Married to a person with Bipolar...can a separation help us?

[mnicolette]

My husband of 6 years, been together 10 has recently been diagnosed with bipolar. Although the doctors advised him to stop smoking the large amounts of marijuana they did prescribe Topamax and say he has 'bipolar-ish" symptoms. We have been struggling with his moods for as long as I can remember. He also suffers from a lot of childhood trauma and ADHD. I believe his mother and sister are also bipolar, they are latino so the stigma there in actually seeking help and a clear diagnosis was always an issue.

I addition to the mental struggles he has congestive heart failure which was diagnosed 2 years ago likely caused from substance abuse in his late teens/early twenties, which was his coping mechanism. It's all a big giant cycle of pain and sadness. It's been so difficult to standby and watch him suffer. I have neared the end of my rope. It doesn't matter how much support I lend him, I can't help his mental suffering. The highs are high and things are great but inevitably the low lows come and everything spirals back into the pain and suffering. My needs of love, support, respect and consideration are not being met and haven't been for a long time. I am the caretake adn I just couldn't do it anymore. He's nice and slightly apologetic after his rages but then always back to the same lying and anger and sadness. Our life has become miserable.

This weekend I kicked him out. I am ripped up inside with guilt. How could I do this to him, How could I not love him for better or worse. But I am empty inside I want him to step up and fix this, i am angry, I want him to start to manage it himself and to realize the pain it causes me to see him suffer. I am still holding onto hope that my actions of asking him to leave will spark something to make him want to get help and that he will want us to work enough to make change.

has anyone ever had to walk away to help fix it. I am torn up inside wondering how he's going to do, where he will end up, if he will come back. He left Sunday and supposedly was going to stay with a cousin in another state, then he texted and said that he feels that would be too much stress, which i agree, he family is and always has been part of the problem. So now he's gonna stay somewhere else, rent a room and has possibly found some part time work. Don't know if this is true or just another story and maybe he's only about an hour away somewhere at a friends?? it's gotten to the point where I can't believe half of what comes out of his mouth.

How do you let go of someone who is your whole life, who you committed to for better or worse and sickness and health. The thought of him feeling alone and abandoned without our home to come back to rips my insides out. But I am miserable with his behavior.

Mental illness sucks and I hate it.

[fifthsonata]

As much as I hate to say it, sometimes people hitting rock bottom is the only thing that will get them to help themselves. You can't do all the work for him. Unfortunately, sometimes people won't change even when they hit the bottom....but you never know until the last option gets exhausted.

Even though he's sick, you also have to think about yourself and I believe you did the right thing. It will continue to rip your heart out and having that knowledge in your head of him being alone, no home, will be so emotionally painful it manifests physically into this ache within your chest.

A separation might be what he needs as his "defining moment." I'd suggest you meet with him, both alone and with a counselor, to discuss the terms of this separation and give him an ultimatum - this separation can end if he starts working on himself. He doesn't need to be cured, but he needs to at least try....and it doesn't seem he's doing that.

The love will always be there, but there are times when self-preservation has to come first. Love doesn't guarantee the situation is good or hopeful - it's a subjective emotion. Even though you feel this love it may not be what's best for you.


You won't know until you exhaust everything you have...and go further.

[lttlmc3]

Wow, I totally understand everything you are going through. I don't have any answers for you, I'm sorry. I'm at the same point myself. I haven't kicked my husband out yet, but I'm seriously at that point. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.