Feeling trapped in a cycle

[QuirkyBallerina]

Some of the stuff I'm mentioning may be a repeat of some things I mentioned in my intro post but I'm wondering if anyone's depression makes them feel stuck in a cycle? I feel like I've been in an uphill battle to prove myself since the day I was born and when I get through something bad I have a couple months if happy... My "window" opens then slams on my thumb and makes me go back inside to tend to it... I need concrete proof things can get better and last... But I don't.

Everything can be going great in my daily life and then a trigger will happen and I'm done for. It also doesn't help that tomorrow will be the one year anniversary since I last saw my ex... I miss him dearly and without concrete proof that our breakup wasn't my fault I only blame myself and that if we were together now I wouldn't feel so trapped. He hates me. I tried to contact him a few times to no avail. He called me a couple times but never returned my calls when I responded. His girlfriend blocked me on FB etc too even though I never spoke to her of course.

My feelings of depression are like I know what my critical voice is saying is untrue but they are very loud and after a while... it is all I hear. Like it is a big bully. When I was in college we did a victims scene in stage combat, where you just got your butt kicked and then in turn got to kick someone's butt too. My friend was an extreme perfectionist and everyone always looked to her to be the best at everything, she was so talented etc... and wonderful, I adored her (she died 8 years ago) and her scene was being the special one and being locked in a prison and told because she is special she has to stay in... I feel like that only my voice is telling me I'm unlovable and I shouldn't get out of the prison because no one wants me. My friend is the type of person my ex is now with... talented and accomplished. I am too, I have a ton of accomplishments, I'm reasonably attractive..... but this girl is the girl that get the guy, even though she is overweight and I was always told by him how much he liked that I was fit but still ate like a horse, because I do..... But that comes from careful planning by me, part of being a recovering bulimarexic... and her instagram posts just talked about how epic and amazing my ex is... she has him on a pedestal much like me. We liked each other for so long, oddly enough we both had significant others when we first met and started flirting... he told me he loved me that night.. no that was NOT a warning to me... at all...I get hit on every 10 years and other than that nothing... My ex is the only man I felt safe with for a long time... People in my family and my friends ended up breaking up and getting back with the people that love and I wonder if that can happen to me?

I also feel that I'm bi but wonder if my newfound interest in women has to do with the fact that I feel so uncomfortable around men now? I was raped and bullied by men too... I hate the way my face looks sometimes..... It gets too much sometimes. In the past say 20 years I've had 5 straight months of happy. It's tiring and while I'm not suicidal I'm so apathetic about death... I oddly have a lot of confidence in myself when my depression calms down.. Except for relationships... My ex was my last chance and I lost him.

[Rain]

I feel as though I’m trapped in a giant lid-less tin can ...who’s convexed walls wrap around to the same place… I can’t scratch or dig out ...but am unwilling to make an effort to jump up, grab the damn edge - and pull myself out. Worse - if offered ‘a hand,’ I’ll politely say, ‘no thanks.’ And most of the time it’s too painful to even look up at the freedom and sunshine I don’t deserve…

And i seem to need that same ‘concrete proof,’ QuirkyBallerina, that things will get better…

It’s also been a year plus now that i was last with my girlfriend. (her) BPD was too much for her to ignore or expect me to live with, apparently. I’ll always love her, as the intensity slowly fades… And though love & loss is all she knows, I’ve had, wanted, and expected far more. No guilt on my part, just additional depression due to another loss in life.

...I’m nearing 58, and have wondered if ‘she’ wasn’t my last love, or relationship? Having never looked my age, and stayed in shape, I’m no doubt good for more … but do i want it? Another mistake, additional pain and eventual loss..?

There are of course little mind tricks and games we can play to get past/over a lover, but for me, I actually have wanted this one to hurt. To remind me to be more careful, to put myself first, for a change. I’m too trusting, and a care-giving magnet to disfunction. But also quite loving ...and don’t want to lose that capability. A friend suggested I ‘get my shit together,’ so to speak - and without expecting it - someone will appear… If nothing else, I’m as close to living by myself as ever in life (been a successful father, and longtime husband). ...so we’re obviously in way different places, other than hurt by the same emotions that often elicit the best in humans ...damn.

What’s begun to scare me is how people appear to go into a r/s (secretly) looking for what’s in it for them. Don’t know if it was the naivety of youth, or just plain naivety, but I’ve always followed my heart. Now, I no longer trust it! So my brain’s had to kick in. Maybe that’s something I should have engaged to a greater extent long before now? But it’s confusing, thus very difficult to give advice regarding love… Shit - don’t follow your heart, harden off, expect the worst and stay on guard..? How romantic

...but let’s not be like Paul, let’s not beat ourselves up ...only he deserves that

And stop following that damn social media crap and get yourself (ourselves) out there - wherever ‘out there’ ends up being! I’m gonna see if I can’t tip over my can, and crawl into the daylight - wadda ya think

[QuirkyBallerina]

I just saw your message!! Can I beat myself up a teeny bit for it? LOL

I appreciate your words, it is scary to leave your shell I think... I'm feeling a little more ready day by day and it's hard not to feel on a time table.

[Rain]

Hey QuirkyB… it’s weird (like Paul ) how I appeared to make my response to you all about me! But I think we’re all trying to share our dysfunctions and find something to relate to or empathise with... As far as beating yourself up some - be careful! I took off driving recently and was so angry at myself for, yet again, beginning to talk to myself about my exgf with BPD (figuring such crazy talk is safe inside my vehicle) - instantly knowing it would lead nowhere - I slapped myself, hard, right across the face - it hurt! But I’d thought, damn, I gotta snap-out of this crap and punish myself for even going there. ...it worked for the moment, though my neck hurt for awhile. Lesson: don’t get too violent when beating yourself up, even just a little.

Rereading your post above, it’s weird how easy it feels to just tell someone to “forget him/her and move on!” … I heard that constantly (and still do) while going back & forth with my BPDex. Not easy, and sometimes not possible. A neighbor my age got back with his wife after 8 years of divorce ...mine’s remarried, but it hasn’t been 8 years. Isn’t it weird how much easier it is to return to something that’s simply familiar than to find something new and potentially a better fit? Seems we most often lack the confidence in ourselves to chance someone new… I do.

And just as it’s scary to leave our shells, it’s also scary to have turned another year older with hardly any better handle on the meaning of life than before(!). I keep thinking one day it’s all going to fit, to make sense ...and waiting ...and waiting.. Seems even when you grab life by the throat ..you can’t choke out it’s meaning. The best I’ve found is to remain productive, if nothing else, it gives you that little bit of satisfaction for ‘being here.’ Sometimes, it’s even appreciated! It’s not the big stuff, the stuff we’re told or sold.. it’s the little things, the power you have to make someone smile, for whatever you do.

So, I’m gonna go out there and attempt to practice what I’ve preached! ...one more thought - never expect a lot, and you’ll never be disappointed. That's also become one of my survival templates. It’s a bit more depressing, but we can handle a bit

[QuirkyBallerina]

I feel like I want to meet like ONE person ASAP, and just go on a date or 2 just to see that someone who is like my ex also can like me... I feel like it would help me get over it a little faster.. get my confidence up, it won't come from me, I'm still too smitten. My roommate told me that his last day of working on the project was last week and I got so sad because I am like "that was my last chance" but I know that trying to get him to talk to me through mutual friends (who have been giving me radio silence) and my roommate is not the best way. If it does happen it HAS to be just between us, other people getting involved is the reason we had so much struggle early on.

I have to work on a lot of stability issues in my life and I feel like I need to apologize to him even though he hurt me too... its so frustrating