Desolate

[Cephalopod]

So I guess I should go ahead and puke my brain onto my keyboard. I feel like I should warn you that this post is going to be masturbatory and whiny, but I suppose that's what this site was built for. Also, I apologize in advanced for the "rambly-ness" that this post will most likely suffer from.

I've been dealing with some sort of depression for around 5 years now. In that time I've started college and have been able to keep my GPA up while holding down a job. Unfortunately, the rest of my personal life has slowly eroded to nothingness. I've fallen out of contact with my old friends and, looking back, I'm not sure I can really call them friends. They weren't terrible or anything. We just weren't as familial as I had once thought. In the end it was probably for the best. People change. People grow apart, and that's okay. As far as spreading out and trying to connect with new people goes, I have two main problems.

First, depression makes getting out of bed seem like an exercise in futility. When my depression is "acting up", I feel like I'm walking through sand. Wet, waist deep sand. I stumble through my days in a state of mental and emotional; I feel a weird combination of nausea and numbness. But how does this affect my ability to connect with anyone? Well I'll tell ya. The simple act of starting and staying engaged to a conversation is a daunting task. The mental energy demanded by human contact is more than I tend to have. That, combined with the fact that I always feel incredibly drained after said interaction, makes it very hard to convince myself to bother at all. This has led to the development of my second problem.

In the past few years, like a muscle atrophying from neglect, my basic ability to connect with other people in any kind of healthy way seems to have been terribly gimped. Maybe I come off as more damaged and weird than I really am (which would be quite impressive). I find that when I'm apathetic and aloof, people go out of their way to try and connect, but when I'm even semi interested or friendly they disengage and disappear like vampires fleeing the sun. This doesn't seem healthy to me. Is it them? Is it me? Is it some sort of game I've forgotten? I feel like I don't know which way is up anymore. Maybe I'm just not someone who's worth anyone else's time. Maybe my staying disconnected would be best for everyone involve; I wouldn't waste the resources, energy or attention of someone else and also wouldn't have to worry about any more unproductive suffering.

I don't really know what to do anymore. When I first started dealing with this I changed to a very healthy lifestyle, hoping to stunt my depression's growth before it became to big to handle. That worked out well until sometime around the start of this semester. Emotionally/mentally I am running on empty. For my entire life I've maintained a 4.0 GPA but that won't be the case this semester. I haven't been partying or doing any crazy drugs. I just can't seem to make myself care about me or my future anymore and therefore don't engage my classes like I should. My love life has been non existent and I'm terrifyingly okay with that. Thankfully, I'm still relatively okay physically. I'll have a day here or there that I feel tired but I think that's a result of over working/under resting and not depression.

I don't practice any of my hobbies anymore. I just work and go to class. It hurts to breath. I feel like I'm being crushed by the atmosphere that used to shelter me. I feel aimless and unwanted, abandoned and lost. I've forgotten what hope is like. Was there ever any hope for the worthless? Is there ever any worth in the hopeless?

Has anyone made it through this? Any advice? I don't want to exist like this. I'm drowning; please help.

[Cheldoll]

You are not alone.

I applaud your ability to keep up your grades -- in the depths of my depression I wouldn't even leave the house to go to class. I tried taking all online courses... but then I wouldn't even get on the computer to check on them. I managed to graduate after about seven years, but it was a long and painful journey.

First off, forget thinking you're not worth people's time. You're not a waste -- you sound smart and sensitive. I get the feeling you would make a wonderful friend who would be kind and considerate. I wonder if you're also struggling with a bit of anxiety? I know I can tire myself out just by thinking about what it would take to go to a party.

I think you need to see a mental health professional. I'm sure there are counselors on your campus you can talk to who can direct you to more resources available to you. What were you hobbies beforehand? What is your major? What I'm getting from your post is that you feel like your depression is defining who you are more and more and even though you know it sucks, it's just eating away at you whenever you try to fight it. So I guess the best advice I can offer as the first step is to reclaim yourself. Maybe check out a club related to a hobby you have (you don't have to suddenly become the club's treasurer or anything, just maybe attend an event or sit in on a meeting?) or find an organization/study group related to your major. Your goal isn't to make friends and suddenly be magically okay -- you just want to be part of something that isn't your mental illness. You just want to define yourself by choosing what you want to be and identifying the people who you could potentially build relationships with.

I know what it feels like to feel worthless. Hell, I still deal with it every damn day and have been ever since I was twelve. I understand that you feel overwhelmed and the easiest thing to do is curl up and withdraw from the world. But there is hope. I promise you. You're definitely not alone.

[Cephalopod]

So, the night that I posted this,I went to sleep and promptly forgot about it...

Thank you Cheldoll for the response. The catharsis of writing down how I felt was nice and the fact that someone who's felt similarly took the time to respond is comforting. I know, at least intellectually, that depression is fairly common and a lot of people eventually work through it one way or another but I don't always remember it (if that makes sense?).

I joined the chemistry club (chemistry's my major) at my school soon after posting. Not much changed besides the fact that I know a lot more about the chemical processes involved in beer making now. I've also started volunteering regularly around town and definitely feel more fulfilled because of it. Finally, I started playing my guitar again and quickly broke it... oh well.

I feel more numb than paralyzed anymore which I think is good; I can function now. Also, it looks like my grades will be better than I thought they would be.
I don't feel healthy yet but I am clearly moving toward "better" so something I'm doing must be helping. Nothing to do but keep on going I guess?

Thanks again.

[Alarmist]

You strike me as articulate and sensitive. I agree that you should give yourself more credit for maintaining your studies amidst walking through the sand of misery.

Bummer about the guitar! I imagine a cepholopod would be an outstanding guitarist!

Sounds like you're taking good steps to improve you life.