Safety plan

[manuel_moe_g]

RG, great people like yourself should have no need for shame. You are definitely in our thoughts. Take care, this terrible time has a beginning, a middle, and an end.

[brownblob]

Thinking about you. If all you can do is a few minutes at a time, then do a few minutes at a time. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

[snoringdog]

Hello RG,

Stress at work has been a real problem for me as well.

Don't know your job situation, but ask for help when you need it, and let people know when you're just not able to do everything.
We're asked to do so much in so little time, and there are always manufactured deadlines and "emergencies", right?
(I often need to tell myself that I'm just one person and can't do everything....)

Can you disconnect from work over the weekend? Find something diverting?

We'll be checking in!

[Beany Boo]

Getting through minutes at a time actually sounds like a really good strategy. That’s what I do when I’m struck by shame that takes days to process. Heck, that’s what I do under normal circumstances.

I spend minutes just trying to make my living space safe. I leave at least once a day for food. If I encounter a shame spiral, I go with it, like a patient, though frustrated, loving parent. If I’m set upon by panic, I initiate Zazen breathing and continue indefinitely, or until I come out of it. If I’m panicking in bed at night, I get up and go to another room, and sit in the dark looking at the night sky. I try not to put too much into words in my head. A lot of whatever it overwhelmingly is, can happen effortlessly in silence. It is scary though, for absolute sure.

I hope this helps even if it’s not the help you directly need in this moment. No need to reassure me though. Let this be about you. At least until you’re safe again.

[oak]

RiverGirl! Thanks for posting. Post here 100 times this weekend, if you like.

Also, you are facing some difficult things:

1. The workplace is under unprecedented turmoil: many people like WFH, and choose not to come. We’ve never seen such churn and turmoil.

2. The idea of dating, as a woman, to say nothing of online dating, terrifies me. And I’m a straight dude!

You are not alone. Keep us posted!

[rivergirl]

Thank you all for your support.

Yesterday evening I read your thoughtful messages, did aerobic exercise and yoga, and did some writing. I felt some hope at that point, but after another night of poor sleep and work dreams it seems impossible again.

My worst fear isn't that I will harm myself, but that this will just continue (grief, loneliness, inability to change or accept life events and my current situation).

Thank you for listening.

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

Good sleep makes all the difference. I've had alternating good-and-bad nights and have really seen that, this week.
Have you tried the Valerian?

And work dreams, yes. That's your "helpful" brain trying to anticipate dangers and work things out (unfortunately not so helpful at times...)
Are there ways for you to manage or get help for your workload, or is this just something that needs to be slogged through and done, this time?

As for the rest.... yes... wow. That's heavy weight.
All I can say is that we're here to listen, and provide whatever encouragement we can for you.

Take care.

SD

[rivergirl]

Snoringdog, I'm sorry you're experiencing work stress and sleep issues as well. I didn't find the valerian yet but may order it online. I hope this will be a better week for you, sleepwise.

Beany, thank you for sharing your experiences. It's hard for me to take in much information right now, but I know your comments will come back to me later. I especially want to consider this: "I try not to put too much into words in my head. A lot of whatever it overwhelmingly is, can happen effortlessly in silence."

My particular stress right now is about sudden personnel changes among staff I supervise and I expect this will go on for at least the next few months. I chose my current job partly because it didn't involve supervision, but that was added to my responsibilities six years ago, and is still the hardest aspect of my job for me. So often now at my work I'm also seeing people my age and younger all around me retiring to spend time with their spouses and families, travel, etc. and I feel like I've already missed so much of my life and am continuing to miss it.

I'm trying to practice acceptance, gratitude, reframing situations, etc. but am still experiencing extreme lows.

Thanks again for listening and for being here.

[oak]

So often now at my work I'm also seeing people my age and younger all around me retiring to spend time with their spouses and families, travel, etc. and I feel like I've already missed so much of my life and am continuing to miss it.

Word.

Like you, I observe them having so much.

I thought of you, RiverGirl, with your online dating difficulties, while I was at a small salsa dance last night:

The image that came to mind is that, socially, I am holding pieces, shards. I can't put the pieces together. They are slippery and oblong and I drop them. They don't fit, they are different colors, and different types and different materials. Everyone else has zeppelins and electron microscopes and jetpacks while I am trying to write the word "cat" in the sand at the beach: the waves wash it away.

I can't put the pieces together because I don't have the instructions. It is both a vision I can't shake, and something like a waking, conscious nightmare. I can't put the pieces together.

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way too.

My first impulse is to reassure you that everything will get better for you and that at your age, you still have plenty of time. But I know how hollow that can sound when you've already probably waited much longer than feels bearable.

All I can say is that I know that you deserve love and happiness, and that it isn't your fault that you weren't brought up with the tools you needed to achieve your dreams so far.

rg