Sex,love,marriage,babies,porn,strippers,reality/fantasy

[fifthsonata]

Wow. I wish I had some words of advice, but I haven't been in this situation so I know my thoughts are useless here. The only thing I can think of is to re-evaluate this relationship...and I hate even saying that, but from everything I read that you post, it sounds like this relationship is hurting you more than it's helping you, and even though you love her, it may not be the best thing for both of you.

As for the stripper thing....it's really common. Strippers utilize this emotional tease to get customers back - they exploit what they sense about you in order to keep you coming back again...and again...and again. They're damn good at it - I mean seriously, they utilize their own menstrual cycle to make themselves more alluring to customers. It's why you see so many "missed connections" for strippers on Craigslist (you should read them....it's like a quick "days of our lives" blurb).


I hope things can improve for you, weary. That sounds so incredibly exhausting and to deal with it constantly....ouch.

[weary]

Thanks fifthsonata. I feel like an asshole about all of this. There are a lot of issues in my relationship, and I'm trying to own and fix mine. But it's really hard. I feel like I'm screwed no matter what I do. I just have to accept that there are certain things that I am never going to have in my life at this point, and I have to learn to deal with that and figure out how not to be so incredibly disappointed and angry with my wife for the rest of my life about those things.

As for the stripper thing....it's really common. Strippers utilize this emotional tease to get customers back - they exploit what they sense about you in order to keep you coming back again...and again...and again. They're damn good at it - I mean seriously, they utilize their own menstrual cycle to make themselves more alluring to customers.

I actually feel really embarrassed and ashamed and pathetic about this. Part of my brain screams to me "Of COURSE she didn't care about you. She was doing her job. She was manipulating you. She was mindfucking you. She was taking advantage of you. She saw you as an ATM, and nothing more." And another part really still feels like there was a mutual connection. We spent lots of time just hanging out, talking. If she really wanted to take advantage of me and milk me for all the money she could, she did a lousy job of it, because she could have taken many more opportunities. She had good boundaries and compartmentalization, and at first I did to, and that's why things kind of "snuck up on me", because the last thing I expected was an emotional connection and friendship with someone coming from going to a strip club.

I was insecure about her sincerity while I was seeing her, though, and I had the guts to be vulnerable and talk about it. She was vulnerable and open with me, too (and not in a victim sort of way, but in what seemed to me a very authentic and real sort of way). She did lie to me about certain things to protect certain aspects of her privacy, and at one point when I called her on it, we had a conflict, but we then resolved it and there was additional mutual respect that came from that - you know, like grown-ups do. I still feel like a pathetic loser asshole because going on 2.5 years since the last time I saw her I still think about her a lot. Maybe not quite so much as I did before, but she is still a presence, or at least the fantasy conception of who she is and what her life is. I know more than I should know about her thanks to social media and the internet.

Sadly, I think I cling to things because (1) I felt so good, so relaxed, so happy, so good about myself when I was with her, and it is in contrast to how shitty I can feel about myself and my life when I am with my wife (god, I feel like such an asshole just thinking that), and (2) because she represented hope. A way out. Just the concept that I could possible find some kind of happiness with a woman other than my wife, that I don't have to settle for a life filled with dealing with my wife's chaos and the loss of so many dreams. Of course, if I fully accept the idea that it was all fake and she was just using me for my money and didn't give a shit about me, then that means that it was false hope, and that makes me feel stupid for ever thinking that another woman would even give me the time of day, let alone a very attractive, fun and confident one. And of course, just as she represents either hope or proof that I am a piece of shit to me, to my wife the very idea of her represents constant fear that I will abandon her and run off with someone else. That I am untrustworthy. That I am going to give up on her. And for a while my wife wanted to hurt her. Very badly. And for a while she would get anxious because she actually believed that she was just going to randomly run into her around town.

I still have the temptation to call/e-mail/text her, but I know that it would mean devastating my wife and the end of my marriage, and it probably wouldn't be well received by the dancer herself either at this point. I'm sure she would be very disturbed that I was still thinking about her this much later. And even if she was glad to hear from me and there really was a connection there, I don't think it would really lead to anything good or sustainable. So I should be able to just let go of it, right? I also have the temptation to start going back to strip clubs, but not to have another relationship like that, but just for the reason that I went in the first place. For an escape. To be entertained, to be turned on. To fuel the imagination that I could have sex with other women, that other women might want me, appreciate me, not take me for granted, be attracted to me. To be physically close to a woman without having to focus to break through the clouds of disappointment and frustration that I feel every time I see my wife.

[emma2525]

I've got a lot of problems - problems in my head, problems in my life, my wife's problems that I have to deal with. I've written extensively about many of them elsewhere on here. I'm feeling the need to focus on some that center around sex, though I am really afraid to do so. It's complicated, because they're not just about sex, they are reflective of bigger relationship issues as well as other fucked up things in my head. I have a lot of anger, guilt, shame and sadness about these issues, and I have a very hard time talking about them, especially with my wife. I'm just going to try to lay some things out and see how it goes.

