Just so sad and frustrated....

[lttlmc3]

Never posted here before, but decided today is the day.
I've been married for almost eight years, and I only think two of them have been truly happy. My husband is Bipolar and doesn't take meds. He is an alcoholic and a gambling addict, although gambling has been controlled. He has gotten in to some minor legal trouble off and on due to the drinking.
However, two weeks ago, he was at his brother's house drinking and burned his foot. His uncle is on pain meds due to cancer and offered my husband one. He took it, and had an extreme adverse reaction to it. He became violent, incoherent, hallucinated, and finally when the cops were called, violent towards the police. he was eventually charged with threatening officers, assault on an officer (apparently, he tried to bite one, but didn't), resisting arrest, and disorderly conduct.
He says he doesn't remember any of this. All he remembers was being in some alternate world situation where the men in the uniforms were trying to kidnap him and he had to fight to get away. He didn't recognize anyone, and only remembers things in random segments.
Clearly, the medicine effected his mind, and now we are terrified he will have to do some kind of long term jail time (the assault charge is a felony) due to it.
All of this really scared him and he has decided to go back to therapy and on his meds, and to stop drinking.
Well, at least he said he would stop drinking. I told him he had to stop or I would leave. I should probably have left already.
He didn't drink for a week, and then started again last night. I'm so discouraged because I really thought with all of this going on, he would really stop. Especially since his whole family and my whole family knows. I told him I would leave if he drank, and I'm so scared to. I don't know what to do.

[oak]

Hello.
Welcome.
Thanks for sharing.

While I was reading your post, I kept thinking "Please don't let it be a felony...".

Here is some good news:
Alot of people get sober nowadays, and I've seen it happen to me and most of my friends in one of three ways:

1. A 12 step program
2. A religious experience
3. Spontaneous sobriety (which I wouldn't believe in if it hadn't happened to me June 16, 2008)

The reality is that he will have to face his felony charges, and any consequences of that. Like you said, he may face a long jail term... or to be honest, maybe even prison since it is a felony. I hope not.

As far as you, while I am not an AA man, I kindly urge you to call the local Alanon Intergroup. Tell them what you told us.

Alanon is genius.

In alot of ways your situation sounds really painful.

If my 1873 days of sobriety will count for anything to any positive force in the universe, I send good wishes. I hope he gets sober and you find healing.

Whatever you do, do what you did here: keep using your words until someone listens and helps.

Good luck.

[lttlmc3]

The update is that he went to court and just got anger management class and probation. They dropped the assault on an officer and terroristic threats. He starts his anger management class this week I think.
But after all of this, he has learned nothing. He told me he would stop drinking but he hasn't at all. He hasn't even slowed down. He hasn't seen his therapist yet because the appointment isn't until the middle of the month.
He can just...just be so mean. I don't know how else to say it. Cruel. Awful. And then turn around the next day and be wonderful. I full so bad because I'm in love with one of him but I hate the other guy and I never know what's going to come through the door. I just makes me wish I was dead so much.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello lttlmc3!

I feel stupid just posting links when you are suffering, but maybe the resources below can help you. Please take care, the suffering and pain you feel is from circumstances you never deserved.

Al-Anon Family Groups -- Strength and hope for friends and families of problem drinkers -- Friends and families of problem drinkers find understanding and support at Al-Anon meetings

al-anon.alateen.org

___.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.___

Sexual/Physical Abuse Resources

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network - RAINN.org

Abusive Relationships thread on this board - a description of a violent relationship and some solutions/resources

Emergency Resources for Abused Women - newhouseshelter.org

From helpguide.org - curated advice for battered women

Cheers to you, for scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this copypasta!

[Cinnamon]

Hi;
My heart aches for you and your husband.
You are facing multiple crisis at once, including determining what your relationship with your husband will be long term after this, and on what terms. That alone is a lot. Meanwhile, he is facing legal, physical and emotional issues and public humiliation.

I am not an expert on alchohal - my dad was such a heavy drinker I avoid men who drink too much like the plague. Oak's advice seems wise but I have to add my two cents:
the drinking is a symptom, not just a problem.
and until he can face the real issues, even if he stops drinking/self medicating, he will "need" emotionally to find another refuge from facing the real issues - a diagnosis of bi-polar that remains untreated either chemically or via therapy. And in my humble humble opinion, neither option works well on its own.

the drinking drives the drama in his life but it is finally just distraction from the internal drama.

I hope the anger management and therapy work but if he has not yet begun either, it is too soon to say they won't, so give him some space - it may be at this point if he is saying I will quit, the will is there but he has no clue how to stop. pushing the glass away is not as easy as it sounds. or it may be that he just wants out of the situation and not the causation. I bet he is working that thru himself even now.

As for you:
2 years out of 8 have been happy? is there a further question here?
Oh, yeah, you love the "good him" and hate the "bad him" except he is BOTH of those things, at once, as we all are dualistic.
Which predominates might differ without drinking and on meds. But you have to decide, not if you love him or not. It seems you do. But you have to decide: how do I want my life to look? what do i deserve/need from a partner and can I get that from him now? have I ever? AND, what does he need/deserve from a partner on this journey and can I give that to him or am I too worn-out/exhausted/hurt/living in the past (the 2 years) and the future (what I HOPE happens and he becomes) to be with him as he is?
Big tough decisions.

I will say this, you have a right to draw your line in the sand and say - I can't handle the drinking and drama anymore. Totally within your rights.
But the will to change has to come from within from him....not from an ultimatum alone. You can show him the costs, but you can't make him do anything.


and just a word of advice to anyone else:
don't give your meds to anyone else - is the uncle a doctor? no....he had no business doing that, has no idea what might be interactions and
don't take someone else's meds either - stupid results follow.