I just need to scream this into the void

[ihmaiwtd]

I just feel so fucking trapped inside my skull right now and I need to get this off my chest. Forgive me if this becomes a rambling, disjointed mess. It will be the first time I have put this into words since it happened.
When I was about 12 years old I had sex with a family member. He would have been about 18 then. I know your gut reaction will be to condemn him but the truth is I think he is as much a victim of this situation as I am. I know him very well, and he is not a monster. He has struggled with severe depression following this incident and seems to be doing all he can to make this up to me. That is my impression at least, we have never talked about it and will likely take this with us to our graves. I am 100% certain there were no sexual feelings involved at all - it just... kind of happened. It started off as a kind of dare and neither of us backed down (god I feel so fucking dumb typing this. I destroyed my whole life because of some momentary peer pressure). I realize this sounds insane, and it is. The best explanation I can give is that we sort of hypnotized ourselves into doing this. I don't really want to go into any more detail than that, because I fucking hate myself enough as it is. I remember very clearly making a joke about it afterward and him just being shell-shocked. I was too young to appreciate the gravity of what had happened, I think. When it finally hit me a little later I turned into what I am today: a depressive, self-loathing junkie mess. I go to work (how I managed to hold myself together enough to get a degree and decent job, I still don't know), get home and start doing drugs just so I can get some temporary relief from being me. Big surprise - that only makes my life worse. I have achieved nothing of the things that I once dreamed of. Truth be told, I'm not even sure I even want those things anymore. I just feel empty and diseased and alone. I desperately want to connect, but that seems impossible. When I start to feel attraction towards a girl I am overcome with self-loathing. I shouldn't tarnish another person's life with my presence. Even here I feel like a freak, since I am partially to blame for what happened. I am trapped inside a memory and it feels like quicksand. I know I could have something to offer the world, if I managed to just accept that it happened and move on. But I have been trying to do that for the last 18 years, and it isn't working. I fantasize about suicide daily now. The only thing that is truly holding me back is the fact that I don't want to put my father through that. Weirdly, I have no such reservations when it comes to the rest of my family. That is selfish, I know. But it's getting hard to think of reasons to fight. I don't know what is going to happen to me when my dad is not around anymore. I need to get help, but the thought of talking about this out loud mortifies me. I just want to not feel like a fucking human stain for one day.

[bigeekgirl]

Welcome. You are not alone. It is not necessary to condemn your abuser to acknowledge your pain and begin to heal. You deserve love and compassion, especially from yourself. One step at a time, to put yourself on a path to feeling worthy.

[brownblob]

Hi ihmaiwtd,
No judging here. I know all about self hatred and what it's like to live with suicidal thoughts. We all have our own reasons, but it makes for a miserable life.
It sounds like what you went through with your relative was a traumatic event for both of you. I know you feel shame about this, but you were only 12. You were a child that didn't comprehend what was going on. You say you are trapped in your head. I know talking about this is mortifying, but it may be the only way out of your head. I would suggest a support group or therapist, but I'd be a hypocrite, because I don't do either. Still, I hope that you'll reach out for help at some point. I hate to see anyone in the kind of pain that you are in.

[MissPi314]

What you feel is valid. Help is out there and I guarantee someone else has been through a similar enough situation that you can talk about it and both feel less alone.
You deserve to live a life that includes happiness and joy and the ability to follow your dreams.
Please don't give up. You are a worthwhile person.

Also, great job just putting these words down and sending them into the universe. That's a really scary step to take and you did it.