Looking for Reassurance

[julesnorc]

Hi. I'm 21. So yesterday I probably hit the lowest point I've ever hit in terms of my depression. I texted my boyfriend and begged him to tell me that one day I'll feel better, and he told me about the podcast. I figured this would be a good place to vent about my problems, so I don't keep spilling my guts to him and all of my friends constantly and scaring them.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder with primarily social anxiety in 2013. I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember, but as I grew up it just got worse and worse, until I got to my freshman year of college and it all came to a head. I became so paralyzed by anxiety that I started skipping class, skipping meals, leaving every weekend. When the summer came around, I finally got diagnosed and was put on medicine for it (currently on Lexapro 30mg), which helped tremendously. From there it was okay, until June of 2015. I realized that my boyfriend of over 5 years was mentally and emotionally abusive, and ended our relationship. From there, I started remembering the things he would do to me and how he would treat me, and I spiraled into a depression, which has only deepened over time. A couple of weeks ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and still haven't gone to a psychiatrist for it to get prescribed a mood stabilizer. Mental illness runs in my family, so my parents are very supportive, and so are my friends.

But the past month or so, my living situation has become hostile. My roommate, who I've known for almost 8 years, who used to be my best friend, stopped talking to me and started treating me so badly that I would have panic attacks and feel severely suicidal whenever I was at my apartment. Yesterday, I finally confronted her. She knows that I've been struggling and that I've had suicidal thoughts. Essentially she said I did nothing to her, but said that she had been raped two months ago, and then screamed at me for having men over to our apartment. I told her there was no way for me to know that had happened. And the conversation concluded within three minutes, with her ending by saying she doesn't care about me anymore.

My friend came and got me, and I stayed at her place last night. I decided to move out of my apartment for a month, until she moves out. But last night I had never felt so low. I had thought about suicide, but I had never really, truly WANTED to do it until then. Had I not been with my friend, I don't know if I would still be here. I so badly wanted to slit my wrists. I wanted to die. I didn't want to feel the pain that I was feeling anymore. I sobbed for 5 hours straight.

It helps so much when people tell me that there is going to be a day when I feel okay. Because right now, I can't even imagine it. I have so much trouble looking to the future and imagining how my life will be because I so badly don't want to be alive. I know I can't be alone for a little while now. I just need reassurance that one day I will love myself, and that I will recover from the abuse that I dealt with for so long. That I will be happy.

[chasingDragonflies]

It's amazing to me how much I can relate to this post. We are the same age, and have been through a lot of the same things. Self-love has proven to be a long, difficult journey for me, but I'm slowly learning to see the value in myself, and you will too. It's going to be tough, but you will get there. The first step to loving yourself is accepting yourself for all that you are, the good and the bad. Acceptance doesn't come overnight, unfortunately, but with time.

[Cami]

It's good to hear you chose NOT to end your life! Do not let your roomie's trauma become yours too. You already have a lot on your plate! Best advice is probably to move, at least temporarily.

Hang in there, hopefully getting the mood stabilizers will make a difference for you, and you'll feel less anxious and depressed.

Make use of the fact that you have supportive friends and family in your life. You can always repay them in kind later.

I wish I had words of wisdom to give, but all I can say is that I'm really happy I didn't kill myself my low point, because things have gotten better!

Love, Cami