Seminal moments
Seminal moments
Hey. What does everyone think of having forum space to share our own seminal moments. Certain memories always pop into my head while listening to the podcasts, especially when Paul asks about the seminal moments, and I'd love to share them, but they don't seem to fit into any of the current surveys, don't fit into any current forum topics. They can be good or bad memories - just moments in time that we remember with clarity, were laden with emotion, taught us something, and helped shape who we are today.
When life gives you shit, make shitade.
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RationalMuse
- Posts: 31
- Joined: December 23rd, 2012, 5:53 pm
Re: Seminal moments
Great idea!
When we were young, every year we would get out the glitter, construction paper and glue to make Christmas cards for aunts, uncles and grandparents. My Mom has 5 brothers and a sister and my Dad two of each, so this was a weekend project every year. I don't remember how old I was, about 7-9'yrs and as I was filling out a card I asked my Mom if I had to address the card as "Love from" and whether I had to love someone just because they were family. I was already trying to define what is love, who and why do you decide to love someone. I liked this uncle, I had nothing against him, I just didn't feel anything close to what I felt for many of my other uncles, who I adored. My Mom's response was that if I didn't want to write "Love from" and just write "from" that would be fine. I am not sure if her exact words, but what I took away from that moment was that love was special, something that I could decide who I bestowed it upon. Just because I was expected to love someone or just because they were family didn't dictate whether I loved someone. Then I began deciding upon what criteria I would decide if I loved vs liked someone. It ended up being about how they treated me, whether I was special to them, whether what I felt mattered and whether I was respected. It didn't stop me from deciding I was,"in love" with boys that didn't reciprocate in a pointless drive to get them to love me, but that is another issue for another thread.
I mentioned to my Mom how I remember that day making cards and the impact her response had on me. I was taken back when she said how she barely remembered the incident and how little weight she gave the question at the time and how she had no idea such a core belief of mine was formed that day. Since I am now a parent of 2 daughters it kind of scared me to think that what may end up being a game changing moment for one of them may not be the moments I think will be remembered or I want to be so important. That it could be some casual comment or conversation one day, where I am unaware, sarcastic or even annoyed that could leave a lasting impression on their lives and personality. I had to really work not to over think it and analyze how I may have fucked up my kids already. More than ever before it made me appreciate the phrase "I am doing the best I can." I have also resigned myself to the fact that I am fucking my kids up, but hopefully acknowledging it, trying not to will go a long way when they hit their 20's and resent me for screwing up their lives. I always joke about saving for psychology/therapy as being more important than saving for college/university for them.
My sister (2.5 yrs younger) was at the table when I asked my life changing question. All our lives she and I had fought. She and I have VERY different ideas of what love looks like. I strive to earn respect so that I am worthy of respect which I decided was the cornerstone of love. She thinks love is assumed for family - regardless how badly you treat them or are treated by them. She has no problem saying she loves me but doesn't think anything of it when she treats me like garbage.
In order for me to love someone (other than my children), I need to like them, not 24/7 but on the whole there has to be meaning and depth, respect, even if we don't see eye to eye, visit or talk often or have radically different lives.
Maybe I would have ended up believing that same things about love and how and who I bestow it upon, but a moment over 34 yrs ago that lasted minutes was a seminal moment for me.
When we were young, every year we would get out the glitter, construction paper and glue to make Christmas cards for aunts, uncles and grandparents. My Mom has 5 brothers and a sister and my Dad two of each, so this was a weekend project every year. I don't remember how old I was, about 7-9'yrs and as I was filling out a card I asked my Mom if I had to address the card as "Love from" and whether I had to love someone just because they were family. I was already trying to define what is love, who and why do you decide to love someone. I liked this uncle, I had nothing against him, I just didn't feel anything close to what I felt for many of my other uncles, who I adored. My Mom's response was that if I didn't want to write "Love from" and just write "from" that would be fine. I am not sure if her exact words, but what I took away from that moment was that love was special, something that I could decide who I bestowed it upon. Just because I was expected to love someone or just because they were family didn't dictate whether I loved someone. Then I began deciding upon what criteria I would decide if I loved vs liked someone. It ended up being about how they treated me, whether I was special to them, whether what I felt mattered and whether I was respected. It didn't stop me from deciding I was,"in love" with boys that didn't reciprocate in a pointless drive to get them to love me, but that is another issue for another thread.
I mentioned to my Mom how I remember that day making cards and the impact her response had on me. I was taken back when she said how she barely remembered the incident and how little weight she gave the question at the time and how she had no idea such a core belief of mine was formed that day. Since I am now a parent of 2 daughters it kind of scared me to think that what may end up being a game changing moment for one of them may not be the moments I think will be remembered or I want to be so important. That it could be some casual comment or conversation one day, where I am unaware, sarcastic or even annoyed that could leave a lasting impression on their lives and personality. I had to really work not to over think it and analyze how I may have fucked up my kids already. More than ever before it made me appreciate the phrase "I am doing the best I can." I have also resigned myself to the fact that I am fucking my kids up, but hopefully acknowledging it, trying not to will go a long way when they hit their 20's and resent me for screwing up their lives. I always joke about saving for psychology/therapy as being more important than saving for college/university for them.
My sister (2.5 yrs younger) was at the table when I asked my life changing question. All our lives she and I had fought. She and I have VERY different ideas of what love looks like. I strive to earn respect so that I am worthy of respect which I decided was the cornerstone of love. She thinks love is assumed for family - regardless how badly you treat them or are treated by them. She has no problem saying she loves me but doesn't think anything of it when she treats me like garbage.
In order for me to love someone (other than my children), I need to like them, not 24/7 but on the whole there has to be meaning and depth, respect, even if we don't see eye to eye, visit or talk often or have radically different lives.
Maybe I would have ended up believing that same things about love and how and who I bestow it upon, but a moment over 34 yrs ago that lasted minutes was a seminal moment for me.
Re: Seminal moments
Love the idea, thanks Nevina! And thanks for sharing that memory RationalMuse 
Paul
Paul