Subhuman

[failbot]

Well, my uncle died last week. Other than my mom crying a lot for a couple days after nothing's changed. I'm kind of disgusted with myself for not feeling anything about it. I've been successfully numbing out with porn instead of food so at least I've stopped gaining weight. It's really funny/pathetic how these dumb crutches completely take over my life, but I'm rolling with it. Because what the fuck else am I gonna do. This morning I feel like crying but can't. I don't know why. Guess I need to numb harder.

[manuel_moe_g]

Take care, failbot. You don't owe anyone any tears, your tears are something that come or go outside of your executive control. You are a good person.

[failbot]

So fucking angry about every stupid little thing. It all fucking sucks. I shouldn't have to keep living just so other people don't get their feelings hurt. No one ever gave a fuck about my feelings. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the world. I hate every goddamned inch of it. There's nothing really good about living. It only looks good sometimes so it can sneak up on you and hurt you. Again and again and again and again. That's all life is. You think it's getting better and then NOPE, FUCK YOU. There's no end to it. I should be able to end my life if I want to. None of this shit is fair. I was born to suffer and get beaten down and feel so fucking alone all the time. That's my purpose in life: to soak up pain and never get to talk about it, never be validated. I'm just not good enough for anybody in my life. I've never been good enough and I'll never be good enough. Fuck them all. Fuck life.

[Fargin]

I can't remember what it's like to really feel anything. That's so weird. Have I ever really felt anything, or have I just been pretending all along?

That's what I did all my life, till I got 39, two years ago.

I felt pressed into a corner with no options, with no future, no hope. I was desperate, scared or numb all my life and I was beginning to get tired of all of it, but I was also getting pissed off. I was pissed off at all the people stepping on my toes, all the people I had to please and pat on the back and I was pissed off at myself for doing it and never standing up for myself. I think beginning to notice my anger became a turning point, not only because I really didn't want to be an angry person, but also because I was fucking angry about the way I was treated growing up and at what I grew up to be: A big, round zero.

Fuck that shit.

None of this shit is fair. I was born to suffer and get beaten down and feel so fucking alone all the time. That's my purpose in life: to soak up pain and never get to talk about it, never be validated. I'm just not good enough for anybody in my life. I've never been good enough and I'll never be good enough. Fuck them all. Fuck life.

Amen.

This is what I believed too.

This is what I was told by the way I was treated as a child and this is the mindset I adopted to make sense of my life with some fucked up parents. Not giving a fuck about myself and choking the fear, the sadness, the loneliness, the anger and the humiliation inside me was the only way I could exist. However ignoring all the feelings inside me, also meant what I survived all the negative feelings, but also started to mistrust all the positive feelings, actually I mistrusted all feelings and if you can't use your feelings, you can't use your intuition and then you can't do anything right in your life. You'll just go from one fuck up to another.

Problem is, when you're numbing out your feelings, you're also numbing out your intuition, which is a major component in your thought process, your gut feeling and you're also numbing about the main component to motivate/promote actions. You're fear provokes you to into running away from the tiger or your anger makes you kick it's ass, but there's also a third survival mechanism, which is to go numb and limb and hope that the tiger loses interest after mauling you for a while.

My self image is an useless fuck, who don't know how to stand up for himself, because I wrongly believe standing to someone makes me the same abusive person, who raised me. This means, that if I order a Latte and they bring me the wrong order, I can't even get myself to say: "I'm sorry, I think you made a mistake," out of fear that, I'll upset the barista.

However I also realized, that I've become my own toughest judge and no one ever judges me as hard as I do myself.

Right now, I'm working on accepting my feelings, without hating myself for feeling them, because this seems to decrease not only my self loathing, but also my fears and worries. This also mean, that I'm not numb all the time anymore and because I'm not constantly numb, I'm slowly becoming more and more active. Another cool thing is, that by allowing myself to feel again, also allows me to feel positive emotions and because I'm not constantly trying to confirm, that I'm a stupid, useless asshole, I'm not automatically filtering away positive feedback and praise anymore. Can you imagine that? Allowing yourself to be praised and allowing yourself to take it in, without feeling disgusted with yourself?

Two years ago, I wouldn't believe where I am today.
Three years ago, I was planing to set myself on fire.

This is not easy, but feelings serve a purpose, they are there to help you express yourself and to motivate you to take action. So you have to somehow work on getting back in touch with your feelings and you've got to start changing your self-image. Because if you believe you're a giant bag of shit, you'll look at the world to find evidence, that confirms that you are.

If it was easy, it wouldn't hard, but trying has been worth it for me. I'm not anywhere near, where I want to be or become, but I'm feeling less and less disgusted and appalled about myself. I'm 41 and hanging on for 40 ass sucking years, waiting for things to turn, I'm happy I did.

[failbot]

Okay, after all the amazing responses and support in this thread I owe you guys an update.

I'm getting help. I'm on a Zoloft generic and I'm seeing a really great therapist. In a couple weeks I'll be seeing a psychiatrist (who works with the therapist) to re-evaluate my medication. I still feel shitty most of the time, and the suicidal thoughts haven't stopped completely, but a little better is still better. It's scary and anxiety-inducing to have my mental illnesses out in the open (I've left both therapy appointments shaking and exhausted), but it's better than the complete hopelessness I was stuck in for so long.

Thank you all so much for hearing me out and being so kind and sharing your own experiences. It means a lot, and it's been so helpful.

[manuel_moe_g]

Glad to hear you are on the road to feeling better, failbot. You deserve it. Keep up the great work you are doing in therapy.

[Glock therapy]

That is really great news 'bot. Not "Yay, you've joined the fold of people 'getting help,'" but that given that you decided to do so that you're with someone you consider already to be a "great therapist." I'm lucky to have a good one and that means literally my life to me. So much pain, though not all of it, becomes just slightly tolerable when it can be shared, seems to me. I've also gone through the process of sifting through shitty therapists and I would wish on no one that absurd nightmare (OK maybe my ex-gf's mom, but only her and she's really special). Glad to hear that your efforts were rewarded, and regardless of outcome I think the discussion that went on here was really cool in its honesty and the sort of thing I come for here that really can be had nowhere else that I know of.

-gt

[walklikeanegyptian]

Hey, bot: Your post brought tears to my eyes. I read your "screed" back in January and it hurt my heart to hear your pain, because I've been there. I am so fucking glad you're feeling even a little bit better. I really am.

[rivergirl]

Bot,
I've thought of you quite a few times over the past months, and it was so good to see your post. I'm relieved to hear that things are a bit better for you!

rg