I love my wife - we have been married over 12 years. I can still remember the day she was walking down the aisle in her wedding dress https://bridal-australia.com.au/ I got from this website. But she and I both have serious issues with anxiety, depression, self-worth and have developed very dysfunctional habits that have messed with our lives.

• Right now she wants to have sex constantly (though we have had times in the past where we didn't have sex for months and months at a time). We probably have it 2-5x a month, down from almost every night a few years ago, which was up from only about once or twice in the previous year. She has fucked up sleep and is rarely in bed with me at night (usually up late or all night and sleeps late, often during the day, usually on medication).
• I usually want to have sex, but I often don't feel like having sex with her when she wants to. Sometimes it is just being tired or both of us not being in the mood at the same time, but a lot of it is a lot of unresolved anger and hurt towards her that I can't express. I don't think I'm being passive aggressive and intentionally withholding sex to punish her (though she accuses me of that regularly) - I think it is just hard to shift myself into that intimate and vulnerable mode with her sometimes. She also can shift gears much more quickly than I can - from a fight or major depression/anxiety attack to sex, whereas I can't recover from a negative emotional experience to get to the place where I feel like having sex with her as fast as she can. Sex actually helps her feel better and makes her feel closer to me after a fight, and sometimes I think she picks a fight so that she can get to that closeness. When I am unhappy with her sometimes I don't even want to look at her.
• I watch porn and masturbate often. Not always daily, but close to daily, and sometimes multiple times a day. I don't think it is an addiction or a compulsion, because I can go periods of time where I am busy or distracted or whatever and not do it for a number of days and I don't feel like I am craving it or going crazy with withdrawal or anything. However I think it is a prime way to self-soothe depression and anxiety (one of few that is foolproof). I have had this relationship with porn since high school, but it really kicked up after college (facilitated by the internet, of course). I've brought it up with my therapist and he doesn't think it is something to be concerned with on its own, but in the context of everything sometimes I feel bad about it.
• I mean, I have a woman that loves me that wants to have sex with me all the time. Isn't that what every guy dreams of? And it's not that I'm not attracted to my wife, or the sex is just vanilla or boring. There is some kink and excitement, we sometimes watch porn together, and share some really dirty fantasies from time to time (which I may need to talk about at some point too).
• But I fantasize about having sex with other women ALL THE TIME. A few specific women but also just women in general.
• But it's not just about the sex. I want the romance. But more than that - I want certain qualities in a woman that I don't feel like my wife has right now and might never have. I want that superwoman who has a profession/career, likes to fuck, wants to be/is a great Mom, and is a responsible equal partner. Somehow, that is what's sexually attractive to me even more so than physical appearance. Confidence and competence.
• We have no kids. I want kids. She says she wants kids, but will she ever get her shit together to be in a place where she feels like she can be a parent, let alone get pregnant? The window on that is closing age-wise. It's hard to even talk about. Our life has been going from one drama-filled crisis to another since we were married. There's always something in the way. Things are more financially stable for the moment, but that could change. We're both fucked up in the head, but I'm working on it. She's on a bunch of medications that she would need to get off of to become pregnant, but she's nowhere close to even functioning with the medications, let alone without them. But this is something that is really important to me in life and has really affected how I feel our sex life and sex in general. I am very turned on by the idea of getting her (or someone else) pregnant and going through the whole process of pregnancy and birth, above and beyond just wanting to be a parent and have a family. There have also been historical struggles with her being irresponsible with her birth control or me being responsible for pulling out as a form of BC over a long stretch of time (which made sex into a weird endurance and focus challenge rather than fun).
• I also fell in love with a stripper a few years ago, and had some kind of relationship that I even now have a hard time describing. Was it an affair? My wife thinks it was. I didn't sleep with her. But it was an emotional affair, and it was cheating in some way. Did she really have feelings for me, or was she using me? I don't know. I need to talk about that situation and how it factors into things as well.

There's more, but this is a ridiculously long post already and I doubt anyone has had the stomach to read this far. I'm sorry for blathering on and on. I feel like there's a lot here (just like there's a lot in other areas of my life). Please bear with me. I feel lonely, guilty, ashamed, and unworthy and I spend too much time shoving down these feelings. I want to be wanted and not needed. I know that I should just be really happy for all of the wonderful things that I have. I'm sure that it's hard for any of this to make sense without some of the other context of my wife's problems and why things are difficult in my marriage. I don't know what's OK to feel, to think, to want, to need. I don't know what's realistic or reasonable. I just don't know.

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you are facing in your marriage and life. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time, and I can only imagine how difficult it is to talk about these issues, especially with your wife. It sounds like there's a lot of unresolved anger, hurt, and shame that you're dealing with.

I think it's great that you are trying to reach out and talk about these issues in a safe and supportive place. It can be really hard to express these thoughts and feelings, but it's an important step in trying to come to terms with them and move forward.

I understand that you're feeling a lot of guilt and shame about your porn and masturbation habits. While it's understandable to feel this way, it sounds like it's more of a way for you to cope with your anxiety and depression. It doesn't sound like you are addicted or compelled to do it in an unhealthy manner, so it's OK to use this as a form of self-care.