In denial

[Ziggy]

I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense, I'm in the middle of a crisis and it's hard to be congruent.

For years I have thought that I have BPD. I'm just about to turn 18 so I'm too young at the moment to be diagnosed, but I've been having symptoms for years. I started self harming (cutting) and starving myself when I was 14, I still do this. I've overdosed more times than I can remember, but I've never made a serious suicide attempt. I overreact when people criticize me, and I can't handle abandonment. I was in a wonderful relationship for almost two years, and I got dumped last summer. It's been nine months and I still haven't gotten over it, I also lost a lot of friends at the same time. Recently someone who I thought was on "my side" started dating my ex. They were my only friend at the time and I still feel so betrayed.

I've been doing well lately, I was travelling with my parents and I haven't been in school, which is part of it. It's easier when I don't see these people on a daily basis. I was having a fantastic day today, but I just got home and accidentally found my ex's blog. I've been reading it compulsively and I know I won't be able to stay away from it. Reading about stuff they've done makes me feel like such a piece of shit. I'm reading other people complimenting them, and I found out they've just recieved a full ride scholarship to university. I'm sitting here shaking, hyperventilating and sobbing. I'm also so upset and ashamed that something this small can set me off this badly, I feel pathetic. There is literally no one I can phone, because they're all sick of my emotional instability and have left me. I'm terrified that because of my fragility I will always be alone.

Is there any chance I don't have BPD? It sounds awful but I'd rather be bi-polar or depressed or have an anxiety disorder, anything else. There is so much stigma. I want to be able to have a personality outside of my mental issues, and this doesn't seem possible. I know I manipulate people and I hate it. I know there's effective treatment but when I'm in crisis I would honestly rather die. I'm sick of the intense mood swings, I'm sick of the self-hatred and fear. Part of me wants to know for sure but part of me is in so much denial. Could I be bi-polar? I've heard the two are often mixed up but my mood swings usually have a cause, however skewed.

Once I move out this fall I'll be able to seek a diagnosis. I'm just so scared of actually being labelled "borderline". I'm sick of these breakdowns. If you have any advice or support I'd be grateful.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are a human, not a diagnosis. Please don't sell yourself short. The correct diagnosis is the one that gets you better in the shortest amount of time. Take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow. Cut yourself some slack, you are going through some painful stuff that would knock anybody down.

[Just Anne]

I was scared for years of getting any kind of mental illness. I have some BPD symptoms coupled with depression, the wild mood swings and the tendency towards self harm. I would recommend getting a diagnoses ASAP. BPD can be a part of a larger problem but once you know what you have its easier to work on. I found talk therapy really helped me, plus medication. I you can't get a diagnoses right away, maybe a support group could be a good stopgap. what helped me was getting into a routine, which is not as easy as it sounds because I just fell off my routine wagon.

I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband when I was getting divorces and the best thing I ever did was block myself from his facebook, blog and phone. Seeing what he was doing was not helping me get over the separation and divorce. I would recommend that. I too lost a lot of friends in the divorce but I made new ones, and the ones who stayed with me, I cherish. As silly as it sounds knitting really helped me. It kept my hands occupied and away from the razors.

I hope these suggestions help a little .

[Cinnamon]

Hi
Do not worry about the "label" of what you have and focus on: what are you feeling, how do you want to feel and how do we get you from here to there, "we" being whatever support you have, be it family, therapist, doctor, pets, hobbies, friends, the forum.

What it sounds like to me is that you are facing a lot of changes and loss and feeling overwhelmed - sounds like a normal reaction to me to feel that way. Be kinder to yourself, you are coping with alot.

If a therapist would help then please do see one, the right one can help you figure out ways to let go, make more conscious decisions on how to handle emotions, etc

[Cornflake Girl]

Hi, Ziggy. Would you give us an update, please? I hope that things are going better, that you've blocked your ex and your ex-friend, and that you're feeling stronger. But I'd feel much better if you'd give us an update, either way. Be safe.

[brave-girl-living]

When my therapist was toying with the idea of a BPD diagnosis for me, I was terrified too. It seemed like it was a DX that screamed "out of control" and that seemed intolerable to me. In the end, I did not have BPD, my treatment team decided I had too much awareness to have the disorder and that I was really just wounded and emotionally intense and still emotionally immature (had never had the chance to learn emotion regulation on my own). From your posts that I have read, you too have a lot of awareness and it is really hard for BPD to become a big thing or problem if you are growing in your intrapersonal awareness and emotional intelligence. Instead of spending you energy on the DX, spend it out DBT skills and learning balance. This way, when you are in a position where someone is ready to DX you, you will not be engaging in BPD type patterns and behaviors. You CAN be bigger than this.

[Ziggy]

Thank you all for your messages and support! I'd be lying if I said I was doing better overall, but at least I'm doing better tonight.

It's not really as simple as just blocking people who trigger me, I still go to school with them so I have to see them on a nearly daily basis anyway. I'm really working on not comparing myself to the people around me, and celebrating things I do even if I'm not with other people. For some reason I equate social "popularity" with worth, so I'm trying to see all my activities as useful and valid, even if I just spend all day alone watching TV shows. I'm also trying to isolate my moods from events, to figure out causation and hopefully understand what the real issues are.

I know the diagnosis doesn't really matter, but it's been something that I'm actively seeking for a long time. The past few years I've been told repeatedly by adults who I trusted that I'm exaggerating, making stuff up for attention, or that I just need to learn to deal with life. I feel the need for a diagnosis (if I can get one) because it would validate my hope that I'm not making it up and my pain is real. Some days, when I'm stable, I find myself questioning the reality of my symptoms and feelings, and that is so confusing and painful. There's always a voice in my head that says "You're lucky, you're fine, your friends are dealing with worse and they don't drink themselves stupid to forget, just stop being such a baby." I think it would help to have a diagnosis to calm that voice (though I know it never really goes away).

Thanks again guys, I hope you're all doing alright xx