Body Dysmorphic Disorder - Let's talk about it

[MiaMichelle]

I just wanted to start a new topic to invite those with BDD to share their personal feelings and struggles with this disorder.
I know BDD isn't usually talked about so let's talk about it now.

I'm currently in my late teens. The first body issues I had were from grade 4 when I developed an eating disorder from ballet. There's a lot of pressure in the ballet world to be as thin as possible and even as a pre-pubescent child, I felt fat. I was mortified when I got my period because that meant I was turning into a woman. That meant getting breasts, hips, curves and that's a big no-no for ballet. Eventually I became so obsessed with food that it dictated every aspect of my life. I would deprive myself of food, exercise compulsively and even purge on some days.

As I got older, my OCD and perfectionism manifested itself into BDD and I became obsessed with being flawless. I couldn't look myself in the mirror anymore because I had acne, frizzy hair, weird teeth and a whole slew of other body problems. Even when those things went away, I still felt like I was lower than shit. I could never understand how everyone else seemed to be so perfect and beautiful and I was this hideous troll creature. Eventually it got so bad that I spent most of my high school years avoiding social interaction, not letting people look at my face (I hid behind my hair a lot) and compulsively googling pictures of models and wishing I looked like them.

I am so unhappy with how I look that I think I deserve to die because of it. I'd be doing society a favor because they wouldn't have to look at me anymore. There's no way out for me besides either waking up looking like a supermodel tomorrow or just ending all my pain and misery right now. I've missed out on so many opportunities for happiness because I am revolted by my appearance and think other people are too.

It's been a horribly painful ordeal.

[MizLzie]

I'm sorry to hear about your story. Sad that there's so much pressure put on young girls and it doesn't seem to be getting any better... I remember wondering how girls I went to school with always looked so put together, when I was dealing with unruly curly hair, and disproportionately large boobs (to name a couple issues). Why couldn't I get my shit together to look like a functional person?? I still experience this and I'm 32 for fucks sake...

It's messed up that I'm almost jealous that people could have enough self control to do things like purge and manage their food. I start to hate myself so much that the only respite is stuffing my face, so that doesn't help. And then my self loathing keeps me on my couch instead of exercising.

Anyway - we are ALL beautiful in some way. I've learned that I'd rather be a bit different than the cookie cutter "pretty" ideal we've had forced down our throats. Might not be the best example, but even on America's Next Top Model, girls were chosen because they had a unique look, that they didn't fit that mold. (a lot of other things NOT ok with those programs, but I like this).

I'm rambling, sorry. I was hoping to write something that might help you to feel better, not sure if I have.

[ghughes1980]

The thing that bugs me the most is the perception the mind has. No matter what someone else says, what I think is warped so drastically that I don't see anything but the "problem areas". Getting more comfortable with the things that can't be changed is so difficult.

These things are there, they won't just go away and they aren't all mind delusions or what ever. That's the part people don't seem to get. How am I ever supposed to feel "normal" when these offending parts are still attached? I am reminded daily of this War amps commercial they ran in the 90's with Astar the robot: "I can put my arm back on, you can't so play safe!" All I ever thought when I watched that commercial was: " You lucky fucker you can chop the thing off in the first place! Why the hell would I ever want to put mine back on?" That fucking robot taunts me to this day when I can remember some dreams. Lucky for me these days dreams are few and far between.

I remember obsessively building and rebuilding a robot arm out of Construx for YEARS as a kid. I can build that thing in my sleep to this day. I look at drawings I made as a kid and every one of them mirrors me in some way. One side different than the other. I can't look at them now and the thought of drawing people brings panic because it's all a reminder of how fucking broken I am.

This is horrible and I just want to not be here. Not to die specifically but to not exist, to be nothing, to be dark.

[Cheesehead]

I remember as a teen and young adult spending literally hours studying the pictures of models in fashion magazines. Wondering how they got so lucky to be so perfect!! Wishing I had been that lucky...always wanting to be part of the "beautiful people." I also spent a lot of time in my real life studying people and comparing their bodies/face to the ideal of beauty. I get so pissed off when I think about it now as a middle-aged person. I feel so suckered that I fell for the lies that popular culture fed me. That I spent so much of my life punishing myself because I couldn't look like what I saw in the media. Finding out how distorted most all pictures are with all the photoshopping!! Trying so hard to attain an idea of beauty that was unattainable!! Why do we do this to each other?!

[Hail Ceasar]

Fellow body dysmorphic reporting for duty. Thing is, I've got it on the other side of the spectrum. I'm a man in my late 20s and see myself as half the size I really am. I think I may teeter on the edge of exercise bulimia too. I have a hard enough time finding clothes to fit over my muscles currently and still wouldn't mind it if I were 2x as big. And like ghughes1980 said, it really doesn't matter what anybody else says, we listen to the voice in our head and get stuck in our warped perception of our own bodies.

[MR_Elisha26]

My stuggle with BDD has been life long..as a transman i feel trapped in the wrong body..its torture everyday from the time i wake up until i go to sleep. i wear a binder that crushes my ribs and fills my lungs with fluid to achieve a masculine looking chest. the parts are all wrong and i am stuck with it. even if i have all the surgeries to correct what i have and dont have i will never have the experiences i should have had growing up and i will never be able to have a child the way i should be able to. i hate this body so much that i want to destroy it. but i have made promises not to. so i have transitioned for the past year and am trying to make the best of what is a fucked up situation. my body has betrayed me since the day i was born and i will never forgive it.

[ghughes1980]

MR_Elisha26 I understand the feeling. Even if there was a way to make things right there is still a lot of lost years.

[MR_Elisha26]

right now i am hurt and bitter about the life i was never able to live..all the experiences i wont have..that is what really haunts me the most. like no matter how great it is there is stuff i will never have done and that is what hurts the most..what makes my body so disgusting to me. i hate it so much..and any surgery seems so far away. i just want to end all of the pain.

[ghughes1980]

I understand, I really do. You're not alone. If I knew the answer to any of this I would love to help but I'm stuck also.