Intrusive Thoughts at bedtime

[Wren]

I'm often pretty afraid someone is in my house hiding and waiting to kill me. It's been a sensation I've carried around as long as I can remember. It's strongest when I'm home alone or when I'm the last to fall asleep. I hate being the last to fall asleep. I want to be the first. Because if I'm still awake and my husband has fallen asleep already, (like last night) then I will lay there trembling because I'm certain as soon as I close my eyes and roll over someone with an axe will come and hack us to bits.
Sometimes this abates but I think with all the anxiety I'm having lately it's really ramped up. It's hard not to even hallucinate someone standing at the end of the bed. If I have to pee in the middle of the night I have to run back to bed like a child and jump so something doesn't "get" me. It wakes my husband up and I feel terrible. I don't want to keep him up because my brain is still doing the things it did when I was 5.
It's really fucking terrifying. Anyone else have a hard time falling asleep because an ax murdered might be waiting? Or have a hard time getting up to get a glass of water because someone might jump out from behind a door and stab you? I'm 31 years old! Really tired of it.

[manuel_moe_g]

I cannot quite answer this, there are some nights where I figure an axe murderer would be doing me a favor. Everything I have done wrong would be considered erased, and now people are chasing the axe murderer guy, because now _he_ is the bad guy. Now my pathetic life would no longer be a black spot on the universe. When I was a kid, I would wrap my security blanket around my neck to try to stop vampires. Back then there was no hesitation about if I wanted to continue living. Today my general anxiety makes it less clear.

This answer got pretty dark, I am sorry, Wren. If I was you, I would use the old cheesy advice to fall asleep counting your blessings, and have blessing number one be that the fire of desire to live burns in your heart. The comedian Bill Burr practices acting like a tough guy whenever he gets the sense that a ghost may be in the next room, so he fakes being brave and launches himself bravely into the dark room. Maybe something like that, at least the axe murderer has to deal with somebody acting brave and with a bold face of determination when he strikes. Please forgive me if this advice is just lame and dark and lousy.

[Wren]

Haha, no Moe, it was great. Thank you! Isn't it funny how the will to live just comes and goes? I've battled with suicidal ideation all my life but am still afraid to get hacked to pieces in my sleep. Go figure. I guess it's a control thing.

[manuel_moe_g]

I will wish you the gift of untroubled sleep, Wren. You deserve to awake refreshed every morning. Please take care.

[dave]

I have something similar. I am 52 and live alone. I sometimes check my apartment for murderers before going to bed, in particular I have this notion that an ex-girlfriend of mine, who I didn't treat very well, is hiding somewhere in my place waiting for me. I often look for her before bed. I have OCD and I assume it's that.

[NeonFirefly]

I used to feel this way when I was younger. However, these days I'm so exhausted that I'd probably sleep right through an axe attack.

*hug*