i cant get out of my head

[woo]

I'm new here so I hope I'm doing this right.. um..where to start. I grew up with a mother with severe bipolar disorder, which I now also have but its not very severe (yet?).. I am taking medication for this and it helps a little. The real problem I think comes from the trauma I experienced in my 20s. I accepted a ride home with someone I shouldn't have. He never stopped at my house and kidnapped me instead and sexually assaulted me for like 3 days. There was never any penetration because he had the smallest dick in the world, hardly functional, which is where I imagine a lot of his anger and sexual frustration came from. I was never physically forced to do any of the things I did but he made it known that he would hurt me and knew where I lived too. it eventually occured to me that this asshole was full of shit and I kicked down the screen door and ran. I called the cops and turned him in, lead them back to his house and had him arrested. (He was out in 72 hours by the way)

So now almost ten years later, I have a boyfriend, I have a son and a pretty good life but I feel that all this shit is bubbling to the surface and I can't stop having horrific thoughts all the time. I constantly think about ways I could get hurt or tragic ways my son could die. I'm always looking around the room for things I could use as weapons if I had to. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder and I have such fear that someone will hurt my son that I imagine all of the ways this could happen. I imagine him getting kidnapped, and the worst thing yet is I just had a dream that I witnessed a little boy getting sodomized and couldn't get my phone to dial 911 or get to the child. I know this is all fairly self explanitory when it comes to my trauma, and I have started therapy, but can anyone tell me how to get out of my fucked up head? I feel like I just need a break. It never stops

[oak]

Welcome.

Yeah, sometimes stuff bubbles up years later. Hang in there.

[Geek]

I am sorry for what you endured. Have you taken self defense? The reason I ask is that sometimes when you empower yourself, it could help you to cope with those fears. Just a suggestion.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Woo,
It's good you're in therapy, because what you experienced sounds really traumatic. Our bodies and minds react when we try to stuff memories or emotions and just "get over them". We drink, we punch, we steal, we worry, we cut, we shut down, we explode, we hurt, you name it, we all express our pain in different ways.

Stuff takes time to work though. I SO wish I was done processing the things that happened to me, but they all have their own timetable. But with dedication to working through them with professionals or qualified peers (like a support group for sex abuse survivors), we can and do recover. Surrender to the fact that it will take time. Surrender to the fact that these thoughts are overwhelming. Surrender to the work and tears needed to process this, because I don't know of any other way around it. If there was, I would have done it!

Big Hug,

Paul