Body Dismorphia

[ghughes1980]

For my entire life my body has always been either a source of pain (be it physical or mental) and it has always appeared to me to be malformed and grotesque.
Even if I get positive praise from family/friends/or doctors I can't actually see these traits and it all ways looks to me to be asymmetrical and revolting. I just had a mini round of doctor's visits today and it just blows my mind that 4 professionals heaped a bunch of praise on me for "doing well" and all I hear and see is just gross. What really set me off today was a diagram in one of the examining rooms: I looked at this thing and realized if I just inverted the "normal" side and the diagram of all these nerve endings the 50/50 split is my life. That sickens me all the way to the core, and really ruins any positive gains from the day. I'm just so damn mad that one little piece of paper on a wall can just trash what was supposed to be a good day. I'm sick of this feeling of everything being broken inside and that feeling breaking my mind. I'd like a moment or two in the day please that's not a constant reminder of this nasty feeling that things are "not" right and slimy from the inside out. 60 seconds of being awake and not have my skin just crawl. I hate this so much.

[Kittieface]

Though I'm not sure if I completely share the second half of your post, I know that the first part resonates perfectly within me.

It's a horrible feeling. I refuse to check the mirror before I go to work in the mornings. Whenever I'm feeling good and I happen to catch a glimpse of myself, or see my reflection, my mood is immediately shattered. The first thought that comes to mind is, "EUUUHHHh". I am often told otherwise, but I find myself gross. And it feels so amazing to say that and not be lashed out on.

It's terrifying to say how I feel and have someone attack me and tell me I'm wrong. What I'm looking for is ideas.

How can we stop this? How can we heal this? How can we get to a point where we look at ourselves with a sense of joy and satisfaction. I don't know if I can do this alone. And this is the first place I have ever fully expressed this part of me.

Though it's awful to know you feel disgusting to yourself, I feel happy to not be alone.

I think we should work together to find a way out<3

[ghughes1980]

Is 60 seconds of not feeling miserable unreasonable? I mean I'm exhausting my physical options. Good thing those are covered healthcare I'm on (because seriously even in Canada some stuff isn't covered don't believe the type folks. If I wasn't on provincial assistance Botox injections alone would put me out on the street. Not to mention the ankle braces and finger splints.) Which I am grateful for don't get me wrong. Thank for those from the bottom of my heart. But they obviously won't do what I need. Which is to change the way my brain processes these feelings I have about "being me". The anti-depressants "help me feel" but man I feel like shit 18 hours damn day. no amount of SSRI's are going to make me feel better about half my body being a useless tree stump. What I need is talk therapy to work through this body image stuff NOW. My GP is trying to help but I fear it maybe to little too late. I'm afraid the route he is taking is going to mean more drugs and I don't know if that's what I really need/want. If I could I'd fork over the $175 a session and Skype with my last therapist but the bank is razor thin. I liked her very much but she moved her practice a couple years ago to the oil rigs. So tough titties for me.

[Kittieface]

First off. It is NEVER too late. If you let yourself believe that, then it will be. But hold onto your hope. Really do!

I'm struggling myself, but I won't let myself give in to the idea that I will be this person for the rest of my life. Because I was once WAY worse off and I'm so much better now. So there must still be room for improvement.

I'm in Canada too! Bloody cold up here, isn't it? It was actually kinda nice two days ago, but yesterday felt more like a horribly cold winter day!

So, if it ok if I ask what's going on with your body? You mentioned ankle braces, and finger braces. And how half your body is like a stump? Is this a disability you deal with, or (and I mean no offense by this) is it something you're manifesting into you life by feeling horrible about your body?

I know that at points of high anxiety I'll convince myself of all kinds of awful illnesses. I'll make my body physically weak and sick. I've had doctors test me for tons of things I never had. Ever single illness I felt had no actual physical root. That's why I ask.

