Intrusive Thoughts While Driving

[bigeekgirl]

I thought I'd share this to see if anyone relates and just get the ideas out of my head.

I have both what I consider suicidal ideation (without actual intent) and intrusive "awfulizing" thoughts. Driving is a huge trigger for these thoughts, although they happen other times, too. Usually, it is around objects or situations which are potentially dangerous to myself or others. I know why driving is a trigger; I didn't get my licence until three years ago at age 34. It was a huge deal for me to overcome all those years of logistical barriers and anxiety, plus learning is harder as you age, guys. No joke. My brain tells me I'm not good enough at driving and I might hurt someone with an error. I will see the potential accident in my head. Sometimes, it's a weird almost-urge to drive into a concrete wall or run a red light. At home, it can be walking by my kitchen counter and seeing a knife sitting on the cutting board and imaging myself plunging it into my stomach (so melodramatic) or, cutting veggies, and seeing an imagine of the knife slipping and either cutting my hand badly or falling on my foot. Same sort of thing with stairs, either throwing myself down or falling accidentally.

The feeling and imaginary is so vivid.

The "on purpose" ideas got significantly worse two years ago after life event that significantly changed my future and killed dream I held so dear. I wasn't entirely sure I would survive and, for the first time in my long history of depression, I didn't see anything left to hold me to life. It ended up being a bit of a stand-off between me and hopelessness like The Princess Bride where the Dread Pirate Roberts says to Wesley every night, ""Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Things are - not better, exactly - but different.

I still have the flashes of intrusive thoughts, less intense and less frequent, but always disturbing.

[oak]

You are by no means alone, BGG!

I think what you describe is very common. I am scared of heights partly because I'm afraid I'll jump... intentionally.

I am glad you faced your fear, and I am glad you are driving now. Driving is certainly a fraught situation.

I am glad you made it to today, after said crisis two years ago. I have no easy answers of why you made it through so far, but I am glad you did.

[bigeekgirl]

Thanks, oak.
I'm glad I'm here, too. Life is hard, but it's also good.