Dealing with the Past thanks to the Podcast

[IceLupus]

I wrote to Mr. Gilmartin thanking him for this wonderful Podcast and how it made me realize I am not alone. He suggested I post my story here in hopes that other's might understand and give me input.

So here goes. I am a 37 year old male. I consider myself Heterosexual. When I was younger, around 5 or so, I had a very traumatic experience. I squashed and hid that experience from even myself until I was 18. I was raped and violated several times over a year long period by my father and his "friends". I cannot accurately tell how many male friends there were I only remember one clearly. I was ashamed, i suppose, and that's why I hid the fact I was victimized. I never told anyone about it. My father was thrown out of the house when I was around 6 and a half. My mother had gotten fed up with his never being home, he was a truck driver, and that he never provided for the family. Early on our family moved in with my maternal grandmother due to my father never having money.
So my father being gone was a relief to me. Though it hurt at the same time. When I was 7 I had to undergo many surgeries to fix a problem with my hip and knee joints. I was diagnosed with Degenerative Muscular Atrophy. I spent the better part of a year in a body cast, and never once saw my father during that time. My sister, older by almost 2 years, blamed me for the divorce. She would tell me that it was because I was weak and sick that "her" father left us. She never said our, it was always "her" as if I didn't matter.
Living with my mother, grandmother, and sister, with no male influence wasn't too bad. But, hearing my grandmother tell me on a daily basis, sometimes more than once a day. "You are just like your father." began to wear heavily on my mind. I became withdrawn and was prone to verbally violent outbursts. My mother wasn't around all that often, she was a 911 dispatcher and that is a very stressful job, but she did try and make time when she can. Love in the house was normally shown by food. I think that was always the way since our family is rather heavy.
I promised I would be honest in this so here are two side notes of things that still bother me before i hit 18. When I was 8 I was with my older cousin and showed him how to perform oral sex on a man and offered to show him. Note that that side of the family didn't talk to us for a long time because I was a "Deviant". My mother thought I had learned from a porno or something one of the kids in the neighborhood had shown me or something. Then when I was around 12 my cousin, different one a 3 year old girl, was under my grandmother's care during the days so my uncle and aunt could work. My grandmother lavished the girl with praise where I had gotten scorn and hatred. I am not sure why I can remember so vividly that part of it. I did something to the girl I am ashamed of, I was curious about the difference between men and women so I snuck off with her and proceeded to strip her. I wondered over the naked body and couldn't come to grips with why women seemed so foreign and weird to me. Let me state this now, I never violated her or touched her I just looked.
OK, so I continued to be more and more depressed and more and more odd throughout my teens. I had few friends but would go out of my way to make a clown of myself. Being a fat kid had it's share of beatings from other kids. I was and am afraid to bring my strength to bear on anyone. So I took a great deal of abuse and laughed it off. It became more and more a game to see how long it would take to push me to violence. Then when I was 18 and a senior in high school something triggered all the memories of the past. I was stressed out because I was failing several subjects. I couldn't keep focus on anything for more than a few minutes. All my friends had girlfriends and I was alone. I was working two jobs to get enough money to buy a good car. A exchange student in our class, a female from Brazil, had accused me of raping her. I knew the girl and the family she was staying with and she had always seemed friendly. She was seeing a "friend" of mine and we had hung out all together maybe 4 or 5 times. I was shocked and ashamed to be accused. Most of my friends abandoned me and those that didn't still suspected me. It took three weeks of constant ridicule and suspicion to get to the truth. The girl never pressed charges on me which was odd, and the time she said I raped her lined up with a time I was working. Finally she admitted to her friends and the family she was staying with that she lied. It was all to cover that she had snuck out of the house to sleep with my "friend". This sent me into a spiral where all the memories of my past came flooding back.
To this day I fight as hard as I can to never be like my father. I have nightmares and wake up screaming because of it. My relationships have been strained and even my current relationship is difficult for me because I have trouble with certain sexual acts and the fact I am not willing to speak my mind on things I might want. I fear becoming what I loathe most in this world. I do not want to be perceived as a pervert or a sicko.

Well as per the request of Mr. Paul Gilmartin i have joined the forum and given ym story. I don't know what to do about my life, I cannot afford therapy and medications. I know I need something because I still have suicidal thoughts and severe depression. Maybe talking about my life here will help though I doubt it. Thank you to anyone who is willing to read this and not hate me for thing I have done.

-Joe-

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello IceLupus. Welcome to our little forum. I see you are already contributing to the threads! Like your avatar graphic!

I read your whole post, and I honor your pain. You are a person of worth - only injustice and cruelty could have brought these horrors into your life. You are not defined by the horrors you were subjected to.

Below is the forum "copypasta" for low/no cost therapy and medicine and other resources. There is good stuff in the "Maria Bamford" podcast.

