Mourning over an avoidant life

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello WiltedRose.

Yeah, I just manage to get past the edge of my comfort zone by

1) constantly asking myself "am I being avoidant?" and then move a little faster (like a bee stung my bottom) and jump on ugly tasks just to chip away a tiny bit. Then I have a little party with the children inside of me - the 6-year-old version of myself and the 13-year-old version of myself

2) a posture of activity also helps, as corny as that sounds.

Hello amieonthewall.

Yeah, it is weird, it is a lot easier for me to cheer for others than to cheer for myself. I deny myself warmth and affection when dealing with myself. My therapist has me practicing this.

Dreams continue to trip me up. I dream of performing half-assed and watching my results crumble in my hands, and I dream of staring at people living their lives, but I am staring from far, far away.

In my waking life, I am having little triumphs, as I continue to make small forward motion. I take time to tell the 6-year-old version of myself and the 13-year-old version of myself that I love them and that I am proud of them.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am asking myself during the day "Am I being avoidant?"

the risk is that I answer back with "get to work, dummy!"

but I need a self-loving response

so I tell my 6-year-old self and my 13-year-old self that I love them and that I am proud of them, and that I will be there for them like a loving parent.

then I move forward

it is hard. I just want to eat because I know that brings down my anxiety automatically, but I cannot for health reasons

I am 20 pounds less than my highest weight, and I want to keep moving down

protein and not carbs, nutritionally complete instead of garbage - I have a supply of greek yogurt and Clif bars when I cannot go further without eating, between the meals my wife cooks, which are quite healthy

[manuel_moe_g]

I forget about the power of writing in my notebook, especially the power of planning out the next few hours on paper.

[justsomeoneinacorner]

I have been there. Oh wait, I think I'm still there! Haha. I'm only in my twenties, but I too tend to ruminate over what I've lost. I wonder where I would be right now if I had finished school. Would I be well to-do? Maybe financially stable enough to be married? Maybe I would have travelled. Maybe id be preparing to have kids! Maybe... Maybe.... Maybe ....

Anyways, manny you said that "now you're in a good position to help others" and so I'm curious. What advice would you give a twenty something like myself? I'm open.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello justsomeoneinacorner!

You are a twenty-something, so you should have 20 years less of regret than myself, who is a forty-something!

Patience is the big one. There is a direct line between denying yourself the gift of patience and compassion, and giving up too soon and going back to avoidant habits. You will change slowly and you will make mistakes, the only question is if you will use patience and compassion to allow yourself to press on when positive change is difficult.

Also, 60% ready is ready enough. There is a temptation to start only when you are 100% ready. 60% ready or even 40% is plenty, because opportunities open up when you start moving.

All the best, cheers to you, justsomeoneinacorner!

[justsomeoneinacorner]

WOW! with a capital W, that is exactly what I needed to hear. There is actually something I need to do before very long but I've been too afraid to do it. All through work today it's been running through my head, wrecking havoc to my mood because I just don't want to look at it! I feel like I'm only 43% ready, but now that I think about it, maybe that is enough. So thanks. I'll post an update if I actually get this done.

[WiltedRose]

Amie, I like what you shared there. Thank you.
Wilted Rose

[kitkat]

Just here to say I know this feeling. It makes me feel so sad how much I have missed by avoiding anxiety. It is a kind of mourning for the time lost. However, I find that when I remember this, it helps me to push forward and want to inch closer to the life I want where I have less regrets.

[Syuni]

I think you are in one of the best positions to help people! Of what I've seen of your many posts you are very helpful and kind, and if it brings you any kind of positive feelings then continue! I personally think the people that can give the best advice are people who have gone through something similar, EVEN if they're still struggling. I know I can give people close to me good advice about depression, anxiety, and other things similar, and I am THE WORST at listening to my advice. But at the same time, helping someone feel better makes me feel better in a way. Don't be discouraged thinking you're not in a place to help others if you can't follow your own advice. You can relate more than people who have never suffered.

With such a positive first paragraph, I feel bad about this second one. I can so relate to what your saying about mourning life missed due to anxiety and depression. I'm only 29, and I always hoped that I'd be able to do all kinds of things by now and I'm not even close to being able to overcome my problems to accomplish them... Simple things, too! Go camping! Go to the beach! Go to Walmart without being terrified! Paint my dang kitchen that NEEDS to be repainted! Do anything consistently without giving up and avoiding all responsibility! Socially interact with groups of people without the fear! I am aware I am still quite young and have time, as long as nothing bad happens, but just that thought doesn't help when I understand I can easily stay in this rut like I have been for 29 years then I'll be 70 and still hoping I have time to do the things not only I want to do, but the things other people do with no problem.

But! Your advice and others just in this thread has helped me shape my mind to help work through this, and it sounds like it is helping others as well. Sometimes it's just small steps. As long as you, me, and everyone suffering from this slowly work at it nomatter what our age is, we may not do 100% of the things we wanted to do in life, but hopefully enough to feel some accomplishment. And there is no one on this earth that has ever did 100% of the things they wanted to do in their life. Every achievement that you accomplish towards your goals of living your life how you would like (no matter how big or small) is a BIG accomplishment. People not suffering the problems we suffer have less obstacles in their way. So when I feel excited because I went to Walmart like it was no big deal, it's on the same level as someone else excited because they ran a marathon. And maybe, just maybe, if I consistently work at it, I eventually will run that marathon.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Syuni! Thanks for the uplifting post. Awesome to hear that you are expanding your comfort zone to blast out of your rut! Cheers, all the best to you!