Help: BPDers I need Help

[Imissmysun]

My step son has obvious fundamental personality disorders - however he is too young for diagnosis - I wouldlike to know what helped you all as children? What would have helped that you did not have? What other things I can try to help regulate him - his anger is really volatile and scary for the other children and sudden - it has no seeming triggers or times of day he just goes - I also spend a lot more time with his issues and that places the other kids in 'being ignored land' which isnt fair to them and they deserve as much attention - I am looking for new strategies from a perspective of someone who can now articulate their needs in a way a child can't as he really does not know what he wants a lot of the time - Thank you for all of your help

[Beany Boo]

Example:

A toddler is in the supermarket with his mother. He sees some candy on the supermarket shelf. Without being able to control the urge, all he now wants is candy. He goes for the candy. His mother, who feeds him, tells him he can't and why. This is what the mother hears herself say at this point, "I can't give you candy now." This is what the child hears the mother saying, "I can't be your mother anymore." It might continue in the child's head something like, "You need to find another grown up who will be your mother now, and you need to do it now; here in the supermarket." The child will fight for the candy now to force his mother back into her role, because now his survival depends on it.

The inappropriate anger spike is a survival response. To? Something simple that has no business triggering a survival response. It could be anything; everyone looking at him at the same time; someone asking him a question while he is eating; someone using his name; something that never happens and is supposed to, but about 5 minutes ago and he doesn't know it's absence terrifies him; and clearly no one else is terrified, so time to fight everything.

At that point you can't help, only contain. If you try to help you just feed you helping into the pattern of whatever it is. He has to come out of it himself. The most you could do, is be aware he is suddenly, and literally trying to survive - to not die - so he can see another moment. If you must help keep that in mind, and stand behind him in his fight.

Maybe the best you can do as a group, as a family, is agree to talk matter of factly about it when it is happening, like it was any other medical emergency. And maybe agree that you'll all still be there for him when he 'comes back'.

And then therapy.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you for the insight beanie that seems really true because he seems almost irrationally bent on getting whatever it is that triggered him and his anger escalates into awful awful things he has threatened self harm and harming siblings animals and myself and will hit punch kick me when he is in the middle of it. It's incredibly hard to deal with. But I will keep your words in mind.

[oak]

Hey!

Thanks for posting.

While I cannot offer any specific advice, may I offer some sincere advice/encouragement?

It is a bit trite, but I offer it sincerely:

Love him.

I am not a parent myself, so I can't say specifically how to love him.

Some situations only love is the answer.

[Beany Boo]

Sincere apologies,

I was giving insight into my experience of personality disorder but that wasn’t what you were asking.

You, yourself might need to get advice from a specialist in personality disorders. Simply so you can see the cues and can protect yourself in time, and others, from him. And know also, if and when you can't help.

[Imissmysun]

He pushes away so hard and then craves hugs I have to continually remember he is a child a very hurt child who will keep trying to prove I'm just like all the other mother figures in his life that left him. But I am stubborn.

[Beany Boo]

I respectfully withdraw my post.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I'm coming to understand that I probably had BPD from a very early age, even though I've still not been formally diagnosed as such. It just seems to fit a lot of my behavior patterns. So this is based on what I recall of my childhood (which isn't much, I suspect because stress-related dissociation is a symptom of BPD). You don't say how old your stepson is. My own behavior problems began when I changed schools in 3rd grade (at least such that my parents sought help), so I don't know how much of my experience will be relevant.

It seems like you've got a gaggle of kids. That puts you in an extra hard spot, because your stepson's needs really are outsized, but it's not really fair to expect the other kids to just "suck it up" and deal with getting less of your time and attention. That had a really damaging effect in my own family that I think we're still trying to work through. Maybe there's an outside resource that you can get access to (counselor, therapist, support group) that can make up the difference between what your stepson needs and what you should realistically provide.

There were two things that always set me off like a firecracker:

• frustration that the world wasn't operating according to the way I thought it should
• things that made me feel like I didn't fit in or wasn't "normal"

I'm not sure how to handle the first one. From my current perspective, I feel like somehow reassuring him that he will still be okay even though the world can be surprising and scary might help. I'm not sure how you might do that, but I think it might have helped me. I've been reading a lot lately about mindfulness for BPD and though I haven't gotten to the part where I learn useful tools, I know that I'm a lot better when I'm meditating regularly. Kids can definitely learn how to meditate, so that might be a good thing to look at. Get him to be more aware of how his body feels when his emotions are getting out of control and ways to head off major explosions.

The second one was the hardest for me though, I think, mostly because I wasn't "normal"—I was "gifted" (with heavy sarcastic emphasis on the scare quotes). I mean, sure when I was in 2nd grade, they would plunk me down in class with a bunch of 8th grade reading books to keep me quiet and occupied, but still. I'd have traded that for fitting in any day.

Unfortunately, the two things tend to work against each other. When his emotions start to get the best of him, he's automatically setting himself apart, which leads to the feelings that come from "not being normal." It's a feedback loop that can be extremely hard to stop once it's started. And I've never found that anyone else can get me out of it once it's started.

Something that I've been trying to implement as an adult is the idea of freaking out within limits. Something like "I'm overloaded and I need to freak out for 30 minutes" or something like that. Maybe that will help?

Keep us posted. It will be good to hear how you go.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you so much howdid! This is super helpful... i have done guided meditations with all the kids they all love it but he also asks for it sometimes. He is 12 and a couple of months away from 13. He just grew taller than me. He has had these issues as long as I have been a part of the picture (almost 5 years) and it seems that these behaviors have been with him for his whole young life it's been a struggle for him for a long time.

Your insight is so awesome because those are things he repeats why can't this thing I thought would happen, happen or the loneliness and realization of not having friends. He has made no close friendships at school. Because of some of his outbursts at school the other kids kind of give hime space. He does not know how to make close friendships because as you said the world needs to follow his rules.

I will start keeping better track of when he seems to get triggered and what the core reason his.

Thank you so very much i mean this so very sincerely.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I'm really glad it resonates with you. Makes it a little easier to keep fighting the good fight.