Sexual Anxiety (I guess that's what it's called)

[SubstancelessBlue]

Hi, I just made my account so I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place or doing any of this right, but I wanted to share something and get some suggestions.

I'm an eighteen year old female virgin and I'm pretty sure I have some sexual anxiety. As a human with hormones and all that, of course I want to have sex, but I just can't let myself trust another person enough to let it happen. I've had oral sex and done mutual masturbation, but I'm always left feeling dirty and guilty (I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm a germophobe and find sex gross at times or because I'm a Christian but I find it highly unrealistic and unnecessary to be abstinent personally), and I keep waiting to have intercourse because I don't want my first time to be associated with feelings of guilt or regret because my relationships always explode and we hate each other. I have clinical depression and social anxiety disorder, so my relationships never seem to work out, and I don't want to have intercourse with someone I'm not in a relationship with because I want to know the person well and be able to trust them. I'm afraid I will have sex with someone and then we'll break up and I won't be able to get over it. I'm afraid I will be sexually abused. I'm afraid I will be videotaped or raped, especially anally, or hit. I have never been raped or molested, but close family members have. I have to sleep with my backside to the wall at night because I'm afraid of being anally raped. As far as I can see, these feelings are irrational. When I was thirteen, a boy tried to finger me but I wouldn't let him and he didn't, but he broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with him. Time and time again, men break up with me because I will not have sex with them. At 15, I reluctantly performed oral sex on my boyfriend and when he broke up with me, I felt like I had lost my virginity to him. When we had sexual relations, always tip-toeing around intercourse, with mutual masturbation and rubbing and such, he was too rough and I felt like he was treating me like an object. A year later we hooked up again and I was giving him a blow job but I didn't feel like it anymore so I tried to bring my head up and he shoved it back down until I was gagging. Another boyfriend of mine was addicted to porn and masturbating, but refused to have sexual relations with me or even kiss me at first because he wanted to wait until marriage. I thought it didn't add up, and convinced him to mess around with me. He gave me my first orgasm (I never had one with the previous boyfriend who was too rough. It was just unpleasant and uncomfortable) and I was happy. I was never able to give him an orgasm though, I guess because he was addicted to masturbating and I felt like I wasn't good enough or couldn't please him, and he ended up breaking up with me because he felt so guilty about breaking his sexual morals with me (which didn't make sense because he was addicted to porn).
I was going to have sex with this one guy who I didn't really care about so I could get the first time over with and not having any feelings to deal with, but it was a stupid and fell through.
Sex toys and anal sex terrify me. I have never masturbated and feel uncomfortable with the idea but I think I'm suppressing the urge because I have dreamed about it. I'm afraid I will never be able to sex. Whenever I mess around with guys, I'm terrified I'll get pregnant even though it's impossible. I've even looked up the symptoms online and almost bought a pregnancy test. I don't know why I have such sexual anxiety when I've never been raped or anything, and it makes me ashamed that I have issues with sex when nothing bad sexually has happened to me, while others, like my mother and cousin have been molested/sexually assaulted, and they seem to be fine. I don't feel comfortable talking about this with anyone, especially my counselor, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I will never able to be in a healthy relationship because of my depression and anger issues which will wreck the emotional aspect of the relationship AND because I'm so terrified of sex. I don't know how to fix this.

[AlmostWell]

Please see a sex-positive therapist. Most young adults have to break through a lot of issues about sex that society has placed upon them. It sounds like you've had some experiences that just added to that anxiety even more. I pray that you will be able to overcome these obstacles. A good sex life is SO important for overall happiness. You will find your way out, but there is much work to do!

This directory is a good place to start.

http://aasect.org/directory.asp

[SubstancelessBlue]

Thank you so much!!

[Fredbo]

I don't think I or anyone can tell you what you should do or how you should feel about sex... I'm a guy who was always shy sexually. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 23. My teenage years and into my early 20's were confusing and difficult, but looking back I'm glad I didn't do too much to make me or the girls I was with uncomfortable. I am such a nerd that when kissing and fooling around with a girl I would stop and actually ask if we could "make love." Now at 38 I am glad I did it that way because it was the way I felt. Sex is too personal for me to be an "activity" or "sport." Try not to put pressure on yourself and never let anyone pressure you into something you are not ready to do. It is not a race to lose virginity. Life happens. I hope when it does happen it is amazing for you and your partner and is something you look back fondly upon regardless of what happens down the road.

Good luck,
Fredbo

[SubstancelessBlue]

Thank you. I really feel a lot better hearing that. I guess society has made me feel like there is something wrong with me because I'm not comfortable having sex yet. The fact that you would ask if you could make love to the person you were with sounds really thoughtful and respectful, and I hope to meet someone who will treat me the same way. You're so right--it doesn't need to be rushed, gosh, thank you I feel so much better

[Fredbo]

You are welcome... Glad I could help a little!

-Fredbo

[AlmostWell]

Substanceless - although Fredbo is one hundred percent correct in that rushing it is not the answer, and I am SO glad you feel a little better about not being ready, some of what you described is way way more than standard anxiety. You describe something that sounds more like a phobia, more than just "I do not want to rush it because of my values and maturity level." It would be wrong of me, or anyone else to tell you what to do and when you "should" be ready (there are no shoulds with sexuality). But based on what you said, if I were a close friend, or a loving parent, I would caution you to not run away from facing some of these fears. What would happen if you met the right person and wanted to go down that path? Or even more difficult, what if you found the person, got married, and then could not have sex because of never having faced your fears? That would not be fair to your spouse. It is easy to put off facing fears - God knows I've lived my life that way for long stretches (which is why I can recognize it). But it better to make the choice to wait or not with a clear head, rather than living your life out of fear. That's not a choice, that's a reaction. And remember, facing fears doesn't mean having sex right now. But it would allow you some intimacy that will lead to eventually be ready. I hope you find your peace, however that may be.

[SubstancelessBlue]

Okay I'll see if I can talk to someone about it. I wasn't sure if I was just blowing things out of proportion, like if it really was an issue or not so thank you for giving me your perspective. Thank you both so much.

[weary]

Hi SubstancelessBlue. I wanted to add my voice to the supportive chorus a bit. You get to decide what's right for you in terms of your sexuality. What you want to do, what you don't want to do, who you want to do it with, when you want to do it. What other people think or expect doesn't matter. I agree with the suggestion to see a sex-positive therapist - some of your anxieties sound like they might have some deeper issues than just sexuality, and understanding and confronting them now will help you be a much happer, actualized adult from the beginning rather than fumble around for years like many of us do before we get a clue (if we ever do).

And I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but I think anxiety around sex doesn't necessarily ever go away - it just morphs from one form to the other. Even if you find a person that you love and are in a monogamous, fulfilled relationship, there will be insecurities and fantasies and all sorts of things that can muddy up the picture from time to time... the key, like with so many things, is to not take those things so intensely and so seriously that they keep you from enjoying the good parts.

[SubstancelessBlue]

Okay thank you. I really did think there was something wrong with me for not wanting to be sexually active yet with society and the media throwing it at me, so it's good to hear that it's up to me nd my decisions. But I do agree with you that there are probably some deeper issues, I just don't know what they are or where they come from, and going to talk to someone would help sort it out.