Is Your Sexual Identity Hard to Define?

[Jaffa Cakes]

bigeekgirl, I do certainly have that impulse to name, label and define. I understand as you said that there is a real big spectrum of human desire. It's certainly interesting to hear about some of them from the guests on mental pod. I guess my confusion stems in part from all the gay friends I have who are so sure of who they are, and I am not. But your perspective is really helpful, and gives me much to think about. Thanks for your response.

[Mister_Man]

Hello, hopefully this thread is still active enough to help me out. I've been staring at this topic for about 2 hours trying to figure out what I should write. The good and bad thing about writing is that it helps to solidify an idea in your mind (as mentioned in one of the mini-episodes about Low Self Esteem I believe). However my mind tends to just pick up speed and split into different concurrent tracks as I go along. This can make trying to get it all down-and have it make sense-damn near impossible. Please bear with me.

I grew up in the South and have always "known" that sexuality is a very private (read: shameful) thing that should not be discussed by polite adults. Growing up I don't know if I even had heard terms like homosexuality or gender identity. I should emphasize now that I consider myself a hetero-leaning bisexual and cismale just because it's an easy label that people understand. It's a bit more complicated than that.

I am just weeks away from 30, though I've only ever had 2 sexual partners (by which I mean persons I've had intercourse with) both of whom were trans women. The first was a girl I met through an online dating site and we dated for a few years, the second was a girl we had a threesome with. I haven't had sex or a relationship in years now mostly due to depression. I've had maybe 2-3 serious relationships in my life.

I have trouble coming to terms with my sexuality and identity due to depression and low self esteem. I didn't date in JHS because I wasn't allowed to by my parents. I did try however, with a disastrous result (think Carrie levels) that probably continues to affect my ability to trust women. I was also extremely awkward and anxious because I was 6' by age 10 and got mistaken for an adult all the time which made me worried about any interaction with my peers. In HS my mom died suddenly and I just gave up on life all together and didn't have any desire to get close to another human. I dated a girl near the end of HS who I really wasn't attracted to all that much but we never had sex, and I turned her down a lot. I don't know if I was scared of the intimacy, that I didn't want to lead her on (though I was doing it already by dating her), or if it was something else. I honestly don't remember much of my life before college so it's hard to know.

In college I met a really interesting woman and we fooled around a bit but she had some serious issues and it never went anywhere. I probably would have had sex with her if it had gone that far... Eventually I met my former fiance, a very sad and troubled transgirl. She was the perfect kind of crazy for me and our time together was like a drug for both of us. I lost my virginity at 24 and had never thought I could be more in love with someone and was glad I had waited until I found someone I cared deeply for first. Sadly she was an addict (pot, opiates, crack, heroin), a liar, a cheater, and manipulator. After I finally wised up when she refused to quit shooting up and smoking crack and cheating and dumped her, she committed suicide. Later, one of her friends admitted to me that she had, at some point-I didn't ask too many questions, been trying to get me to kill myself. After all of this I broke down and went into a cocoon again. That was 4 years ago.

I have been on a few dates since then but I always flake out before things get too close. If I think I might have to have sex, I'll get out as quickly as I can. I'm not asexual, in fact I think about sex constantly. I dwell too much on it. I make too much of it. I fantasize about sex with women as well as men. However, unless I'm watching porn my brain wanders back to my ex and I imagine her in my mind which seriously upsets me as I find it arousing.

I just started trying to get some therapy to deal with the losses of my mother and ex, but I'm also very lonely and feel the desire to be in an intimate relationship. It's made even worse that I live with a relative and his wife who are about my age and they are just awesome and happy all the time. All of my friends and family in the area that I see are 1) seemingly hetero 2) seemingly happy. I have come out to my family as bi after dating this guy for a while, but it didn't go very far because he was way into me and it freaked me out. The whole thought of looking for someone, dating, etc gets me so anxious because of my lack of experience and the traumatizing nature of that experience that I do have. When I try to think deeply about my sexuality I just hit mental wall after mental wall. I don't have anything to draw on. I avoided everything for so long I'm way to old to "figure it out" at this stage, I feel. Thirty-year-olds don't go about "experimenting" do they? And that's also assuming I have the constitution to go out and do that. I'm so freaking shy and timid these days I can barely maintain eye-contact with a grocery store cashier, so trying to build a deep relationship with someone is probably a bridge too far.

I'm not sure if I have a single question that I can ask, but I just wanted to express myself and see what comes about. Thank you.

[inmymind]

Mister Man,

Great post!

OK, I hope you can now see how damaging it is not to live in the now. For example, it appears you didn't properly mourn the loss of your mother, or your ex gf that committed suicide. That's a double loss. And, the GF was also a double loss in itself. You didn't get to put closure to it, and then she kills herself which brings a whole new set of shit to deal with. I'm glad you are in therapy. Cry, get angry, feel the guild, compromise with yourself, do all of that. Sit in that putrid pile of emotions and smell the stink and sting of it. There is nothing to be afraid of. Don't run from feelings. Feel them. They will pass. Talk about them. When you push them down, the fuck you up worse later on, plus, you weren't living a full, burden free life while you had them bottled up. You mind needs to mentally puke it out. There is something quite different about playing emotions and thoughts over and over in your mind, verses actually hearing yourself talk about them with someone else. Make friends with one or two people so you can have them to talk to. Being in your own mind is not a healthy place for anyone.

