Smell this. Sex abuse?

[NotMeNotYou]

Often on the podcast, a guest or survey writer will describe something that is clearly abuse and say 'not sure it counts as abuse'. Many times I've heard this and yelled at my ipad 'Of course that's abuse!' I like to think at the age of 48 I've let fall the scales from my eyes, and I see things clearly.

Some episode mentioned a parent exposing themselves to their child, and I suddenly thought 'Well, I saw my Dad's penis as a child. Several times.' The horizon line in my brain shifted, and unconnected pieces suddenly shifted and locked into place. I remember him coming into the bathroom while I was peeing, and him whipping it out and relieving himself. He didn't touch me with his penis, and never touched mine. I always thought that was just common. Plus we only had one bathroom. Listening to the podcast now I begin if that is just another scale I need to let fall.

I remember Dad tickling my brother and I, and us not liking it all. In fact we would yell at him to stop. Once I recall Dad complaining to Mom, 'The kids don't like it when I come near them!' I don't recall what Mom said. But I have clear memories of not wanting physical contact with him. I craved hugs from my Mom, but not Dad. As I grew older, we never really got along, and after moving out I rarely visited. At one point I didn't come for 12 years.

Then I think about my brother. He's now 52 and I'm 48. He always said he wanted a family, but if he ever had a girlfriend he never told me. My relationships have been few and brief. Neither of us are married or have children. I've never wanted children, but my brother does. It's hard not to wonder why that has never happened.

Will I confront my Dad with this? We buried him in December of 2013, and I never asked him about it. My Mom's dementia was already bad the last few months of Dad's life, but she suddenly became very hostile to him. It was sad to see, as it broke his heart. She said odd, confusing things to my brother about the early days of their marriage, but it seemed like she thought he had done something terrible.

So did abuse take place? The preceding paragraphs probably make it sound like that, but I wrote it that way, didn't I? Except for the incident I'm describing he never did anything abusive or antisocial. He was a bit prudish in his speech and mannerism. Never discussed sex, although when we got cable TV, he clearly didn't care if his kids saw anything inappropriate or not. He watched what he wanted, and if the movie had sex and violence, he never told us not to watch it.

I don't know what that all adds up to. Perhaps nothing. But it feels like some trauma is there, something no one will admit to. Dad was 82 when he died, so most of the relatives are over 70. I don't plan to mention this to anyone in the family, it would only upset people. But I sort of want to resolve it in my own mind. The podcast certainly opened my eyes to the fact abuse takes many forms.

[oak]

Thanks for sharing. What you describe is a tough situation.

What is a good outcome for this situation. Or, more appropriately, what is the least-bad outcome? Can this situation be healed? If so, how?

[NotMeNotYou]

Good question. I don't know exactly what would be the best outcome. I don't see how there would be an outcome. Whatever he did or didn't do, he's dead now. I think my only option is accept the ambiguity.

[oak]

Hmmm. Okay, I see.

Here is my advice, poor as it is. Feel free to take or leave it

There is no way for a direct, physical communication anymore, because of the death.

You may want to try some cheesy classic things like writing a letter and then burning it.

Or perhaps tell a trusted friend or professional all your darkest thoughts about the situation. Much like the people in 12 step programs you can write it all out over several days, then meet with your friend, and get it all out.

I wish I could offer better suggestions, instead of cheesy tropes.

They say we are only as sick as our secrets, so I declare you to be a little less sick because you posted.