I just need to vent...

[Kittieface]

It's not entirely a body issue, but it half is for today..

Truth is, I just really need to vent.. and I don't know where to turn to right now.

I've been slipping lately.. Feeling depressed. I'm taking Melatonin to sleep. I've got moments where I feel great and then one thing happens and the world comes crashing down. I failed my driving test today. No biggie, I can do it again. But I cried anyways. I was so disappointed in myself. And periodically throughout the day I felt like.. What if I just can't learn these things, can't get my license, can't get better at things. I have a new position at work I love. And I had such an extreme fear of failure today. I don't normally carry that around. For the most part I've learned to be functional in society. Sometimes that means bottling and suppressing things. Ignoring irrational thoughts. But the last week or so has been a definite challenge for me.

I feel repulsed by myself, physically. By all means I know I'm not ugly or fat or gross like I seem to think I am. I've been told I'm beautiful by so many people my whole life. In a moment of insomnia yesterday I decided to straighten my hair and put on makeup and a cute polka dot dress with my laced up boots. And alllll day long was just compliment after another. I can't possibly be an ugly person to get that many compliments in a day, can I? I usually just tie my hair in a bun and hear something pretty under the radar. Pants and a t shirt. Or a simple, un-revealing skirt and.. a t shirt. Sometimes I have moments where I look in the mirror and think, "My God.. I really am pretty." And then I try to look and take it in a minute. Just to enjoy feeling good about myself. And it takes seconds before my mind just distorts me. Almost immediately I start to see things I don't like. Things that I would never consider ugly on another person. But on me.. it's repulsive. I think I'm disgusting.

I forced myself to go to Zumba today. It was partly as an attempt to feel better. Partly a punishment for being disgusting and unsexy. I watch the other girls. Compare myself to them constantly. I just assume I look sluggish and terrible. Like the kind of awkward that makes people feel uncomfortable. I feel like that in everything I do. That sad kid scenario in the movies where you feel for the rejected, picked on fat kid. That's how I assume people feel around me sometimes. Not always.

Sometimes I do better for myself not looking in mirrors. I honestly will go without it. And when I do, it always ruins my mood.

I was unlocking my bike to go home and a thought crossed my mind that scared me. I thought, "How much longer am I willing to do this?" I would never kill myself. The thought of death terrifies me. But God.. I'm so God damn TIRED sometimes of being a crazy fucking person underneath it all! I wish I could just stand on the roof tops and yell, "YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW JUST HOW CRAZY I AM!!!" to everyone who's ever met me. I don't want people's sympathy. I don't want to hear it'll be ok. I just want it to fucking stop! I'm so fucking sad all the fucking time. Even under the happiest moment is this fucking deep seeded sadness and it just won't fucking go away.

My brother doesn't have any of this. He's such a chill happy go lucky guy. Nothing is ever a problem. It's like over the 5 years between us my mom compiled all her crazy genes and just dropped them into one whole baby girl. And it hurts him to see me like this. I know it does. The guy's been such a pillar for me. He's basically been holding me while I cry since birth. My mom always tells me stories of him holding me while I cried in my crib. Or while my parents were fighting. Or just when I was sad. He helped me leave a physically abusive relationship at 15. I was scared that my ex would kill me. And he just stood by me. He dragged me everywhere he went just to not leave me alone. Integrated me into his group of friends. Let me sit in on his band practice. He just was constantly there. And I just want to give him a fucking break. I want to give the people around me a break. I can't even imagine why I'd drag my husband into this. He's following closely in the footsteps of my brother. Being there no matter what, even from such a great distance. I'm scared that one day he'll need me and I just might not happen to be stable at that time. And I'll let the ball drop. For every time he was there for me, I'll fail to return the support.

I'm tired of being so shy. I'm shy about my body. I hate people looking at me. I NEVER make eye contact. Omg I struggle soooo much. It makes me so uncomfortable. It's so rude. I know. But fuck. In Montreal walking with your head up in an open invitation for conversation. And a lot of the time I'm just holding back way too much emotion for that. I don't like being hit on also. I hate being sexualized. I had a guy the other day stand behind me on the escalator and slowly slide his hand up the rail until it touched me ass. So I walked up the rest of the way. And he followed. Got in FRONT of me on the next one and just stared at me. I quickly texted my husband to call me. It was all I had at that point. And I walked quickly head down, looked back and he wasn't behind me. He stayed in the metro. I kept walking quickly and I turn back again and there he is following me. The caught up to me and asked me if I had a bf, to which I replied I was married. And he said GOOD JOB! and gave me a thumbs up and left! You grope me.. stay inappropriately close to me.. stalk me.. and then just walk away. THANK GOD HE WALKED AWAY. That was terrifying! I fucking hate people sometimes. I was so scared of what he could have done. He was actually bigger than me. Which at 5'11 is hard to come by really.
I remember once I woke up at a friend's place and he was jerking off with me hand... I didn't move a muscle. I was so scared that if I resisted it would escalate.
I have a family who all grew up grabbing each other's asses. I don't understand the obsession. Grabbing asses. Don't touch my ass. WHY WOULD YOU TOUCH MY ASS?! What kind of relationship could we possible have that would merit that?! I've been molested and raped and I just don't feel like I need to tell people about it to convince them not to touch my ass anymore! They just shouldn't! Because it's inappropriate. It literally (and excuse the phrasing) makes my vagina feel like it's just curled up and died. It makes my insides turn. It arises such a feeling of disgust!

