" part in the old-fashioned meaning of awesome and the fact we know we wouldn't regret having kids but we would regret not having them. He's ready and I can't wrap my head around the idea of someone actually wanting to make a baby with me. In the last month or so, we've gone from condoms to withdrawal and finishing with oral except in that extremely safe window in the few days after my period. I'm extremely turned on both by the skin-on-skin sex and, lord, the couple times he's come inside me, it's incredible especially since I know he's not as familiar with nuances of the female reproductive system as I am. I know he wouldn't come inside me at all if he wasn't willing to get me pregnant. That level of commitment and trust blows my mind. I know, being married, one would think I'd already understand how deep he's into me and us, but realistically marriage isn't as big a deal as parenthood. A spouse can fend for themselves and gives back in return. A child can't. And he is the kind of man for whom it is a big deal to choose to be a father, not like some these days who'll risk unprotected sex without a second thought. I don't feel worthy. Despite no evidence to support it, I fear being a burden to him and by extension our children feeling like a burden. It sucks because I know those feelings come from my past, but I can't shake it just because I know the origins and how irrational the thoughts are in the face of what I've experienced with my husband.

I could go on for days about all the various shades of my fears, doubts and insecurities about having a baby, but it is safe to say, I've covered the lowlights of the issues. IntotheGray83, I hope you get to the root of whatever is holding your husband back. Please don't ignore your feelings or simply hope he'll change his mind. Whatever the outcome, it's got to come to a resolution as it is impacting your quality of life now and your future. If he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, I believe you should go by yourself to having someone to talk to about all of this.

[Arkay]

I don't have any advice, but I am also going through this, only I'm nearly 37. I didn't want children until I turned 35, and it just flipped on like a switch. It still is confusing and disorienting to have this feeling, but now that it has been over a year, I know it is not some silly phase I am going through. My husband is 41 and has every reasonable and logical argument against it, and I can't argue with him about something which is not logical for me. I also identify with what bigeekgirl said about being simultaneously terrified about doing it and not doing it.

I haven't been able to talk about this with too many people, because how do you tell people (especially your parents) that you would be psyched to have children but your partner has put his foot down and is unwilling to even try? For me, it is simply too late to divorce him and find someone else who wants to have babies with me. By that time, it will be too late. And the fact of the matter is that I simply wouldn't want to do it without my husband. I would be heartbroken to not be with him. Sometimes I feel so much rage that he is forcing me to choose being a parent or be married to him. Mostly I keep these feelings to myself because our conversations on this matter go absolutely nowhere. We went through a year of intense marriage counseling to keep from divorcing a few years ago, so we both have therapy fatigue still. I know my husband feels hesitant to take such a life-changing step after a prolonged period of trouble between us, but my time is running out. I sometimes feel like this is my punishment for being depressed and anxious, for pushing our marriage to the brink (the only way to force needed change), and for being ambivalent about motherhood for so long.

I have a hard time imagining being the type of woman who forces someone into parenthood unwillingly, or forces him into it under the threat of divorce, but the prospect of living a life without this experience fills me with the most unbelievable sadness and desperation. If I could wish this desire in me away, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Luckily for you (the OP), you still have a decent handful of years for your husband to come around. If he has stated that he does want kids "some day", well, you are in a better situation than those of us who married someone who has always professed his desire to not have kids. I feel optimistic for you that your husband will come around on his own. 30 is still young - a lot can change in a few years.

[weary]

For me, it is simply too late to divorce him and find someone else who wants to have babies with me. By that time, it will be too late. And the fact of the matter is that I simply wouldn't want to do it without my husband. I would be heartbroken to not be with him. Sometimes I feel so much rage that he is forcing me to choose being a parent or be married to him.

Ugh. This. And add have financial stability, own a home, have a clean house, have an equitable distribution of grown up responsibilities where you have "being a parent" in that last sentence.

The thing is, I know that it would be a horrible mistake to have kids now. We don't have our shit together. I feel like her nit having her shit together makes it impossible for me to get mine together. But I've been waiting for years, doing all of the things that I'm supposed to while she hasn't been doing the things she's supposed to, and the clock is running out for good.

[CosM129]

Hi,

Tell him the truth that if he wants to wait that because of your age your giving him some limitations. Either you start a family in the next two years (or the time you set) or
you spend the money to freeze your eggs. It is apparently because of biology that women lose fertility (please look it up I am not joking it is something that allows people to have a family) otherwise you might not be able to. He has the option to start a family anytime but you should probably express upon him that YOU Don't have the option to start a family anytime. This is important. I would research it now while your young still and have options.
Let me know what you think or if this helps