Its Gone Toxic

[Cider]

Hey,
Ive been under someones thumb for the last two years, engaged with an incredibly smart, attractive, manipulative, violent, and unstable woman. I am trying to get out.

But she keeps calling and I keep caving, and its like a little piece of me dies every time because I know she's just using me for sex and as a punching bag until she finds someone else to latch on to. Things started good, we were terribly in love. We were also both married to different people then. We fell into it too fast, I feel like I was just pulled along with a river that runs 100mph where my own pace is more like 30. Before I knew it I am in her house, no time for family or friends anymore. She had this remarkable way of making the world fade away, I'm so racked with guilt and pain from a life of abuse that such simple focus was like an addiction. All the red flags were there, a chronic major depressive with an anxiety disorder crashes into a beautiful narcissist with a mood disorder. We were both the kind of people others would say, "You're the smartest person I've ever met."

I'm usually so detached emotionally that I'm very easy to get along with, I dont really have expectations or goals, I am not going anywhere special. I got steamrolled by a woman on a mission. She got violent a few times over nothing, little things and bad timing. I just accepted it, her bratty attitude and elephant size labido seemed to balance out. Sex all the time... Everywhere. Even if I'd turn her down if she didnt get mad and fly off the handle about the next tiniest thing that went wrong, I'd wake up getting fucked again. Guilt and shame aside the first time she tried to stab me for refusing to call in to work because she didnt feel good barely registered, I was too locked down. Too tired of fighting and fucking, now it seems like she kept me tired on purpose. A month after that she tried to strangle me while i was asleep then tried to play it off like she was just trying to be kinky, to make me happy.

Every time I look at her I remember the way she looked at me. Just pure, unadultered hate. But I kept coming home day after day.
Walking on eggshells for months on end I feel like I was the house robot, I paid most of the bills because her money up and disappeared(she is a nurse and wasnt hurting for cash) I did all the cleaning, I kept the house to her impossible standards and felt like a slob every time I failed to use a coaster. I couldnt bear the thought of her turning on herself, I realized now how often she would hold herself hostage to keep me in control. She would throw herself against walls and doors, beat herself with hangers, masturbate in the open so violently and painfully I didn't know how to react. I am not into that stuff.

She had a pill for everything, She was liberal with them. Id forget where I was or what I was doing but nothing hurt. Im always on the run from depressive episodes so I'd let myself get strung along knowing any given day I'd wake up at the end of emotional shit creek. and when i did she was the most adoring caring and affectionate person I have ever been with. When you fall into a major depression 6-8 months of the year that trait is enough to kill for, enough to try and ignore all the rest of the fucked up shit.

I have never talked about her to anybody. she wouldnt let me, a ghost in her bedroom is what it feels like. so pardon me if this is written a bit out of sequence. Im usually very quiet and very reserved about my feelings.

Anyways about a month ago I pulled the plug, i had to call the cops because she was spinning out of control and after getting her to stop hurting herself in an attempted suicide. I became the target. She wound up in jail for a week for trespassing because after the cops told me to leave for the night she kept following after me. I have never been so hurt as to have needed to call the police in despiration because my girl kept hurting herself, and when they got there she started screaming like she was insane and saying i beat the shit out of her.

She went to jail and I ran away. She got out of jail and I swore up and down I wouldnt be that stupid to go back.... well, im stupid. its hard to describe when someone can just bend you up in every perfect way to where what you think and feel and want just mean nothing. I got sucked back in again.She went to work breaking my boundries down again, changing rules. again. I was losing it, I left after a month. and I mean i left left... like she went out and I disappeared... over the next two weeks (the end of which is now) she'd lure me back to get some thing or another.. I finally got my dog back yesterday. everything she let go came at a price, i feel so fucked up and so over-used. like i am a torn up rag nobody is ever going to want. i feel pathetic, ashamed, and like ive been prostituted just so i could have my mementos and my dog back... every time i see her it comes at a price. I feel like other men would gawk and laugh at me that this girl is ravenously sexual towards me but it is one sided. i dont want this. I get it, she could be a supermodel or something if she wanted but she hones her physic to get what she wants. I can hear my brother's voice(who abused me as a child) ."You'd have to be a faggot to turn that ass down."

shes been removed from 2 of my relatives properties for poking around after me. she was banned from where i work for similar reasons. i see her car turn around and drive by slowly once or twice a day where i live. I know its her, I can fucking see her from the window. she could get any man she wanted. I am not a "looker" im no adonis by any means, id say im on the low bar side of below average for looks.

i went to her house again yesterday because i had some mail (god damnit government paperwork keep up on the address changes)... i cant say no to this woman face to face, more often than not im just scared of her... get fucked again... "every" mans sexual fantasy at my beck and call and it all feels like pure poison. every time ive cut contact before she somehow gets my number again. or finds me at places i like and just shuts me down and walks me back to her car by the hand for another go..... i cant seem to get away and i feel like if i cant, this girl is going to kill me.

[connellycs]

I'm brand new here and it looks like no one responded to your post and it was several months ago - BUT - if you are still in this relationship you need to RUN! I just got out of an abusive relationship - different than yours but I recognize your desperation. Like you I kept going back and going back and felt totally helpless. As Dan Savage would say, "Dump The MotherFucker Already!" DTMFA! She sounds batshit crazy and dangerous! Take care.