Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

A quick stop in to say I’m back from the hill. Summit was amazing. Photos to come. We pushed through fear, got emotional, then some elation and crazy singing.

However, I then had a moment of absolute anger.
I need to explore where this came from. It was not a nice feeling and certainly stuck with me into the evening. This I will fill you in on shortly. Just packing for trip as we have been given a change of plans that’s somewhat terrifying. I feel like I’m about to join the SAS. Heading to an appointment to have a deep tissue massage on my legs.

Will update on my fit of range, emotional weep on the summit and panic attack!

Hold that thought!

[Mental Fairy]

On top of my world

[troebia]

Pushing through the cloud layer always feels amazing, I've done it very few times on foot. Sending you envious hugs!

[manuel_moe_g]

I love these pictures!

[Mental Fairy]

Our new bridge.

[Mental Fairy]

Contemplating going up to go back down!

[Mental Fairy]

Looking over towards Taupo, centre of the North Island. The three mountains in the distance shows how far we can see.

[Mental Fairy]

Me having a Power Nap!

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing the lovely photos.

Keep us posted regarding what you learn about your anger.

The answer may come to you in a dream or in a flash of insight.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Where was I? Oh yes, anger.

Saturday my husband and I went on a little outing to collect some things for the trip. Upon arriving at our third location to gather supplies my phone goes off. Donya is not in a good way, woken with some very difficult emotions and in a slump of feeling horrible thanks to medical induced menopause. Immediately I tell me husband we are cutting our shopping short and going to get her.

I have never had a friend in my life I would drop everything for. In fact I have never actually had a friend as such. No one was giving the opportunity to come close to me ever. Trust is something I didn’t have. With Donya it is different.

Upon arriving she was in bed hiding under the blankets, I managed to get her up and out of the house, the power of a caffeine fix. Caffeine is her weakness. We found a new cafe, sat and talked for hours, visited art galleries and drought some clothing. Again, something I would never do with anyone else. We laughed like school girls and headed home to carry on with what was left of our day.

That night I was feeling ok, got a quick carb load knowing I was climbing the next day.

We arrived at the south side of Mt Egmont with excited feelings knowing today we will feel grounded, tested, confident and motivated. The native bush, bird life and exposure has that effect on us.
Crossing the newly opened bridge with eyes firmly focused forward to avoid the vertigo of looking down, we made it to the ski field. Having been many times before I was keen to make our way north. I needed to remind myself this is her first time there so out came the camera, the admiring of the view and inner tourist explaining the flora and fauna of this side of the mountain.

Heading north we were greeted with vast views of the north, overlooking into the ocean below. I looked up and saw the glassy rocks sealed with thin ice. Immediately I wanted to climb. I always come prepared, knowing I could feel good I had options to carry on or retreat back to lower ground.

Standing below north ridge I pointed my pole upwards and asked Donya to focus on this one particular distant ridge, she nodded and asked why. I told her today was going to be the day to reach our limits, to test our legs, lungs and confidence. Immediately she began beating me with her poles!

We carried on around and started to make our way into the area we call The Hongies. Its a large rocky area that is beautiful in its own unique way. Large boulders cascade down between two ridge lines. We pick our path and head up. I begin to feel emotions in a way I didn’t expect. At one stage I had to prevent myself from weeping, sobbing and stopping altogether. Memories of all my climbing years, the dangers of this beautiful part of my world. The rescues, the people I have seen up there over the years putting their lives at risk being ill prepared. I was not one of those people. Never have been. I’ve always been prepared. However, today I was not prepared for the emotional waves.

We were just below the summit sitting and eating an apple. I sung a song by the carpenters and swayed in happiness. Above the clouds, surrounded with frozen scree and rocks, i was in my happy place, sharing my space with my closest friend who now also wishes to climb more. I had and have found a likeminded person I can share things with without judgement.

Coming back we laughed, we surrender to our tiredness forming in our legs and throat. Our voices trail off into the distance as we have laughed and talked to much. Our throats are raw from the cold so we found like we have been on the piss all night.

Upon arriving back at the ski field we can see the car park an hours walk below is full. There are people everywhere coming to look at the new bridge, then it starts. …anger.

I feel it in my hands, shoulders and legs. I power forwards to make it past people dressed poorly for the conditions and location. We stop and ask a couple how long they had been sitting in this exposed spot. They said 30min, as they were waiting to get in line to get back to carpark. I swallow some anger that is brewing in the back of my throat and wish them a good day and we push on across the ski field. Then in front of me to my right I see a lady with her younger daughter (8 maybe 9). The mother is dressed in bright bright bright white skate shoes with no grip, dressed like she is going clubbing. Her daughter was dressed the same. It was like I stepped out of my body, I said a bit to loud to Donya behind me how stupid people were and In particular this woman and her daughter. Who the f#*k dresses like that I said. This woman turned and looked at me with such a look I had to stop myself from doing anything stupid, she wanted to confront me. I mentally pushed myself back and talked myself into continuing down the tail to get to the bridge crossing before I went for her, There was so many people I could feel this incredibly horrible anger. I walked so fast back to the car to get away and out of there as soon as possible. I felt like I was going to scream. I felt physically ready to attack.

We eventually get to the car, myself way before Donya. She was shocked at how angry and distant I became when I saw all these people and this particular woman. That feeling stayed with me until yesterday. What was by far the most perfect day I have had in a long time became tainted with anger, rage and frustration. Why, I have no idea.

Yesterday I got my nails done before the trip tomorrow and a back massage. It was a massage I will absolutely do again. It helped relax my shoulders and take the edge of my anger. I have not felt anger like that in such a long time. I feel ashamed for feeling that way.

So that was my observation over the past few days. Today is a day in the office and an evening as my nervous system class. I have signed up to continue the class when up I get back.

Maybe it will help me understand things a bit better.

We got an email yesterday saying when Joe and I get to Queenstown airport on Friday our luggage will be taken separately onto our next destination. All we will have on us for this particular afternoon is limited items. No idea what adventures lay before us but I can already feel the uneasy feelings are not having control over this retreat. The two things I am looking forward to most is showing you all what the difference is between the north and south, plus how this will effect my marriage we are learning to navigate currently.

Better get ready for work.

Kiwi hugs