As far as experimenting goes, hell yes people experiment in their 30's. They experiment until they die. At each point in your life, you are a new you. As was said, you can never step in the same river twice. Tomorrow you will be slightly different than you are today.

So relax, feel what you feel. Talk about it. Think about what you want to do in life, and don't think of what others will think. Relax more, and have fun. You sound like a good man to me.

InMyMind

[The_Hero_of_Time]

Until I figure out mine, I choose to be alone. I couldn't imagine the on going stress of including somebody else in the equation while I get my life together.

[bigeekgirl]

Sometimes, Hero of Time, we need to include other people in order to figure ourselves out. It seems to me even for people who know which gender they are after, the process of dating is working on figuring out what works for you by getting to know various people.

[Katla]

When I was younger, I didn't care about sex at all, except for as a means to make my partner happy. I have always found women attractive, and rejected the thought of considering men as either attractive or unattractive. Two years ago, I had an epiphany, resulting in the knowledge that I don't identify as a heterosexual male, which I thought I had prior to that by default. Since then, in my nightly ruminations as sleep eluded me, I have come to realize that I identify as a bi-curious lesbian trapped in a man's body who happens to also be mostly asexual and aromantic.

[anxietygirl]

Just checked back up on this thread after posting in it and then forgetting I'd done so...wow, almost a year ago? I *may* have slight commitment/forgetfulness issues . It was quite reassuring to read all of the replies from people who are going through similar things, and to be reminded that we are indeed not alone. (And Pigeon, I loved the episode with your interview! )

[meh]

Anxietygirl - sexual identities are not only hard to define, they're fluid. So this thread will never die!

[ovoce]

I identify as straight, but I found other girls attractive and sexual before I saw boys that way, and currently tend to find women more attractive than men.

I was raised Catholic and then just plain ol' Christian, and from about 12 years old onwards my mom confronted me on about a weekly basis about how she thought I was a lesbian, which I vehemently denied. Then, in an attempt to battle my budding depression at about 13, I got SUPER religious and ostracized myself from all of my friends by telling them they were going to hell (yeah, I'm an atheist now and in a much better place spiritually). So even though I had these "gay" thoughts as the first hallmarks of my sexuality, I buried them. I didn't even feel guilty about them, I just didn't acknowledge them and forgot about them until I finally had feelings for boys. I had A LOT of gay friends in high school and got really really into gay rights, but never thought of myself as non-straight. Once I finally realized that I probably wasn't entirely straight, I'd been fighting my mom so hard for so many years about how OMG I AM NOT A LESBIAN STOP SAYING THAT I AM STRAIGHT I PROMISE that it would feel like a defeat to ever tell anyone, so I didn't. Not that it really matters, because I still liked men. I'm now very happily married to a man who is the only person in the world who knows I'm attracted to women, and we have this fun activity where we hold hands whenever we're out somewhere and if one of us sees a woman we think the other would find attractive, we do a quick double squeeze of the hand and look in their direction. It's brought us closer together and makes me feel happy that someone accepts my sexual feelings both without judging them and without making a big deal out of them in either direction. I don't want to be told I'm a bad person, but even more so I don't want to be told it's okay because I just don't care either way, it's not a big part of my personality, just a big part of my sexuality. My husband and I will talk about bringing another woman into bed just as a fantasy to "get us going" but neither of us really want to, not right now.

By the way, kind of unrelated, but if it hasn't been mentioned: if there's a part of your sexuality that you want to tell your partner about but are afraid of their reaction, there's a great quiz online called "Mojo Upgrade" that you take then your partner takes about stuff you're into, then it only shows you stuff either you both said you're into, or that you said you'd do if your partner wanted.

[Bioluminescence]

I'm a 29 year old woman, I've never done the deed, and I still don't know what my orientation is. Isn't that lame?

I've always wanted to be like guys instead of just be with them, although I sometimes felt attracted to them. I've always had very singular friendships with women, although looking back on it, it seems more like a romantic relationship without sex. Lots of people thought I was more than friends with my female friends. But at the same time, I don't feel a great attraction to sex with women either. I used to have an active sex drive when I was quite young, but medication has muted that into near oblivion. So...lots of wrenches thrown into this!

It seems so simple. People "discover" their sexuality in their teens. I feel like I'm still scrabbling for something, but there's a huge disconnect. I settled on the term "bisexual" for now, but I worry about being an imposter. It's like my entire sexual identity has been shattered. Intimacy is terrifying, almost like an assault on my independence, so I wonder if something happened. But I don't know. It's all a murky soup. Anyone else feel that way? I need to read a book on this or something. How to Sexuality for Dummies.