Don't want to do this anymore

[walklikeanegyptian]

I am so depressed today I can barely stand it. Over the last month I have become more and more reclusive to the point I don't even get out of bed and get out of my pjs. I've been depressed my whole life and it's gotten at least somewhat manageable, but the last month has been awful. I had a mediation in a lawsuit which didn't go well -- even my lawyer was mad at the mediator. I just felt like if you have money you can push people around and if you don't you're screwed -- this thought brings up all kinds of shit from my childhood, and I started spiraling down. Then I had another issue which I talked to my lawyer about, and she was like, "well, there's nothing I can do about it", even though the law is in my favor. I don't understand what all these laws are for, if when you try to protect yourself with them, everyone says there's nothing you can do about it. I also brought my attorney a lot of business -- she is very small time, and I brought her at least $20K in the last year. More spiraling down.

I got sick during the mediation and was down for 10 days - more spiraling down. I have 3 borderline clients (I'm not a therapist, but I see people hourly for another type of business). They were so unkind when I was sick -- one said when I had to reschedule because I was to sick to work: "you know, I can't just magically change my schedule at the last minute!". Really?

I saw my therapist yesterday and felt a little bit better, but I haven't left the house all day today. My therapist encouraged me to ask some friends if I could join them for Passover. I babysit for them all the time, and am considered a "part of the family", but I haven't heard from them in 24 hours and usually they respond immediately to all my emails. This is my life -- I commit myself to a friendship and then get kicked to the curb for asking for the tiniest bit of consideration.

I'm in my 50's and I am just so tired of having to fight for the least little bit of attention. My father passed away in December and oddly, I don't feel much about that - I resigned myself 2 years ago, after decades of trying, that I would never have a relationship with him, so his passing meant that I wasn't going to experience any more loss than I already had. But it has made me consider the fact that time goes on, and things don't really get that much better for some of us.

Life is too hard. I keep thinking that a gun in my mouth would be easier than this. I just don't want to do this any more.
walklikeanegyptian

Posts: 30
Joined: May 24th, 2012, 8:11 pm

[walklikeanegyptian]

And I need to stop looking at fucking Fuckbook. God, everyone posting shit about all their good times. Makes me feel like such a loser. And please know that I suffer from agitated depression, so will probably get really angry at everyone and everything, including the people on this website. Sorry in advance.

[SlackBabbath]

When i'm like that all i can do is wait it out, and maybe write some fucked up extreme prose. Are you on meds? Sounds like you should be. For me, can get out of bed=needs meds.

[elionwhy]

I know it's been a while since you originally posted and I hope you will still see this.

I can totally relate to where you are. It's a brutal place. One thing that I try is mindfulness - focusing on this exact moment in time. It's not perfect but it has gotten me through at times.

I think when depression hits this hard, it's very difficult to see the hope in anything. It's difficult not to be frustrated by the legal system - it's just brutal at times. There seems to be such a shortage of justice despite the attempts of many. The only thing I can really say is that it ain't over until it's over. I've seen cases that looked really bad during medication or after end up going in a different direction.

It's also possible that your friends didn't see the email right away - technology isn't perfect, even though we depend on it so very much these days. It's just so hard NOT to internalize when things are these dark.

Medication may help. Spoil yourself a little - light some candles, cuddle up into your bed and try to take care of you.

[ScottMentalPod]

Here's my lame suggestion: Get 2 - 2500+ lumens light bulbs from your local hardware store. They are about $12 each and sit next to them throughout the day.

[walklikeanegyptian]

Thanks for your responses. It got better, then it got worse again. While I didn't feel a lot about my father's death (as explained earlier), my family home sold last week and THAT just put me over the top. I can barely talk about it here, but just mentioning it brings tears to my eyes. It's like the very last possibility that my family relationships will some day get better is now GONE. My family house was my last anchor in the world -- even though my dad and stepmother lived in it longer than I did as a child, in my mind it was still MY house, and not my step-mother's (who is a rocking, narcissistic bitch). But now the house as been sold and I have no anchor in the world. Sometimes I feel like this is a new beginning for me, though.

Speaking of meds: I'm on meds, and I upped them last night on my therapist's recommendation. I do feel a little bit better today. I also suffer from long term candida, and when I eat certain foods it totally fucks with my mood. I had some beans a few days ago -- big mistake. Yesterday was absolutely brutal. Lots of sweating and depression and suicidal thoughts.

One issue that plagues me: reaching out to others. I don't want to be the "sad-sack" friend that everyone secretly pities and has to "be concerned about" and "check in on" -- and then can feel so much better about themselves because their lives are better than mine. "Friends With Better Lives" -- right. Recently I had to back off of a friendship because I felt that my friend (who is also quite depressed) was very invested in my STAYING depressed (misery loves company!). I don't know how to move beyond this.

[elionwhy]

Sometimes it goes like that. For me it's worse right now also so I get it.

I'm sorry to hear about the house. I think it's ok to feel sad about the house and to allow yourself that. For me, soemtimes the emotion of saddness scares me because I fear getting stuck here but it is normal to grieve for things - be it a house, a relationship, a dream, etc. This could absolutely be a new begining - one where your anchor is something that you have more control over.
What helps me sometimes is to remind myself what is in my control and what isn't - I even do that little circule exercise (if you haven't seen it I can write more about it). It sounds basic but it can give me a little peace at times.

I can relate to it being hard to reach out. For me it just seems so boring - I don't want to inflict it on others - my dark places are just that - there are no fascinating qualities to them. Plus, it's something that a friend can fix - like oh i have a flat tire or can you watch my dogs for a day or two while i go out of town... it just doesn't work that way. I have a friend that I often choose to talk to about this and I texted him the other night that things were dark and he responded with "take a nap". Or there are the friends that suggest hospital or a million other things and i think it's hard to explain that I can barely move. All I have is going into keeping going - working, taking care of my responsiblities... it seems impossible to do much else.

I wish I could give you an answer on how to move beyond this. Perhaps together through these forums we will all get a bit closer to that. What I do know is that this sucks and I hope that reaching out here helps a bit.

[walklikeanegyptian]

Elionwhy, I related to everything you said -- especially about being scared to be sad or grieve when it's actually appropriate because you don't want to get stuck there again. OMG, "take a nap"! Really? What I want is for someone to come over, do the dishes, give me a hug, make me tea and watch TV with me for awhile. If they can bring their dog, even better.

I love the idea of having an anchor that I have control over. I never thought of that, and I love it. And I would love to know about that exercise.

Thank you for your lovely response.