Feel Like a Loser

[Frootsy Collins]

I've been working as an artist for a computer game on and off for about 3 years. Last week the game released on Steam (sort of like iTunes for PC games), and it's been selling dismally. It's sold about 60 copies, and my cut of it ends up being about $50 for all of the work I put into it these years.

I've become very depressed coming to terms with not being that talented of an artist, not knowing where I want to go with my career, feeling hopeless about ever being financially independent from my mother, and a million other things I don't have the energy to type.

I've been going to therapy, support group, and taking medication for about 4 years now (maybe 2 years of being on meds) and I still feel this way. I'm not suicidal, but I cry all of the time, barely get through the day at work, and enjoy doing almost nothing. All the medication has done for me so far has made me fat and cost me a fortune. I am so frustrated with this process. It's like every month I get a major depressive episode, and even when I'm not depressed I barely feel any pleasure. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way, it isn't worth how hard I'm working.

People have and will continue to tell me that I'm doing fine and have nothing to be ashamed of, to the point where I understand the cognitive idea intellectually, but emotionally I'm sad and empty. I don't know what to do.

I'm losing hope.

[Frootsy Collins]

Oh, and "I know how you feel" and "Keep at it" have been said to me many times and haven't helped either. Sorry if this comes across as hostile, but I'm getting tired of hearing those two things.

[manuel_moe_g]

You can move forward even without hope. It sucks, but the feelings of forward motion sometimes lag the actions by months. If you intellectually do the right things, you can keep moving forward even though you are an empty shell emotionally. I wish I knew what to say.

[Frootsy Collins]

I'm going to rewrite my resume and update my portfolio with the game. Maybe that will help me get a new job (I get paid very little in my current job). It's very hard to do this with no motivation.

[AndyLand]

Love the Vonnegut quote. That is a tough blow for anyone. I have chronic physical illness and I have my share of those sayings that will make me scream if I hear them one more time. I hope doing the resume and taking forward steps helps to ease your worry and sadness some. I find sometimes I just need to express it somewhere, like you did here, that helps me, takes away some of the power of it all.

[Britney2007]

I hear ya.

I often feel the same way. It's so frustrating when people try and "fix" it. I've been trying to fix my situation (no hope of worthwhile job) for 20 years and in the past couple of years I've just grown tired. People always like to bring up "famous failures" or to say "just keep swinging the bat". My father even went so far once as to tell me that I should think of Babe Ruth since he didn't hit it out of the park every time either. Hitting it out of the park? I'd love it if i could just step up to the fucking plate.

Sorry. I hear ya man.

[TheNotoriousWIG]

"I've become very depressed coming to terms with not being that talented of an artist, not knowing where I want to go with my career, feeling hopeless about ever being financially independent from my mother, and a million other things I don't have the energy to type . . . People have and will continue to tell me that I'm doing fine and have nothing to be ashamed of, to the point where I understand the cognitive idea intellectually, but emotionally I'm sad and empty. I don't know what to do."

Man, these bits describe my emotional state right now perfectly. Hope you found a way to pull through it. I'm struggling a lot right now.

[sonya123]

Hi One can still move forward even when it feels hopeless. Wow that is powerful. I did something --anything I must do just one move forward movement