My childhood sexual abuse

[these_are_kolaches]

I'm rather confused about stuff that happened in my childhood. I'm 40 (male) and my uncle is 43. We pretty much grew up together from when I was a baby until I was 12 or so. We played matchbox cars, went on family trips together and so on. He was the brother I didn't have.

I have vivid memories of us "meddling" with each other around the time that I was 8 or 9. I remember us being naked or half clothed and doing stuff to each other, but what I don't remember is there being any threat of "don't tell that we did this or we'll get in trouble" - I also don't remember his advances feeling threatening or bad in any way really. Part of me wants to believe that we were just experimenting with each other but the other part of me tells myself, almost daily, that those things wouldn't have happened if he had not initiated them. These events happened in either his bedroom closet or mine, to the best of my memory. I do remember knowing that this was something my parents or his would not approve of, that's why it's secret, but I don't remember him telling me this.

Around the time that I graduated high school and left home for the military my uncle pretty much imploded. He was completely disassociated from the family for at least 9 years - called and cursed out his own sisters, thought everyone was out to get him, etc. Drug and alcohol abuse, etc. He has lived with serious toxic shame and social anxiety his whole adult life. He has reestablished contact with the family, shed most if not all of the shame and anxiety, and has a male "friend" - he hasn't come out as gay, but it's apparent. I, on the other hand, finished the military, got married, had kids of my own and have lived a somewhat happy and productive life, other than fighting the demons in my head.

So the thing I mill over in my head just about every day is - were we just curious children? Was it a "show me yours and I'll show you mine" kind of thing, or did he initiate the sexual contact knowing that it was abusive, and that he could take advantage of me being a bit younger than him and being that I looked up to him? I guess I basically don't know whether to feel abused or not. When I tell myself to 'lighten up, nothing bad happened to you, worse has definitely happened to others' I feel like he won, and I'll still keep my 40 year old self quiet.

When I tell myself 'he's a bastard for touching me like that, and making me touch him too' I want to call him out publicly for hurting me, at least psychologically, and causing me to hate and question myself for years to come. But I love him enough as my uncle and near-brother to not do that to him, especially since he just made his way out of his shell of shame and anxiety well enough to function in the world. Either way, I feel like I lose because either way I don't get to address the feelings I have about that time in my youth.

Also, I had pretty bad bed wetting and underwear soiling problems when I was young, and wonder if those problems stem from being fearful or confused about that part of my body.