Has someone shared your trauma story with someone else?

[stormy]

Yesterday I found out that my (sort of) ex-boyfriend confided one of my biggest/most difficult secrets with one of his best friends in order to try and get some advice on how to help our relationship. I feel so horribly triggered, violated, disappointed, and confused. I recently called a crisis hotline and we spoke about how it is difficult for me to separate human mistakes and malicious intent. I know for a fact he thought in the moment that this would be ok because he wants for us to work things out, and now that I pointed out how terrible it was to actually give her details on something I am barely able to face myself, he was extremely apologetic, sobbing and crying. Even offering to come to my place (I live alone) because he has never heard my cry the way I was crying with him on the phone.

He said that he can now see that he should have just said "She's going through a really hard time right now", without details that would violate my privacy. I am incredibly hurt. I was already suicidal, I believe I bruised my throat before realizing that I did not want to have my last living moments hanging there... IF it is going to happen, like most, I'd like to go painlessly, peacefully, since most of my life has been the opposite of that. I'd like to at least give myself what the world has not.

I care about (we'll call him Archie) very much. Our relationship was not abusive in anyway, we are just young (24 & 25 - me) and were dating while I was (19-23). We were young, he was extremely immature, especially when put up against my extremely early on set adult like maturity (due to HAVING to grow up). We both made mistakes, we have both had really tough growing pains, but never caused intentional harm, cheated or abused one another. So, it is difficult.

Have you ever had someone you trusted divulge any part of your personal life/traumatic experience to someone else without your permission?
Is it worth forgiving this in your opinion?

[manuel_moe_g]

I vote for "forgive". Intent is good, and you are both young. Please take care, you don't deserve this suffering, please be self-loving in this your time of need.

[stormy]

Thank you for replying manuel_moe_g. You also replied to my introductory post and and I really do appreciate your attention and encouragement.

All the best to you as well.

[lawlessness45]

I had a friend I shared my story with share it with his girlfriend. It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would; it largely felt like a relief to have someone else know about it, and to not have to repeat the story all over again. But this was when I was ready to start sharing it. It took me nearly 28 years to tell my parents about it, and once I did that, well, telling other people (or having those people tell people) seems not a terrible. Of course there are people I absolutely would NOT want to share this information with. I still haven't worked up the courage to tell my brother and his fiance. And if someone were to tell them...lets just say I would react very poorly. But the truth of the matter is that your story is yours to share. Having someone else spread it around willy nilly takes away your power and can make you feel like you are experiencing the trauma all over again (because the trauma took away your power.) At least that's my experience. I just want to offer you encouragement, and let you know you are not alone. Having someone share your experience can be excruciating and invalidating. I hope you are doing better. Please take care.

[stormy]

Thank you for your response lawlessness45,

Yes I have now calmed down a lot but when it happened it was as if the trauma was happening all over again. I have mostly forgiven him but only after feeling that he understands how and why it hurt me so much. We have a bunch of other problems to work through but I think I am coming to see that the people that we are able to work through issues like this (in a health way) are the people that are probably worth keeping around.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

After my sexual trauma, my mother told her entire family and they awkwardly came on a surprise visit, I just wanted to die. But then she told some people at work, because she couldn't deal with what it was doing to her and wouldn't go to counseling. Btw we worked together so these were my coworkers as well, not exactly strangers.

Pretty much made an awful experience 10 times more awful. I already felt ashamed and powerless. Was it my choice to even tell HER? No. The dickhead police officer made me call her, then revealed to her over the phone that it had happened to me before to get her off his back about being a complete asswad. Which I'm sure is protocol. But I'm not bitter at all. :p

Despite all that, I understand why she did it. It wasn't to help me, but she wasn't able to handle it because she has emotional problems and I have never been her priority. I don't trust her at all but nothing new there.

[AndyLand]

I'm sorry this hurt and triggered you so badly my friend! I'm almost twice your age and I know AT your age I might have felt the same way but I also wish I'd had a wonderful boyfriend like that who cared enough to even understand or talk about it. I hope you can both take some deep breaths and calmly talk through things more while remembering that you are young and sometimes a nice walk and make out session can really improve your outlook. My experiences sharing things with my exs from the 20s decade of my life did not go well. I was reclaiming buried memories, having flashbacks and totally confused as to what was real and what wasn't and also having lots of trouble with intimacy among other things.

Most of all I hope you know you are not alone and you will come through this a stronger and happier person. My life is very stable, happy, I've been married to a wonderful man for 17 years and we have 2 happy, healthy and well-adjusted kids. My point in sharing that is just to give you some perspective on time and to show you that the work you are doing on yourself can and will yield a happier. less fight or flight afflicted future. I still get triggered occasionally from events beyond my control but it's mostly the physical affects of the cortisol/adrenaline release that I deal with for 3-7 days after and my family knows and understands what is wrong when it happens and they give me the time and space to recover from it.

Big hugs to you. I have to remind myself every time "you have adrenaline and cortisol rushing through you, there are no tigers you are running from, and whatever you are feeling is probably magnified beyond what it really is." That helps me to stop and breathe before reacting. It has saved my husband from many stupid arguments I'm sure over minor things and kept me from blowing up at my kids because they are just BREATHING SO LOUDLY lol.

On the plus side, being hyper=vigilant as we are, nobody will ever take us by surprise!