Sexual abuse: podcast helped me realize.

[Son & Air]

Oh for god's sake. IF I HEAR FROM ONE MORE PERSON WHO THINKS THEY WERE SEXUALLY EXPLOITED WHEN NOBODY LAID A HAND ON THEM I'M GOING TO RUN AMUCK AND START KILLING PEOPLE.

[admin]

Son & Air,

I'm not going to delete your post since people should be able to see what is unacceptable and counterproductive to the safety of this forum, but I am going to ban you. Denigrating other people's experience and threatening to kill people is not acceptable. We welcome people sharing about darkness they are struggling with but not when it is aimed specifically at members of the forum.

Paul

[IceLupus]

Oak there is no need to feel bad about your thoughts. I had many dark thought of ways of killing or mutilating my father for what he had done. I even once made a comment that if I caught him alone I would torture him till he begged for death. Not being bright at the time , since there were about a dozen cops around me, I thought everyone felt that way about someone.
I found out recently that he had died a year and a half ago or so. I still harbor those thoughts of darkness towards him. I think I always will. I know it's wrong and I should let it go but I still hate the man.

Oak I feel for you and am sending out all the best positive energy i can to you. This Podcast and Forum have started me on a path I think will lead to me feeling more normal.

And to Mr. Gilmartin, thanks for being such a wonderful person and giving us all a place to let our feelings out.

-Joe a.k.a. IceLupus-

[oak]

@Admin/Paul: Thank you for defining and standing by boundaries for a safe space. I join with Ice in thanking you for this forum.

@Ice: Thanks for your kind words, my internet friend. I have experienced healing from this situation, in large part because of this forum. Predictably, sometimes I have an emotional flareups, but perhaps that part of the acceptance and healing.

Since I am sometimes creeped out by hugs in real life, I send internet high fives all around.

[IceLupus]

@admin, Thank you for leaving that ignorant post up. I was the victim of sexual abuse and rape. I have never looked down on anyone who feels they were molested or sexualized just because there was no physical contact. I hope other members of the forum read the ignorant post by Son&Air and realize that just because you might have had trauma in the past does not give you the right to malign other or belittle them. Such stupidity as that comment, especially stating they will go out and shoot people, shows a lack of compassion, intellect, and maturity I think we all can live without. Thank you again for leaving it up and posting that it is inappropriate here.

-IceLupus-

[fightingforpeace]

Yes, I really relate to this as well. I'd probably been listening to the podcast for at least a year before it finally connected that the "inappropriate stuff happened but I don't know if I should classify it as abuse" category could actually apply to me personally and not just other people. I've got two younger sisters, one of which was molested for several years by a man who also had frequent one-on-one access to me from the time I was two. My sister repressed the abuse for many years, so this revelation was only made known within the last five years. To the best of my knowledge, I wasn't molested (or if I was, it happened when I was too young to have any memory of it). I've definitely carried a lot of shame and survivor's guilt over this happening, often questioning why it happened to her and not me, why didn't I realize it sooner (I'm a therapist now so I tell myself I should have seen the warning signs), or why didn't I protect her since I'm her big sister (the obvious answer is that I was 8 years old at the time but guilt isn't rational). Up until fairly recently, all my attention has focused on how to support my sister who was the primary victim and how to support my parents and other siblings in their grief and confusion, but not on how it has impacted my own life and personal memories of my childhood.

Now that the acute crisis period has passed and I've had some time to sift through everything, I'm starting to realize how inappropriate this same abuser was towards me as well. My youngest sister (who also was not molested to the best of our knowledge) recently confided in me that she felt like she was being groomed for abuse by this man from a very young age. Her comment, along with repeated exposure to this same issue through the podcast, have finally given me permission to admit to myself that I was also victimized to a lesser extent. I think even entertaining that thought two or three years ago would have made me feel like I was betraying my sister who was molested, as if I was making light of her pain by even mentioning what happened to me in the same breath. However, this is MY baggage, not my sister's. When I expressed feeling this way to her, one of the first things she said to me was, "you couldn't be more wrong. It's very validating to me to hear other people corroborate that my abuser was a very evil man who engaged in grooming tactics with many young girls, not just me. It helps with my own self doubt to hear you talk about strategies he used to manipulate you and know that they match up with my own memories." The reality is that there's not supposed to be a Misery Olympics, and even if there was, that would be one medal that no one in their right mind would want to bring home. Acknowledging the inherent dysfunction in your childhood memories is a really scary thing, especially when you feel like you don't "deserve" to be upset over your trauma. But take it from me, you can only stuff it down and bottle it up for so long before it'll explode. Processing the trauma is hard but necessary work, even if the form your abuse took doesn't tick an obvious box with neat boundaries.

[Beany Boo]

Oak,

Good evening

My memories of childhood, the 'image' is of a happy childhood, but the feeling attached to the image is of life-threatening dread. Part of that feeling is for the abuse-events edited out to create that idealised image. But it is also dread, because the image was created to protect my parents from the reality of what was happening to me. I protected these people from what I was subjected to, because I relied on them for my survival, and if they knew the truth, they might leave me by the side of the road, for shaming them. That's how a child thinks.

When you tell people as an adult and they don't believe you it is for a very good reason. The adult reaction is "if you were really abused, then you would have retaliated." Since you didn't they thinks it's not true. They also don't want to be seen in a light where they might have been complicit in exposing a child to danger and done nothing. Denial.

Love and hugs to you