Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you for your kind words.

[Mental Fairy]

Rather interesting update to come…….will inform this weekend. Huge conversation to be had!

[manuel_moe_g]

We will be waiting, until then, take care, Mental Fairy!

[oak]

Oh excellent!

As is so often the case, I am agreement with our dear friend Manuel Moe.

You have put in the work, MentalFairy. I hope you are reaping the rewards.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi family

I am looking forward to taking the time to update you over my weekend as there has been a slight shift. The path is bumpy and very overwhelming at times but I’m further along the journey. You all have played an enormous role in this, I had on heart wish coffee and cake was possible with you all.

[oak]

Very good, Mental Fairy.

While I’ll look forward to your update, please take all the time you need. You’ve been through plenty of hell this week.

[Mental Fairy]

Well team mental! On this train crossing over many state lines in my brain!
This last two weeks and especially this week just been has been interesting to say the least. Last Wednesday I was to have a therapy session but I was being challenged from many aspects both at work and at home. I wanted to see how my approach to these situations would change since being here and with therapy. To be mentally naked with all really.
My therapist heard the podcast and my survey. He was blown away at my mental exposure as this is something very new to me. The days between sessions was difficult, enlightening and shaky.

As you are all aware the way my mother passed was traumatic and graphic. Not many people witness such cruel and barbaric endings. Unfortunately I have a 35 year old patient whom is about to pass in a similar fashion. She was in remission from cancer for just two years. Frozen some eggs also in hope to have children. Sadly presented in surgery and over the period of 9 days all the results flowed in from bloods, MRI and CT. My inner self felt so much sadness and frustration. I had to process this situation differently from my past self whom would of cried every single day for her. I’ve had to process my compassion with an honour that it is to get to know her and help her on this journey. Yes, I have had tears, somber moments and anger even. The difference is I have to allow myself to feel it. Fully embrace it and process it both professionally and mentally as there will be more patients over my career. I didn’t throw myself into work and bury myself. I didn’t hold it in and take it out on others. I came home last Friday and found it so hard to talk. I just sat with the feelings in my yoga room. I took on the emotion and allowed it. No excuses. No hide and seek with emotions.

This made me think…….. I came on this platform as I needed to know I wasn’t nuts! I wasn’t the only one.
Grief….my grief that I have carried around for so so long was all squashed together in a large emotional tumour. I had to learn where this steamed from. Grandad……. It was his passing that ultimately has tipped me over. I took each family member aside individually in photos and sat in my yoga room and steered at them. I felt differently for each….
Nana….gratefulness..beautiful warmth, love, not so much grief as she got to a beautiful age and died so peacefully after I left the room!
Dad…very little sadness (sorry dad if you can read this!!!!) anger, resentment, frustration, pity.
Mum….I had to forgive her. Grief and sympathy for her traumatic ending. Unfairness and frustration. Pity.PTSD
My twin…grief, understanding, sadness, void, heavy emotions.
Grandad…..deep deep soul cutting loss. Cried like a emotionally torn person. Ugly cried for ages. To die minutes after I gave birth, to be taken from me and stripped of my protector. Cruel unexpected loss. Anger at myself for not accepting his passing.
I laid on my yoga mat and closed my eyes, I tried to imagine his tattoos and laugh. His accent and smell of paint and putty from work. I don’t want to forget a single thing about him. Crying even typing this. The loss of him has absolutely torn this body and mind to bits.
Our stillborn baby….acceptance.

I also learnt why I’m so attached to my cat!!! As a child I had a dog. She used to protect me. When the sexual abuse started as a child she would fend of the person. Growl and attack, sleep on my bed. Then on the day she was put down I had no protection. I was defenceless. I was unfortunately abused in a way I couldn’t defend. My cat and the one before her was like a therapy animal for me. No judgement.

Everyday is a battle but I’m having to learn to forgive, accept and see what is true. This past two weeks I’ve got back into ice baths and self care. I unfortunately still can’t stand being out in public. I dislike how I am ageing but grateful I get too. I adore looking up at the morning winter skies here knowing you all can look up and see them also as we spin in circles!
Big vertical hugs to you all. You all are worthy. Don’t accept anything less. Cause that is true.

[Mental Fairy]

P.S - really struggling with the nightmares still and needing some tips if anyone has any.

[oak]

https://media.giphy.com/media/d6bRMswt9miuQ/giphy.gif

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

You are going through a lot, indeed. That you are hanging in there, like our cat friend above, is a testament to the human condition.

I am sorry your patient is facing death, especially in their mid-30s. There's no good time to die, but mid-30s is especially sad because life is really just getting going.

I do tip my hat for your growth and evolution with how you are handling this. Please do keep us posted.

Also, as you wrote, you are not nuts. Troubled and burdened, yes (like all of us!). But not nuts. And now you're not alone: us, your family, your counselor. You have a whole team!

While your post deserves more attention, for now I hope this last thought can suffice:

In a blink-and-you'll-miss-it sentence, you casually mention your yoga room.

Is this the heretofore cluttered and dusty library?

If so, yay!

If not, good luck with the continued cleaning and I give you a big "yay!" for doing yoga.

(One final word to the wise: yoga releases all sorts of trauma through my back and shoulders: be aware that yoga may release some agony. But that's no reason to stop, as no fun as the experience is.)

Edit to add:

P.S - really struggling with the nightmares still and needing some tips if anyone has any.

If you are motivated (eg desperate) enough, here is something to try that has worked for me:

When woken up by a terrible nightmare, after say two hours of sleep, I'll go to the bathroom, splash water on my face, look in the mirror and say to myself:

"Subconscious me, I know these bad dreams are an important part of self-care for the psyche. Taking out the previous day's trash. That said, I need six hours of good sleep starting as soon as I go back to sleep. Please give me only happy dreams or no dreams. Thank you, subconscious me."

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you Oak, yes this yoga room was my library now yoga space. It’s been completely overhauled and used an old cabinet that belonged to my grandfather with beautiful glass doors as my library space for my beloved books. Yesterday my son helped me put up my yoga mat holder. I have made a rule about this room. No object in that room is new. Everything is reclaimed and pre loved as I’m aware and conscious of the worlds recycling issue and I feel everything should be given a second chance.

Have woken from another night is horrible dreams and walking in sleep. More work to do on this subconscious mind.