My PTSD Experience (TW: Sexual Abuse)

[Alicia Sam]

Hello. I would just like to share the experience that initially gave me PTSD, as well as surrounding events that definitely didn't help it.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I went with a DECA group to California to compete for finals. We stayed at the Disneyland Hotel. On one of the last few days of the trip, when I was done competing, I spent my time in the lobby of the hotel reading. My teammates introduced me to a boy they met from another school who, according to them, thought I was cute and wanted to talk to me. At the time I wasn't completely shy or introverted, so I took up the offer and went on a walk with him outside of the hotel to chat and get to know each other. And it was going well. I thought he was nice, and fairly attractive. However, we got to an area next to this mini waterfall. He kissed me, which I was fine with. But then he kept letting his hands wander, asking me repeatedly if I wanted to have fun. I kept saying no, but eventually he got rough and groped me, sliding his hand down my pants. He grabbed my hand and forced me to rub him over his clothes. I kept trying to push away, and trying to yell, but he clasped his hand over my throat and I had trouble breathing. He kept having fun with me, feeling me up and kissing me. Let's also keep in mind that a lot of people were walking by, and this was in the middle of the day. Eventually his phone rang, and he had to leave. He told me not to tell anyone, "or else." I was afraid to find out what that meant. This happened over 7 years ago, and I still have nightmares nearly every night of being raped, or attacked in some violent way. It even got to the point where I would be stuck in states of sleep paralysis, hallucinating and feeling nonexistent hands on me. I had other incidents, where friends would rape me, or take advantage of me. I was in an abusive relationship where I lost my virginity nonwillingly. I've had to deal with a lot of inappropriate language from family and friends, from my dad calling me hot to friends making rape jokes. My brother in law who tried to touch me later posted a rape joke on Facebook and mentioned how my parents never wanted me when I commented calling it inappropriate. I can't wear shirts where the collar is close to my neck or I freak out. Masturbating usually leads to me feeling depressed. Sex is boring during the act. I only enjoy the foreplay, not the penetration. I often feel depressed after sex as well. Which is difficult because I find myself to have a high sex drive. And because of all of this, I don't feel normal, and I don't think I ever will be.

[oak]

(Sorry for everything I write to sound like a trope. It is all sincere.)

I am sorry you experienced that, and continue to suffer.

I hope you find some healing, and that things get better.

On a little lighter note, I also find foreplay sexier

hth, inadequate as my words are

[sansi]

I get angry when my husband touches me vaginally with his hand but not during sex? I think bc the neighbor touched me with his hand as a small child. I don't have concrete memories, just feelings and symptoms. I don't know if I'll ever enjoy sex again. I have no sex drive at all, I ONLY do it so I can have a marriage.
Sorry you have experienced evil from all sides. My neighbor was my abuser and I was used by men. I didn't have to deal with friends and family abusing me.