BPD triggering eating/sleeping disorder

[red_rose_engineer]

So I am a college student, which means life is high stress. I can't really afford to have anything be wrong with me, but honestly, who can?

A little history first. I have struggled with eating since middle school, frequently being called anorexic due to my fast metabolism making me stick thin, even though I would be constantly eating. I was obsessed with my image so the thyroid medication I was on I refused to take because it would slow it down and I wouldn't be thin anymore. I started gaining weight about 2 years later before high school. When that happened, I began starving myself, even though it exhausted me. I was on the track team and in the musicals and was a very involved top of the class student. I guess I just eventually gave in and ate somewhat regularly. After that episode, I haven't had a good relationship with food. Either I don't eat at all, or I eat everything.

I was diagnosed last summer with BPD, as well as an unspecified eating disorder and PTSD. I was only in therapy for about 4 months or so. I have never been able to go regularly. I had a few weeks in the middle where I really struggled with eating. I refused to eat for days at a time, and then, for the first time ever, made myself purge. It became a game. See how long I could go, and then purge, and go even longer. I knew I needed to eat to survive, but I couldn't allow it. I had to have the control. Looking back, I see I was in a very manipulative environment with an ex-best friend.

Now, I am having issues all over again. I am in a better environment, I love myself and have accepted all my "flaws" and what I bring to the table. I have accepted everything about myself because it makes me "me". But I am having issues eating again. I don't usually ever eat breakfast, then I go to class and stay on campus all day because my major is demanding. I won't spend money on campus because everything is overpriced, so I refuse to let myself eat. I could go home to get food but I am a ten minute walk from campus so it is inconvenient. So I stay on campus until the library closes around 11pm. Once I get home, I then tell myself that if I eat before bed it will just sit inside me while I sleep and its better to just eat in the morning instead, even though I know for sure I won't.

My reason for explaining all this is that I want to know what others have felt and gone through and done to try to get past these hurdles. I'm the only one who has mental health issues in my family, and they are back home two states away while I am in college. I have a close friend who is Bipolar, so she can help some of the time, but with this she won't help because she was bulimic in high school. Any kind words are appreciated.

[bigeekgirl]

It's a tough mix of problems you have, red_rose_engineer. Welcome to the forums. You'll find lots of virtual hugs and kind words here.

I suspect it is going to be difficult to break the cycle of not eating without help as your disease is smart enough to come up with a million reasons why you can't possibly eat. As someone who doesn't have an issue with restricting food, I read your story and thought, "Why don't you just bring snacks to school or even whole meals?" Obviously, this isn't as simple as a peanut butter sandwich and a granola bar in your backpack, or you would already be doing that.

A therapist or a support group might be helpful in getting outside your thinking. I am forever saying these days "If I could fix myself, I'd already be healed."

[Mosesvampslayer]

Hi red rose engineer! I can't say much about eating disorders, but I wonder if your mind uses it as a distraction. You said it can be a control thing as well. I relate to your struggle but in different addictions. I'm not sure if it means anything or is actually related but I find it curious. I can't imagine going through the mood swings and back and forth thinking in relation to eating. I have always been very thin as well and eat a ton. Everyone says how great that is and also they hate you for it and it goes too far and you think there's something wrong with you.
Have you had any progress or help with this yet? Hope you're doing better