Medical Shyness and Co-morbid Physical Ailments

[Beany Boo]

Through therapy I realised I had medical shyness. My fathers alcoholism pulled all the focus and drama into his corner of the family. It meant that as an adult I became literally voiceless on any serious health issue of my own. I knew there were things to say but I could not make the words go together to bring the attention I needed to get assistance. Except with mental illness, I think because he praised me for having it, like it was the family legacy; his gift to me.

Anyway, thanks to a doctor who I learned to trust and my therapist I worked through a number of health issues that were causing long term pain; a pain that sat underneath my anxiety and depression and made it "sing" in agony. In the space of about 8 months I had:

• - an endoscopy/gastroscopy which discovered a stomach ulcer - treated
  - 2 wisdom teeth removed under general anaesthetic which were constantly getting infected and reaching into my ear and sinus
  - a bupoma (a benign cyst) the size of a golf ball under the edge of my left shoulder blade which would ache almost constantly, especially at night - surgically removed
  - a hernia correction

I also had some dental work corrected that had been embarrassing me since I was a teenager and a dead tooth replaced with a crown. And I had some eye tests done for glaucoma and macular degeneration which were negative.

My doctor was concerned by my capacity to tolerate pain. Dissociation 'protected' me for so many years but then it kept me from help to which everyone is entitled. Thankfully I am much more sensitive to pain and much more responsive to reducing it and getting it diagnosed.

I wouldn't have been able to do it all without my therapist to listen. I now have a voice around my medical health which is an intense relief. Also, without the combination of painful ailments I have had a few subsequent breakthroughs and reprieves in my mental health.

[Beany Boo]

I had another cyst removed, another 'golf ball', this time from my ribs. The spot feels super-tender through the dressing. There's a soft crater there. I think this might be the one. My anxiety has gone down markedly since it was removed. I think it might have been impinging on a nerve or vessel, restricting function. Years of constant unpleasant disorientation in my face and ear and aching discomfort in my back, are fading. Sleeping on a secret lump; whose mystery pain reaction took half a day, every day, to recover from. The irony is, I never would have attended to it if I hadn't gone to therapy. I think the physical and mental symptoms were coincidental. Here's to making scary rational decisions. I hope I'm okay without the presence of relentless anxiety controlling my choices. What will become of my tiny life? What will people be like minus the haze? I feel blind. So much for happy endings. Patience, I guess.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Beany Boo. You are a great poster to this board. All the best!

[brownblob]

keep taking care of yourself beany. I hope getting the golfball removed makes your life less painful.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks you guys. I feel heard.

[oak]

This is a magnificent thread. I deeply admire your efforts, and lovely writing.

(Since imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, I've pm'ed you, since I am planning a similar effort, and would like your advice.)

Well done!

[rivergirl]

I'm sorry you were living with so many untreated medical issues for so long, Beany. I'm glad the recent procedure has led to a decrease in your anxiety, although even a positive change like this can be disorienting. I wish you all the best in your recovery and adjusting to your new reality.

rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

Thank you rivergirl, oak. Your words validate me.

I still suffer from dry drunkenness and fearful avoidance attachment style so, there's that.

I do feel a glint of pride at having learnt to trust medical professionals; sufficiently. I still loathe the sound of my voice in their ears.

What is the victory here for me? I feel like a small child who has learnt how to take itself to get vaccinated. I cry as the needle goes in and, but finally I know, amidst the pain, I am a brave boy. Brave for taking on the care for this adult; with all his shocking unexpected-ness.

[oak]

Any updates, Beany Boo, that you are comfortable sharing about?

[Beany Boo]

Definitely a general improvement. The specifics are odd.

Without the chronic discomfort, my thoughts seem to be joining up. I can't explain it better than that. My patience for other people's voices seems to be extended. I'm more curious about them even though to be so, feels awkward. My memories seem to feel... nicer? More readily available.

I've had some episodes of abject horror but I don't seem to be dissociating. I'll usually cry or feel stressed but even though it might cycle, it always passes.

I had one moment where I felt like I was going to die in a certain current situation. I just thought, "fine, but I've got to keep going anyway." The feeling passed. That's never happened before.

I have this weird need to actually work; to have things make sense; rather than always behave compulsively.

I'm cautiously optimistic though.