too ugly for anyone in their right mind to fuck

[norskheks]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years (we took a long break and still talked, but that didn't work out, so now it's definitively over). He's the only person I've ever been in a relationship with and I just turned 28. I really really miss him and don't want to have sex with anyone else right now, but it also hurts knowing that I probably never will again. It's just hopeless. I started puberty at 10, and it took 15 years for someone to be able to overlook my... looks. I'm a fat woman and even when I was at my thinnest I was NOT a looker (I'm always round in the middle and my face is weird, like too small for my head). My ex was special, and I'll probably have to wait another 15 years for the next special person to come along, or longer because by that time most of my age peers probably will already be in committed relationships or not have time for one. And I'll be tired. My ex told me I was beautiful but I think he just... saw my personality when he looked at me, and he liked it. Friends say I'm not ugly, but I know what I am; they're just being nice, or maybe doing the same thing my ex did. I loved having sex and I was not ready to stop. It's like having a big slice of cake in front of you and you think you have plenty of time to enjoy it, but then after the first bite someone comes and takes it from you, and throws it in the garbage along with the rest of the cake while you watch, and you know you'll never get to taste that cake again. And you don't have an oven or money for more cake, so you'll actually never get cake again ever, that was your last bite of cake and you didn't even know it until it was gone. I'm so mad that I had that once chance and suddenly it's over and I'm back to being old fat ugly girl who reminds you of your mom if you can handle looking at her face. I want to be a Real Woman again.

[fifthsonata]

You are not defined by your relationship. You are "real," with or without someone. Perhaps take this time to seek some therapy to help you with self-esteem issues and work on yourself a bit so you can get a grasp on the value you posess as a person.

[norskheks]

My therapist is trying. But I know she's wrong. I know I have no intrinsic value.

[fifthsonata]

And sometimes our "inner voices" can be wrong. Look up Andrew Solomon's ted talks on depression; he explains it more eloquently than I ever could.

[oak]

Hey! Thanks for sharing, for being willing to be so honest. I appreciate that.

I am sorry your relationship ended. I hope you find true love, romance. Whether you do or don't, please remember that you have worth and dignity.

I think you are going to be okay; I think it is going to work out for you. I say that because I like the evocative allegory you wrote about the cake. You have a fine, creative mind, and can write.

May I offer the following thoughts as a hetero dude? These are my perspectives, and you are welcome to take or leave any of them.

When I was your age, ten years ago, I realized that I couldn't compete with other men when it came to job, money, car, muscles, all that. Reading dating books (which are something of a faustian bargain), I learned how to use what I had, and develop other, latent qualities.

There is also the survival and replication heuristic, with the not unrelated ideas of Mr. Matt Ridley's book "The Red Queen". There is also the profound meditation, the book "Moneyball", which is ostensibly about baseball, but really about your situation.

You self report as "old" and "fat". I can assure you, with whatever sincerity I can muster, that my friends and I, who are experienced in the game of love, see age and weight as numbers, to the extent that we see age and weight at all, which we don't. We don't care about age or weight.

We do care, very much, about kindness. We care after that about survival and replication, but without kindness, nothing else matters.

To summarize:

1. Take time to grieve the relationship that ended.

2. When you are ready to date again, be wary of the "eat/pray/love/soulmate" pablum. It is a siren song to the rocks of disappointment. Action is the only way out of your situation.

3. Were I in your situation, I would find a woman who meets your stated criteria of "old" and "fat" (I cringe typing that) who is in a committed relationship with a high value man. Find out what she did, then do it.

If you've read this far, you must realize that I am interested more in your long term self defined success than your short term feelings.

If you really want a dose of truth, and are willing to bruise your feelings (and besides your feelings have gotten you where you are today, so if your feelings don't care about you, why should you care about them?), then copy and paste the following into youtube: "Glengarry glenross alec baldwin speech". Replace "real estate" with "my dating life".

Alec Baldwin's speech is actually very kind and loving.

You can turn this situation around. Good luck. Keep us posted.