Why not just stay home?

[Jazz and blues]

Every time I get invited out or have some event I want to go to, I get all excited and then as it creeps closer I get anxious. I start to worry about the money I will spend on or at the event, I worry about how to get there, the subways are annoying, I don't know enough people there, this person doesn't like me.Then about a half hour before I need to get ready and leave I just say, "why not just stay home? It will be easy, and simple. I can have two dinners, drink some wine, and watch documentaries and law and order reruns until I fall asleep, or decide to jerk off."

[kitkat]

I go through the same thing, except my anxiety will start at the very mention of an outing. I think about all these things I'd want to do, like go to concerts or parties or whatever, but then I think, "I can't do that, I'll have a panic attack!" There are so many restaurants I want to try, but I know I wouldn't enjoy it because I'd be too anxious. It's kind of sad. So most of the time, I avoid it altogether, or I'll say, "THIS time I'll go," but end up curled on the couch the whole day, worrying about it.

BUT! There are some times when I think, "fuck it," and decide I will go out just for a little bit, or I will go out and tell myself I'm allowed to leave at any moment if I get uncomfortable. Of course, it's not that often, but the more it happens, the more I feel like I'm improving somewhat. So, yea, it's easy to stay in, but sometimes it's more rewarding to force yourself. (which is obviously WAY easier written than done, but, you know.)

[Jazz and blues]

I completely agree. I told myself to shut and just went out last night and it was great, I didn't drink and I didn't feel the pressure to drink. I arrived when I wanted to and left when I felt like it. POWER.

[MizLzie]

I do this all the time, to the point that I have to make myself go to things so that people will still call. I've found myself alone for long stretches of time since people got tired of asking and me never going.

Jazz and Blues - that's great to hear! I haven't been drinking since the beginning of December, and aside from what appears to be low mood from withdrawal, I feel great. I am nervous though about going out with booze everywhere, people encouraging me to drink, ignoring my limits and getting trashed...

Which makes me want to stay at home. :/ What matters is who I am with, not what birthday or night out I attend. I have been making the effort to see those people, but ugh - those other things still make me nervous.

[Jazz and blues]

I know what you mean, it can be tough. Several times when I managed to go out I over did and was really upset with myself. Because of friends encouraging me to drink and knowing bartenders and what not it can be difficult to stick to your limit, but I just had a small conversation with some of my friends about it, and I was so relieved with how understanding they were.

[gfyourself]

Great thread - I identify with all this stuff.

[RationalMuse]

Man can I relate! I realized that I need to make sure the next time my in-laws invite my family for a family dinner on the weekend to their place that I need to make myself go because I have stayed home by myself and let my husband and kids go without me for almost all the dinners there in the past five months (1 per month except during the holidays). There isn't anything even wrong or upsetting about my in-laws at all (I am very, very lucky) - but the effort to go, eat an okay dinner with bland small talk for three hours can feel so pointless when I am battling depression and work stress that I can't talk to them about. The facade is too much work.

It is hard to not project negative outcomes on going out or being with certain people when you have actual evidence that it can be a negative experience, even if it has an equal chance of working out and ending positively. We over emphasize the negative and discount the positive instinctually.

I have the most success with keeping excursions, lunch dates, coffee, and even date night with my husband short and easy to end early if things start going south and just as easy to extend if things are going okay. Now that I am off work on stress/depression medical leave for 8 weeks, I am going to try to make at least 1 outing per day, like I did when I was on maternity leave with my daughters so that I could come in contact with adults and people who could form sentences. The weather up here in Alberta Canada in winter plays a huge role in whether I bother leaving the house too. Last week, with wind chill it was - 40 degrees C = -40 degrees F. Nope, not taking the dog for a walk, warming up the car to go get groceries, etc...

[ididthatonce]

Oh I SO relate to this thread! I'm nervous and socially awkward on my best days, and throwing new people and unfamiliar places into the mix is just a recipe for an anxiety attack. Sometimes I'll bow out when I know I won't enjoy myself, like when my friends go to a bar. I can't drink because of my medication and I'm in a relationship, so, really, what's the point? I've also definitely said I was sick to avoid going to events, especially ones that are going to be loud or crowded. I have to be at 100% energy to even mildly enjoy a club or concert, and after a long week or a busy day, I'm not even close to being there. If I'm at 90%, I'll make myself go for an hour and re-evaluate whether I want to stay after that. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I hightail it out of there. Weirdly (or not weirdly... I don't know how other people are), I actually like being alone. It sucked when I was unemployed and spent all day every day on my couch. But now that I'm working, I really cherish my "me" time. Of course I want to hang out with people, but I like to have at least one weekend a month where I don't do shit. It's totally worth it.

[slingsandarrows]

I don't mind the impulse to stay home--it's the guilt about not being somewhere exciting that really tears me up. I know I'll be happier at home, I know I'm objectively a normal amount of social, but every time I choose to stay in instead of go to a party or bar, I beat myself up about being boring and ungrateful for the opportunity to live where I do. It's the worst.

[trube81]

I used to force myself to go out and would drink to the point of blacking out to deal with the anxiety and the paranoid feeling that everyone was talking about how disgusting or stupid I am. The drinking got the point where I would have to rely on outside sources to learn about my actions and terrible choices that were made the night before... so I stopped. Without the aid of liquid courage, I was incapable of group outings. So I stayed home alone, and lost several friends because of it.

I now cling to one best friend and two delightfully comforting cats.