remembering a repressed experience

[dogsdogsdogs]

hi
With all that's going on lately in the news with the Kavanaugh/Ford trial, it's caused a memory from years ago to resurface in my head that I must have been ignoring for so long.
In high school I was seeing this guy and I had never done anything more than kissing. We were making out in my basement and he was on top of me when he put his hand down my underwear and proceeded to do what one does. (i really hate the word fingered) I don't remember him asking me if it was alright but once he started I immediately knew I didn't want it and froze. I kind of spaced out while it was happening and tried to distract myself with what was on tv until it was over. I pretty much laid there like a corpse. He finished and left for a moment, and I felt instant shame. When he came back he sat next to me and took his penis out and made me hold it (he was trying to get me to do more but I wouldn't). I know now that this was a case in which he did not get enthusiastic consent from me to do this. But I'm still struggling to give this encounter a label.

Up until now I believed I was lucky in that I had never been sexually assaulted. And I don't even know if this is assault???? Is it?
I feel this need for my feelings to be validated and not feel like I'm overreacting. I feel like I'm stuck in this grey area and I just want it to be black and white.
It feels like my whole world is spinning. I'm so nervous to tell my therapist about this later this week, but I know I have to.
As I recount the years after this happened I notice that there was zero effort after this event to make any sort of romantic connection with anyone, to this day I've never been in a real relationship and I'm 24. I wonder if this had something to do with that. I guess that's something I'll work through in therapy.

I don't know what the point of this post was. I guess just to get this out into the void. And maybe get some support in return. I don't know

[manuel_moe_g]

This was assault. You are not overreacting. Please take care. I am glad to read that you will be processing this with a therapist.

[rivergirl]

Hi dogs,

You're so not alone in having a reaction to the current news. I've already spent quite a bit of time processing my history of abuse with a therapist, and I still find myself experiencing a sense of dread and grief this past week.

Your feelings about what happened to you are important and valid. The effect your experience had on you is what matters, not how the experience compares to someone else's experience of abuse.

You have my support.

Hugs,

rivergirl