numb...

[Wonderbread]

What do you do when it feels like nothing matters? Depression usually makes me feel hopeless but lately I’ve just been feeling so numb. It’s like all of the sudden I am questioning everything…every time I think of something to work towards or that will help me climb out of this hole, I’m overcome with thoughts like, “what does it even matter anyway?” It’s like I’m too numb to even feel hopeless. I’m all of the sudden questioning why I am here and if anything really matters and what is even real. I feel like I have nothing to hold onto…it’s just not like me.

Sorry I’m babbling…just so many thoughts and I’m scared that depression is going to completely take over again. I’m hoping that these thoughts are the depression talking and not reality. I really hope I didn’t bring anyone down…I’m so sorry for the dark post. I guess I’m just looking for anyone’s advice for steps I can take to rise above this. Is it possible to feel again and to find meaning after you feel like you’ve lost these things?

Thank you so much for listening. It means so much. I hope that whoever is reading this can feel some hope and light today.

[Wonderbread]

Just wanted to add that I am currently on medication and am seeing a therapist. Thank you in advance to anyone who takes time to read/respond

[aiden]

Hey, so I've struggled with depression since I was 14 (I'm 34). The strongest episodes that really stick out to me are when I was 14, 25 and 30. 14 and 25 were filled with extreme sadness and crying all the time but 30 was just this numb, apathetic state where I physically crashed and couldn't feel or cry any more. It felt different than the other two times, but just as bad. Anyways, I got on meds after not being on them for about 5 years (I was against taking them for a while) and man, did they work. I really don't think I could've pulled out of it without them. They didn't make me happy all the time, but I got back to feeling like a functional human with a sense of humor and capable of feeling all sorts of emotions, including happiness. Once I was out of the depression I considered it pretty amazing that I was feeling so vital and enjoying life when just a couple months earlier, I had barely been able to get out of bed or eat and just wanting to die.

Anyways, currently I'm in the lovely throws of another numb depression, not as severe but it still totally sucks. I think it's got to do with the birth control I started taking and maybe needing to switch antidepressant meds after being on the same pill too long. But I know things can change, so that's the only reason I'm still trucking. Also, I try to exercise, meditate and do something social every day, because I know at least it can't hurt and even if it just keeps me treading water in my current mental state, it's better than sinking lower, and it'll be good to establish these habits for my future self. The action definitely had to come before motivation, so I had a lot of false along with losing faith in myself. I found it easier to start with just doing ONE thing a day, and I picked meditation because I could do it laying in bed haha. Anyways, as for me, I'm still waiting to find the right birth control/antidepressant combo to get out of this numb feeling. I've been going through the motions for about 2 months now. The only time I actually enjoyed something was in a dream I had where I was actually having fun at a party. But I figure if I could still feel enjoyment in my sleep then those neural pathways must still be in there somewhere.

Anyway, I hope therapy is helping you and that you got some sort of help or at least mild solace from all this rambling! Best of luck to you.

[aiden]

Whoops! That was supposed to say "had a lot of false starts and losing faith in myself" Oh, lord. Hope it makes more sense now

[Cami]

Hi Wonderbread. (love the name)

I hope things has gotten just a pinch better for you, since you posted this a month-ish ago.

I am very familiar with the numb-depression combo. And it's a bitch. My brain usually goes down this road:
"Why go for a run? You're gonna die eventually anyway. Why do the dishes? Who cares?! Someday you'll be dead anyway!" It's obsessed with the fact that I WILL die someday, and uses it as an excuse to make my life worse.

But that I can deal with, I talk myself into running, meditating, going to work, doing dishes etc etc all day everyday because I know I'll feel better if I do it.

The real kicker for me, is that my feelings don't go very high or very low. It's just all the same grey mush of numbness. That's what gets to me.
I'm not excited, I'm not angry, I'm not sad, I'm not happy. I so MISS being excited about things, looking forward to things.

Wow, this got long-winded. What I meant to say was: hang in there. It can get better.