I want to preface this by saying that I empathize with them when it comes to mental health struggles. I know it's not their fault, that they can't control their reactions. I try to keep this in mind when engaging with them during bad a episode. I genuinely believe that my boss is a good person and really, honestly can't regulate her emotions. I'm 85% sure my Mom is a good person... ask me again in three days.
BUT:
they are driving me up the goddamn wall.
Mom and I have a different boatload of issues; the boss is another story. Different relationship, different boundaries in which to work. This is one of those really good jobs that you like a lot most of the time except when there's a Rage!Fest going on.
When I am around her it's like I have no emotional shield. My emotional shield is a colander. I grew up in an emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive household, with BPD!Mom being 100% the abuser. So my reactions to my boss are knee-jerk. When someone raises their voice, gets snippy, rude, short, exasperated, angry, I immediately go into fight/freeze mode (there was no flight in my house
). I learned to tune into other people's emotions so finely that I can gauge her mood just by the way she shuts the door coming in. I am in my late 30s and I still assume that at some point I am going to get smacked around. So I go into people pleaser mode to make things better so I won't get hit (or sarcastic asshole mode, if I'm so inclined, which makes EVERYTHING worse.). Rinse, repeat, etc. etc. We go together sometimes like a dysfunctional PBJ.But the problem is that my boss is also a perfectionist and gets obsessed with the smallest details; things have to be exactly the way she wants or she redoes the work. And yells at you for not reading her mind in the first place. Which is what happened over the past month: She's left projects and tasks to the very last second, then gets epically pissed that we didn't the foundation work exactly like she wants. Except there is no right or wrong way. It's always wrong. She will always go with the opposite option.
Yesterday, she left a newsletter editing project to the razors edge of deadline. Didn't really get it finished, though she had the draft in hand for two days. She blamed me for her missing deadline because my copy needed "extensive" editing; if by editing you mean add a bunch of stuff that doesn't need to be there. She chose to wait, chose to rewrite that much, chose to go back and re-do my research work. I also got behind on some other work because she told me to switch gears to a different project, then yelled at me for not getting project A done. Funny thing? I've been working for her for almost 10 years and SHE DOES THIS ALL THE TIME. Like well-worn cart tracks on a dirt road, except you just don't know when everything will run smoothly or when there will be a big ass rock in one of the ruts.
Logic says, if you know this will happen just avoid making her mad. Logic does not apply here. And that messes with my head, big time.
The problem I'm having is that this morning I just want to scream "Stop dumping your emotional bullshit in my mental backyard!!" Which is not particularly helpful. I am just so tired of having to be the one to shift, to make the changes and adjustments while I get none. I go home feeling sick, ruminating thoughts, anxiety. I don't want to have to deal with this stuff. No one knows about the abusive childhood and sometimes I wish I could tell them just to explain why I can't walk off this crap, to ask for a little slack. To explain that Hey, I know you don't mean it, but your tone of voice reminds me if home and that's not a good thing, Or give me a little slack; kids from abusive, dysfunctional homes are hella strong survivors. But sometimes we do need understanding.
To all the BPDs here I want to tell you: You are good people. You are loved. You are struggling too and BPD is not easy. You deserve help and support and every chance to find balance in your life. This is 100% not about BPDs in general or you. Giving you a brofist, or a hug, or a supportive thumbs up depending on your personal comfort level.
I'm just struggling hard today.