You can get through this. I don't know your exact situation. But getting up in the morning and just looking at yourself, telling yourself I LOVE YOU! and I'M BEAUTIFUL and any other affirmation you may need to incorporate into your life. And say it as much as you can! Say it until you believe it. And you probably won't at first. Whenever I fall back into this patter I'll tell myself I LOVE YOU and hear back UUUGGGGH lol I shrugg it off. Because I know eventually I'll start believing it and feeling it. It may need a little maintenance more than other people. But at least I have an idea of where to start.

[ghughes1980]

https://www.surveymonkey.com/sr_detail. ... YxmA%3d%3d

Here's my Shame/Secrets survey, pretty much sums it all up.

[Kittieface]

Wow. Thank you for sharing that. I don't think I would feel confident enough to let someone see my answers to that.

I can't say I know what you're going through. It seems that there was a lot put on your plate.
Are you able to function well physically?

I have to say that in writing you express yourself very well, and you seem very in touch with yourself. It always surprises me how we can be so aware of our thought patterns and still unable to change them.

I know it will take a little time and a lot of repetition, but I wouldn't throw in the towel. Not even close. You are very aware of your situation, and therefore are capable of deciding whether or not you will get better or worse. Maybe you were not dealt the best hand as far as neurologically and physically. But you are still a very capable and strong person. You're here. And you're talking to people. Which I need to assume (And yess ass - u - me as previously mentioned) that a part of you is looking to get better. So, you will.

My therapist used to tell me that I was on the road to getting better. And if I take three steps front and then one back it doesn't matter. Because I will never be who I used to be at the core of my first big depression. And that motivated me. I know that my anxiety seems to feel like it's a physical reaction, I haven't really sorted that out yet. But I know that I won't let myself get that bad ever again. I still sometimes have panic attacks. Lately it's the physical aspect of my I'm hating.. but I'll never be curled in a ball screaming and crying till I throw up again. That's a decision I made. I'll do anything in my power, which includes medicating myself, to avoid that.

When I read about all the surgeries you had I feel like an asshole for not appreciating the health that I do have. We do all have our own situations to deal with, but I never feel like I have the right to feel the way I do. Because somewhere in the world there's someone who would be happier in my situation than theirs. Not to imply that this means you, I mean people in general. People in third world countries. People in countries where they're married off at 12 and raped. And I think... You're an asshole Mel. Shut up and be happy. Catch 22 that one.

I wish I had the exact words to make you feel better. I really do feel like you have a fighting chance to feel better about yourself. I know with some people I've spoken to there wasn't an ounce of acknowledgment that what they're thinking is unhealthy towards themselves and others. But you seem to be tapped into that. To the point where you said your sister had to courage to say what you couldn't. That means you're aware of it. If not you may have lashed out and said something more along the lines of "she'll never understand."

It may not be my place, but I want to hear about you feeling better. So if all I can do at this distance is be supportive I will follow your posts and send you love and all that good stuff. Be good to yourself.

[ghughes1980]

http://www.topnews.in/health/files/Neur ... isease.jpg This is pretty accurate to my situation, just flip it from left to right. The same split happens in the lower torso also.

[fifthsonata]

The first part about dealing with it is to understand and come to accept that body dysmorphia means your perception of self cannot be trusted. What you see, what you feel, is like looking through a funhouse mirror. If you see a flaw, it doesn't actually mean that flaw is really there.


Have any of you struggling with this been to a counselor for this issue yet?

[ghughes1980]

I'm trying to get assistance with this, with no income it's hard to get in the door.

[Simon]

We now live in a culture that thrives on self-identification through the ridicule of others. From sitcoms to movies to advertising to reality television, others are mocked and defiled in order to make us feel better about ourselves. Any Adam Sandler film is a textbook example: even as he portrays a sympathetic outsider, he constantly surrounds himself with ugly and awkward characters that he relentlessly makes fun of so that we can still equate him with normalcy in his leading role as an outcast. How about films that dress up thin actors and actresses as comically obese characters so we can denigrate and humiliate them while assuring ourselves that the fat person we are laughing at on screen isn't really a person. Our society has trained people to feel good about themselves not through personal achievement or enlightenment, but instead by proving that they are somehow better than somebody else, and therefore through default have value. How do you possibly grow up with this kind of constant cultural bombardment and not have body issues?