And that's another thing, On the topic of body image... What is with pants lately?! Why do they need to be so fucking tight?! I can't find one pair of pants that don't make me feel like there's basically a neon sign pointing to my vagina. Yes people know it's there. They don't need to see it. I'm pretty uncomfortable with it and I don't want to be walking around wondering if people are looking at it...

I really hate my knees. Is that weird? I think they look fat. I have fat knees. And my ankles! They're not cankles. But they're pretty thick ankles! I can't wear ankle bracelets. That's always bothered me. I have to make my own.

Alot of the time I look at myself and think I look like a man. That may have something to do with my stature. I'm 5'11 and pretty think. Not fat. Thick. But I'm also pretty curvy. That should balance out feeling like a woman.. but it doesn't. When I dress up like a woman I feel like I'm lying to everyone. Like I'm pretending to be a pretty girl, and they'll all see through it. So as a result I usually default to tom boyish clothing. I've always been like this.
Also... I fail to see the practicality in some/most women's clothing. But that shouldn't doom me to dressing like a man. It's a spiral. I think I'm not pretty enough to look like a girl, and then angry because I feel like a man.

I'm just tired...
If you made it through this.. Thank you. Even if you skimmed through it, or glanced at it. I just needed to get this all out. And it's nice to know that none of you actually no what I look like. So you can't try and talk me out of it. Just maybe offer a similar story or something of the like.

Thank you soooooooooooooooooo much for just giving me a place to do this without that looming feeling of being pathetic. I cried a substantial amount writing this. I'm not saying that for pity points. It actually made me feel a lot better. I think I really needed this.

<3

[ghughes1980]

I totally relate, the night time is the busiest for me when dealing with this stuff. It seems to hit when I'm trying to wind down from the day and not distracting myself.

[weary]

Hugs to you, Kittieface.
That sounds like it was a really hard week.
You sound like you're a beautiful person, and somewhere inside you, you know that, and you actually realize it sometimes, but you have a very strong internal voice telling you otherwise. That sucks. You're right - I don't know what you look like and I'm not trying to talk you out of your feelings and opinions about your body. But I see in your own words and your descriptions that there is beauty there. The effort you took in dressing up in the polka dot dress outfit and the compliments you got, for example.

The situation with the subway groper sounds like it was really, really scary. I'm sorry that you have had to suffer through so many violations of your body and your personal space.

It took some guts and determination to go to Zumba this week. Good job. You said that it was an attempt to feel better - did you feel any better, at all, in any way?

I wish I could just stand on the roof tops and yell, "YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW JUST HOW CRAZY I AM!!!" to everyone who's ever met me. I don't want people's sympathy. I don't want to hear it'll be ok. I just want it to fucking stop! I'm so fucking sad all the fucking time. Even under the happiest moment is this fucking deep seeded sadness and it just won't fucking go away.

THIS.
Thank you for saying that. It is so fucking overwhelming sometimes, isn't it? I know that feeling. That all those people you know don't understand, can't understand, can't see what you're struggling with under the surface.

I know that it hurts, and I know that you are struggling, but I see a lot of hope in your words - maybe you are reaching out for some validation because you don't trust that hope or maybe you don't see it yourself yet. But you have a lot of insight and understanding of what makes you tick, and you have at least two people in your life who love and accept you the way you are and seem to be supporting you in very helpful ways to allow you to grow stronger. Thanks for sharing your stories and venting.

[Cinnamon]

There is a lot there in your post and I am glad you were able to vent.
It is overwhelming sometimes and a lot of your post was about how you react to outside things or you assume people are judging you (the lying when you dress a certain way, compliments, conversation).

and yet, such a clear and insightful voice - full of pain, yes, but love and caring and gratitude.
I hear your struggle and your strong sense of self inside battling to figure out how it fits...that is a lot of energy. No wonder you are tired.
Nurture yourself. Ignore the subway creeps and the conversations you assume others have in their head about you.
You will get to a better place. Thanks for sharing, it was very insightful.

[oak]

Hey Kittieface thanks for posting.

Your post there gave me a new perspective on a woman's experience. You really gave me a new perspective.

Butts are not for public touching by strangers. I am sorry you were violated that way. It got me thinking that how, as a guy, society gives me license to make a big stink about physical threats, real or perceived, that women are expected to accept.

I second the esteem for your brother: for a young fella to invite his sister to his band practice shows alot of love. Smooth. Very accepting.

Also, I was thinking *just yesterday* about the power of eye contact. I never thought about it until I read that book "Black Like Me". Basically, I've realized that as a member of several privileged identities (male, white, middle-class-appearing), I've been able to stare at people (hopefully not threateningly or creepily) all I want without thinking about it. "Black Like Me" taught me that staring can be a life-threatening choice for other populations.

Hugs. Hang in there.

[Kittieface]

Thank you guys so much for writing back <3 It means so much to me that you took the time to read all of that ramble, and that there was such a positive and supportive response.

I send you all so much love <3 I hope I can be as much a support in your times of need.

Oak - Your response made my day. I'm interested in looking at that book too. Thank you so much for that exchange <3