Bullying. TW: violence, threats of the same.

[oak]

Edit: Mods, feel free to take this down for any reason, including describing violence. I'll understand!

Hi friends. I have a thread about improving myself physically, and a big part of that is martial arts. Which is great!

This controlled, disciplined, and even loving form of violence-prevention and mitigation has dredged up memories of the bullying I experienced as a child. (Someday I'll post about the workplace bullying I've experienced, which spoiler: has even worse karma outcomes.) Since my current martial arts is pure and happy and loving, I want to get all these ugly, warped memories out here.

While I'll try to brief, and stick to the facts, I will speak plainly, including about threatened and actual violence. If violence is not your thing, please avoid the rest of this thread.

1. My experiences of being bullied, response today: once bit twice shy.
2. Making amends for when I bullied.
3. They're very brave around children age 6-12.
4. Also brave to a stuttering child.
5. Ending with a happy story: bullies assault my nephew one time too many

1. My experience being bullied, and the results today

1980/90s:I was assaulted at least three times, in school, between the ages of 8 to 14.

Present day: Scrolling through social media, I see my bully and I have a mutual friend.

Like anyone who has experienced assault via bullying, or the loving discipline of martial arts, I intimately know how much hurt any violent punch/kick/grab/choke creates. I will always avoid any threatened violence.

That said, my bully is out in the world, and unrepentant. I have actual proof he is willing, and has, assaulted me. He is fully ready to do it.

Back then, in full view of the teacher, he would grab me by the shirt and shake me, threatening.

I am happy, though chilled, to report that were that happen again today (again, I'd do everything I could to avoid it) I indeed have a plan. Like my nephew below, he should not assume I am a sucker.

So what?

I admit I am motivated to practice my martial arts knowing that my bully is still out there. There is real evil in the world.

I suppose I can forgive my bullies, but I'll never forget. If "forgetting" means being a victim again, they are wrong.

2. In which I attempt to make amends for bullying.

Soon after getting sober in 2008, I reached out via letter (yes, that was a thing then!) and early Fakebook to two people I had bullied. I can hardly remember their responses, but my conscience is clear that I did my best to make amends. I certainly won't seek them out any more. However, if anyone reached out to me, with credible evidence I bullied them, I'd be glad to meet them in person to apologize to their face.

3 and 4: Suddenly not so brave

In a more general sense, I am astonished at how brave people were in assaulting and mocking me from ages 6-14. Now that I am 44, they suddenly don't have anything to say about my stutter. They are curiously avoidant in grabbing or punching me. Hmmmm.

This includes Mel Blanc, the voice of Porky Pig. Were he alive today I'd encourage/demand him to mock my stutter to my face. If he is such a hero behind a microphone, surely he can look me in the eye and mock my stuttering, since he so obviously a brave and tough person.

5. How the turntables: my nephew learns some skills

(You can see where this is headed!)

One of my nephews is a smart, industrious person. Doing fine, now, in his 20s, he is a success. He has never bothered anyone, and has many excellent qualities. He is probably on the autism spectrum (or something similar), but I never seen this cause him to bother anyone.

When he was about 12, his fellow students, quite the idiots and evil, saw him as a easy mark to bully.

TW: violence right ahead

For a year or two they would choke him from behind, saying they were going to kill him. This was going on and on: threats, grabbing, strangling.

Unsurprisingly, the school did nothing when his parents brought this to the authorities attention.

On the first day of school, some punk thought he could demonstrate his toughness by grabbing my poor nephew from behind, and choking him. The bully was laughing and boasting.

But not for long.

Unbeknownst to the bully, until a moment later and when it became very clear indeed, something had changed over the summer.

My sibling enrolled my poor nephew in a local teen-based MMA studio. It featured a mix of karate, MMA, and muscular Christianity. My nephew studied and practiced diligently.

My poor nephew, who was suddenly not so poor anymore, did some sort of wrist lock, and then armbar. He said to the heretofore, erstwhile, now-ostensible bully: "I'm going to let you go, but this ends now. Tell your friends I'm off limits."

The bullying of course ended right then, and my nephew is living a successful congruent life. Unfortunately, he reports with no delight, his once-bullies have most failed in life, failed quite badly.

Once should really consider if it is worth it to assault someone.

[Beany Boo]

Yeah...

The big thing for me is someone putting their hands on you in a way that leaves you profoundly indignant.

Martial arts is a good means to regain your sanctity. To get to a place again where you can withhold consent and be able to say, “you can’t touch me without my permission.”

I guess work with the martial arts is putting all that back in order and that’s why it’s stirring stuff up too.

Be kind to you and also stay with it.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Beany Boo, what a great insight on martial arts, bodily autonomy and the revisiting of trauma.

Oak, I'm sorry so many adults let you down. It wasn't right. I think to this day we have a problem with leaving adults who've never processed their bullying in charge of children. I think they are still subconsciously siding with the bully to stay safe. When I was bullied last year at work and went to the workplace counselors they recommended I sit down with the bully and tell them how much they hurt me. Are you kidding me? I said no way that would only make them cackle with delight and went to my own therapist for advice. I learned to challenge every bullying statement they made and they finally backed down. There are instances where someone has hurt you unintentionally or thoughtlessly but that's not the same as someone who is a serial bullyer that gets their power from it.

I applaud you in acknowledging your own bullying behaviour. That takes great courage.

Along with Mel, can we please condemn to hell the people that thought it would be funny to have a stutterer in A fish called Wanda? Not cool.