Also below are the links for Ronnie Schiller, who is an inspiration to me.

Cheers, IceLupus, and we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

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United States website to find sliding scale "low/no" cost mental health services. Also information on medication assistance: NeedyMeds - Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics U.S. Database

Discussion of low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: Maria Bamford podcast, Episode 95, Jan 04 2013 at minute 6:00.

If you think you might need this resource, then you definitely need this resource - please check out the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network - RAINN at RAINN.org

Google searches for low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: your town or county + one of these terms:

• low cost counselling service
• sliding scale counselling service
• CMHC
• community mental health
• community service board office

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines

Here is a post and thread on Reddit about getting medication at low or no cost: Community Assistance Program, accepted at Target pharmacy and many other pharmacies

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The great Ronnie Schiller Johnson! Rough sketch of her life challenges and survival and human flourishing: Raped by step-father, with a massively unfair family justice outcome, and the triumph of an outstanding human being and author. Everything about her is awesome!

• MentalPod episode 45
• Ronnie's poignant memoir of her tragic youth: Mother's House Payment - a fantastic bargain on Kindle! Very well reviewed!
• Ronnie's author website

[IceLupus]

manuel_moe_g thanks for the resources. Problem is with me that I normally make just a few dollars more than most of the people that can get to the clinic near me. Thus I am turned away. I don't make enough to see a 150$ hr therapist either. Oh well I will give it a shot. The supposed online therapists are pricey too and the chat based groups are always empty. I thought perhaps going into a group therapy chat room would help but it's not easy being a group of one. I do thank you greatly for the information though.

[manuel_moe_g]

Lying is always an option, when it comes to income.

A group of two starts with a group of one - with one patient guy sitting alone in a room. A group of three starts with a group of two. A group of four...

Please take care, cheers to you!

[Cheldoll]

Hey Joe,

Thanks for sharing your story. I know it must've been really hard to put all that out there for anyone to read. You are not like your father. You've just been abused and need to recover. Anyone who would even consider hating you for mistakes you've made in the past can go fuck themselves.

I encourage you to seek some sort of help with the resources Manny linked. It's a pain in the ass to find help with mental health in this country, but it's SO worth it.

[IceLupus]

Chedoll,
Damn right it's hard to find help here. I have to laugh at that since I spent the better part of the week contacting various Psychologists and Therapists. On average it is 150-250 dollars for a hour session. I have recently opened up to two close friends about what happened to me and have as yet heard a response. I emailed them what I posted and know they are busy. So I am awaiting to find if I lost two more friends or not.

I thank you and everyone here who has been so kind. Especially Paul Gilmartin, whom without him I would still be overly depressed and probably thinking no one knows me. I am glad I heard him on the Nerdist and happier still that there are people out there that know what I am going through.

-Joe-

[IceLupus]

Update to life since finding this podcast and my last post. I am glad I can feel like I am not alone anymore. That other's know how I might feel inside. I unfortunately took a rather nasty fall recently and gave myself a concussion. However, I guess the knock to my skull loosened up a bunch of repressed memories. I reached out and actually spoke to my mother about them. In confiding in her the past and what my "father" had done and his "friends". She didn't know at the time and we had spoken about it once or twice but I know it made her uncomfortable. She told me she felt sad that it happened and that she didn't know and wished she had been able to stop it.
I asked her some questions about the one man I remembered most vividly. She took a while to answer but said yes she had met him and knew who he was. She also informed me that he was arrested when I was 13 years old for child pornography. He was a minor political figure in a town near where I had grown up. I asked what happened to the man and she said he died several years back. This did not give me closure at all. I am not sure why I feel like I wanted to confront the man. What would I do he would be in his 70's and me beating the living hell out of an obviously disturbed octogenarian would serve no purpose other than to vent my rage at being molested.
I also thanked my mother for doing the best she could when I was young. I realize now she had a hard life as well. She told me that she was always worried someday I would do something crazy because of her divorcing, like finding my "father" and hurting him to the point I would be arrested and jailed. She told me I had grown up to be a good man and a decent person. She also said something that I have heard her say all my life "You are no better or worse than the next man. Everyone has the capacity for good and bad it's what YOU choose to do that sets your path". And for the first time in nearly two decades I told my mother that I loved her. Due to my previous issues I had never been comfortable around family. I felt betrayed and cast aside. But now I realize my mother loves me and would have stopped the abuse had she been able too. Sometimes it takes a bit of a knock to the head, not that I recommend concussions, to make a person realize that we are all human, we make mistakes, and have regrets.

In closing this update I want to thank Mr. Gilmartin for this forum and the Podcast. It has been a beacon of light in my recently dark days. I get a bit of a happy feeling when I see a new podcast has been posted.