How do you look at yourself in the mirror?

[Cheesehead]

After decades of being fat and hating how I looked, I realized that when I look at myself in the mirror I never see the full picture of what I look like. I always have a purpose for looking at myself in the mirror and only focus on that when I look. For example to see if my hair looks ok, how my make-up looks, or if I like my shoes with an outfit. I never just view my entire body...I can't. I can only look at myself with a reason to check out a certain area or item. That might be why seeing myself in pictures or catching myself in a passing window always shock me so much. On a similar note, I also realize that most of the time when I do look at myself in the mirror for any reason, I don't see myself as fat as I am. I usually see a thinner me and that is another reason I think I get shocked by pictures and reflections. It is very surreal to see yourself expecting to look one way and seeing something rather different.

[fifthsonata]

I prefer to get really drunk first.

[ghughes1980]

1st step: Make sure I'm really tired and not quite with it.

2nd step: Don't east or drink anything for a few hours before so I don't feel bloated or do the bathroom stuff really early in the morning so I can just go right back to sleep and not think.

3rd step: Always be in a left side profile.

3 steps to not feeling completely shitty about the day.

[Churble]

I don't. My sister came to stay with me a few weeks ago and couldn't believe that the only mirror in my house is the tiny one over the bathroom sink. My hair is super simple so I just brush it in the morning and trust that it looks ok, I pick clothes that I know work together so I don't need to check, if I need makeup, I do it in the visor mirror in my car before I leave the driveway. When I'm in public I just keep my eyes down. I can't let myself start with a mirror, because once I do I get lost in it, I start obsessing with everything, I stare at my body and try to see if there are any angles that it looks ok from, I stare at my face and obsess over every little blemish. Avoidance may not work for everyone, but as long as I don't have to see what I look like, I can imagine that I look pretty damn good today. It's pretty much the only way I can walk around with any confidence.

[ThJulie]

For years and years I struggled with body dismorphia. I had no idea that that term pertained to me until I got more into my recovery. When you are in it, you are completely and utterly blind to the reality of your body. You see almost a cartoon circus mirror of yourself where everything you feel inside is written for only you on your skin - in your fat - completely overwhelming how you really look or who you really are.

I used to look in the mirror and cry - hit myself - write in red sharpie all over to punish my form. I starved for years and years and no matter how little I got or how ill I became, there was always more to loose. When I began to gain weight from eating a little more but not really into my recovery, I could not even look in the mirror at all. Mirrors would paralyze me with fear and anxiety so much so that I think I went almost a year without having any idea what I really looked like.

It was honestly not until I got on Cymbalta and began therapy that I was able to begin breaking out of the dysmorphic fog for the first time in over a decade. It started by taking selfies. I would take self photos of a small part of my face and post them on facebook. Once I did that it was permanent and I submitted to myself that that was me for now. I slowly took more and more self shots of my face and began to like little parts of how I looked. I glanced in the mirror here and there - just long enough to reality check but not long enough to dive back into my non reality. Then the more and more I took photos of myself however I was and look in the mirror every now and again, I bean to reconnect with myself as a person and a body - as a whole.

I now am fully into my recovery at a healthy weight and eating all kinds of foods. My lbs are stable and I feel amazing. I have graduated from therapy and am a therapist myself and yes, there are days where I get all crazy and get a wave of dysmorphia, but I reality check by grounding myself visually and emotionally in my body each day.

[ghughes1980]

Oh shit! ThJulie you are one of my new heroes! Does that photo thing actually help? I'm game for anything that will get me out of this hell. I'm a recent re-starter of talk therapy but right now the therapist and I are just focusing on getting some basic life skills going again. When I slide down hill the whole of me goes and it's pretty bad. This dismorphia is on the back burner I guess but I'm finding that it particularly is a BIG issue and any strategies I can implement on my own while I do these tasks set forth for the day to day "living" has got to be a big bonus.

Any ideas other than the photos?

[ThJulie]

ghughes1980...

I did a few things that helped.

CLOTHING
I stopped looking at all sizes of clothes. I held them up to me in a mirror or just looking down and bought the clothes I felt would fit me. In the beginning I bought clothes WAY too big and slowly over time, learned to gague my size accuratelty without putting stupid labels on it. Now I can decide what will fit me just by looking.

FOOD
I ate just what my body wanted. If my body wanted chips, I ate that. Chocolate, I ate that. Veges, I ate that. You get the point. I made sure to eat three meals a day and snacks if I felt I needed it. After listening to what my body really wanted, it learned to regulate itself and I not longer have these irrational starvation cravings for rediculous food amounts or types/

PAMPERING
Make sure to keep your body and hair clean and cared for. Take the time you need to make you feel more comfortable in your appearance. If that means getting your hair dyed or nails done or just wearing really comfy clothes on a friday night, DO IT. Your body/ mind craves things that it needs. Listen.

