Just took have a bottle of zzzQuil, a unisom, some other

[Delirium]

3 YEAR UPDATE: things still suck!

I'm on medication again via a new psych. My newborn twins have turned into threenagers. I almost had to be hospitalized in December and again at the first of the year.

I left my job last September and took another job with more pay thinking "this is the change I need!"
I had a tough time getting acclimated and then a month into it my grandfather passed away.
Already upset at the job situation, I was devastated at the loss of my grandfather. I was pretty close to him.
It was time and I'm glad he's no longer suffering, but I still miss him very much.

After feeling miserable everyday for 4 or 5 months at my new job, I asked my old boss for my job back. No dice. That ship has sailed friends.
So that was humiliating.
I started interviewing, got a lot of attention and several great offers.
I took one and left the job I had started.

Same shit, different day. I started in early March and with 6 mos. around the corner I find the job insufferable.
I dread going in everyday. And at least once a week I'm stifling crying spells at my desk.
This while also handling the bipolar. Which frankly, feels like a second job. Appts on top of appts. Individual psychotherapy w/ psychologist, psychiatrist for med management, weekly group therapy, and now my wife and I are seeing a counselor.

I have had intrusive suicidal thoughts for probably around 10 years. They just appeared one day.
Now they surface when I "spiral down" after an internal or external negative event - all roads lead to me wanting to end my life.
I'm not sure I necessarily have a plan but I've given it a lot of thought about how I would do it and where I would go. I've thought about who would find me and how long after I passed.

Now, I feel like that isn't even an option for me with the kids...the last thing I wanna do is pass this on to them and fuck them up.
I don't want to take my own life, but I long for a bus hitting me, a plane crash or a car wreck.
I'm disenchanted with a lot of aspects of my life.

I feel broken defeated and like the life has just been sucked right out of me. And I'm mad about it.
I just don't want to be here anymore.

[manuel_moe_g]

You didn't do anything to deserve this burden - you deserve better, and we all can see that.

You are a good person.

You are not alone in your feelings, and as long as you can post here you are never alone.

Please take care.

[rivergirl]

Delirium,
I'm very sorry you lost your grandfather and that you're dealing with so many overwhelming circumstances at once. You sound like a caring father who is just worn down and exhausted by having to deal with long term mental health issues on top of everything else. I hope you can give yourself some credit for how much you've continued trying to get better. You're not alone in any of your feelings. Please keep posting here if it helps even a little bit.

rivergirl

[Delirium]

I fucking hate it here.

But every time my phone autocorrects “fucking” to “ducking” I hate it a bit less.

Another night of pills, booze and a dreamless sleep to help me numb all of this.

I miss dreaming.
I miss my dreams.

[Delirium]

Also, this medication don’t work for shit!