Gender Dysphoria + Body Issues = Terrible

[pandaknite]

Gender dysphoria tends to have me wanting to mutilate my body to somehow make it more male. I don't think a lot of you can relate to that... I could be wrong, but eh. Dysphoria is bad enough, but then there's the issue of me thinking I'm too fat, ugly, etc.

I am stuck between wanting to weigh as little as possible, and wanting to be a muscular god. I don't really have the motivation to effect either. I can't get myself to go to the gym, even though it is literally a 10 minute walk away (I don't have my license, and it's quicker to walk than to wait half an hour for the bus just to travel one bus stop away )

I don't know why I have the feelings of wanting to weigh very little. I don't really help it by binging, although I haven't been doing that as much as of late. Hell, as of late it's been hard to finish a slice of pizza. This seems to always happen in the summer, so, I bet I'll probably gain 20 pounds in the winter.

I do know why I have feeling of wanting to be muscular - gender. I'd look far more masculine if I had a bit of muscle on me. Plus, as much as I hate gender stereotypes, it's hard to get past the feeling that it isn't very manly not to be able to lift a pack of water bottles.

I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of posting this. I guess I just feel like doing something at 6:53 in the morning, so, might as well write things in a forum. >.>

[Herself]

First, please don't mutilate any part of you. Okay? You're very young and have time.

Do you think you'd feel less concerned about weight if you were muscular?

[pandaknite]

I won't mutilate my body... it is an urge, but I will not succumb to it. It's not in my best interest. I've self harmed around my chest area, but never in such a way that it'd cause permanent damage. Merely light scars.

I'm not sure if being muscular would get rid of my urge to weigh less. I mean, on the one hand, I'd look a lot better. On the other hand, however, I tend to focus (and sometimes hyperfocus) on numbers. With some things, it gets out of hand. Like, with the television volume, I'm not a normal person who needs the number to be even or odd or whatever. I need it to be a multiple of 5. This drives my family nuts. Anyway, back on topic.

I'm not sure if I'd worry more about the number on the scale or the number on the tape measure around my muscles. It's really hard to tell at this point.

[MR_Elisha26]

i know exactly how you feel. i hate this body more than anything and i want to be rid of it so badly. lately i have been dreaming that i travel through time into the very distant future where they are able to change my biological gender. the dreams are amazing while i am sleep but they torture me every second i am awake. hormones have helped quite a bit..i am read as male 100% and i have way a more masculine build..but all of that means nothing when i see my body in the mirror or feel that aches and pains in my back, shoulders, and ribs from my binder. i have a love/hate affair with my packer..and my dysphoria is getting worse.

i have thrown myself into working out and i am hoping it will help me loose my chest until i can get surgery. i just wanted to post that i know some of your pain and can relate.