MIRRORS
Look in the mirror every day at least once or twice to ground yourself in reality. Sometimes our body dismorphia gets us seeing things that are not there and by looking at yourself you can slowly regulate your image of yourself. Start with face and slowly allow yourself to see more and more. If you feel triggered, that is a sign that you are pushing yourself. It's ok to feel uncomfortable.

ACTIVITY
Pick up activities that help you love yourself and spend time with yourself. I draw, sing, go on nature adventures, play video board and role playing games with friends and read. It makes me feel safe and loved and like I am giving a gift of me to myself.

READ RECOVERY SHIT
this blog is awesome. Start here. Also other blogs on http://psychcentral.com/ are great like "weightless" and "emotionally sensitive". Pick up ED recovery books. Go to support groups. Get a good therapist! http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/r ... 4AodeRQAqQ

me then and now
106 lbs and 145 lbs now

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recovery rocks

[ghughes1980]

Some of those suggestions will work. As my dismorphia is not grounded in a weight issue or eating disorder I will have to adjust accordingly. I do think the selfies will help. It's just a matter of implementing. The last week was harsh for me and I discussed it with my therapist today so here goes, it can't get much worse only better.

[Kittieface]

Wow, Cheesehead... I do the EXACT same thing. Actually... I'm on here now because I was plucking my eyebrows and it slowly turned into, "God.. your pores really show.. is that a hair? your face got fat" and slowly just blew itself out of proportion. Now I'm sitting here thinking about how much I disgust myself.

I definitely made it a point to only check what I need to check. It's almost as if I've trained my eyes to grey out the rest. And if I stay for longer than the basic time needed that's when it all falls apart. I just have the opposite problem.. I think... I think I'm skinnier and when I look in the mirror I'm muuuch bigger than I had in mind. It's like all I can see is folds and rolls. I don't even think I know what I really look like. It's hard to know if I'm bigger or smaller.

I dance. And I always THINK my dance looks a certain way, and it seems to get a good response. But then I'll watch footage and I'm so uninspired. I think the only thing that keeps me dancing is that I enjoy it and people think it's good. But I just stopped watching my performances. I'm always so disgusted. I always see how much wider I am than the other girls. Not to mention I'm just short of 6 feet tall so I'm always taller. So in essence... I'm just monstrously bigger than them when I'm dancing.

Lately I've been comparing my stomach to Zoidberg from Futurama. I'm trying to lose weight now. I know that probably won't do anything, since I've BEEN smaller and still felt this way. I've gone from size 18 to 12 back to 18 and nothing EVER changed. It was pretty amazing to have one summer without my thighs rubbing together when I wore skirts... But I still thought I was huge. And it's only looking back at it now that I'm like... "IDIOT!!! What's wrong with you?!?!?!"

Anyways.. I have to go back to fixing my eyebrows and trying not to hate myself in the process lol. Wish me luck

[Data]

How I look in the mirror is totally dependent on how in my depression I am.

If I am in a normal mood I will look at my whole body standing perfectly square with the mirror, shave my face, fix my hair, admire my awesome sideburns, and go. Maybe I will notice I'm a little fluffy today. No mater how much working out I do I seem to always keep a little layer of fluff on top. I think I'm of a stocky German breed, and an excellent cuddler, so the fluff just adds to that. Sometimes I think how a I would look fantastic in a full beard, but remember that it isn't with work dress code so that is for another day. (Writing this part out actually felt a little good).

If I am depressed I will stand perpendicular with the mirror so that my gut sticks out as far as possible and my chest, whether it be muscle or fat, looks like man boobs. I will stand like this and suddenly an hour will have gone by. I glare at myself and think what a fat fuck I am, and how no clothes ever seem to fit, and how I am always failing at losing weight, and how if I could just manage to not eat for a few days this would all be better. This comes from a guy who is 160 lbs and 5'9", a totally normal healthy weight. I will think how ugly the acne scars are on my face, and how I don't understand how in my mid twenties I can still have acne. I will think I will never look good with that full beard I want cause that stupid spot on my chin that never seems to grow in right. These thoughts will play on loop for the rest of the day. Sometimes I can recognize what is going on and I will take a bed sheet and tack it over the mirror for the day. However, sometimes I don't and then the mirror and I will have hour long glaring matches throughout the day.

P.S. @ThJulie. I sat here wondering if I should say this or if it would be totally creepy for far to long. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it. You look A-Fucking-Mazing in those pictures to the right. Awesome style and attitude you got going.