They call us....

[Spazzatomical_Vector]

Nothing matters though, because no matter how hard I continue to try to make things happen in a positive way;
it goes the opposite,
or worse than I could have ever imagined.

All I have is in a close proximate to me, but yet, I continue to shove and kick and scream and fight the feelings
of acceptance and tolerance, it
doesn't matter. I still ignore it. I stay distant and closed off.
Trapped in my steel cage, buried in the fear of the possibilities of pain. I don't know what anyone
expects from me anymore, or if they even think/believe in me like so many used to. So many hearts depended
on me, so many fears confided in me.
And now what? I'm a hard shell of a cold souled empty hearted bitch. I feel the love from D and his kids.
I know that he wants me,
but I still cannot bring myself to open to him like he has for me. It's been almost 7 months....and he still
knows the least about me than anyone I have ever been with.
I feel bad, but I can't do it. I want him in my life to the point of giving up everything, but it just doesn't
seem to make a difference...I don't know what else to do.
I don't...I can't watch him walk away. I can't live with another hole in my life, and I believe his would be the
biggest yet.

Goddess give me the strength to fight the urge to run, the urge to abandon everything I've discovered,
to forsaken this love for the emptiness it would bring.
I'm sick of being angry. I'm sick of being restless. I'm sick of wanting to do SOMETHING and not knowing what it is. I'm sick of waking up in this house. I'm sick of being here. I'm sick and fucking tired of trying (and mostly failing) to keep my mouth shut when I feel like I am trapped in a corner. I'm so fucking sick of all of this shit, and sick of being tempted to leave...
And yet, here I sit, more distant and even colder than before. Days later.
Maybe weeks, I can never keep a grip on what day it is, which time span is which, where I am in this life...
Everything hurts; I inhale to hold back my sobs and choke on the lump of emotion in the very grips of my throat.
I'm running low, the energy it takes on the daily to keep in the same spot
to stay in this life.
To stay where I am.
To stay who I am.
To stay with who I am with....
Years ago their God turn a deaf ear to me....now I feel as though my Goddess has turned her warm
breast from me and showing her ice shoulders...

[SadDaddy]

Self-acceptance is the key to letting someone else in. You will get there. But maybe you need some time away from D so you can sort yourself out? It will be hard for him, but if you explain that it is the best thing for you—and in the long run the best for him and his kids—then he should be able to wait. Because he loves you and he wants you to be the best YOU that you can be.