Subhuman

[failbot]

So this is going to be a miserable screed. Maybe don't even read it. Not that I think I could ever move anyone to feel anything. I'm just saying you're not going to get any inspiration or insight here. I'm a bag of garbage with fingers sitting at a keyboard. You're not going to be edified by this.

It's not going to get better. I'm in my late-twenties and have less life experience than your average high-schooler. Never drove, never fucked. I'm too scared to reach out or get help. I've grown disdainful of recovery stories because no one ever fucking tells you how to get help. They just say "get help" like it's a thing you just do. Does anyone understand that I fucking can't? You might as well tell my fat ass to do a backflip.

I don't have any friends. I can't talk to my family. All I know how to do is act like everything's fine and try to earn my keep. I haven't worked since I was 20 and no one will hire some fuckwit with a GED who hasn't worked in seven years. I've tried to get better on my own and I can't. I fail everything I try. I can't stick with exercising or eating decently. Shitty food is one of the few things that still numbs me--at least until I eat so much that I remember to hate myself--and I can't give it up. I've tried and tried and tried. I can't make it work.

So fuck it. I can't ask for help and no one is going to help me. No one can help me. I'm subhuman. The things that work for people aren't going to work for me because I'm not people. There's so much I don't understand and so much I can't do. I can't even cry.

All my thoughts are negative and nothing feels good. I don't recognize the me who was a person. There used to be a me who had a life and some hopes and took showers, but he's gone now. I killed him with my bad decisions. I can't get him back, so there's no reason to care or try. There's no reason to hold on to what he used to want to be. I'm just wearing his skin. Maybe I'll get so fat it'll tear open. The black filth inside will spill out and everyone will know I'm subhuman trash wearing a people-suit. Or maybe they wouldn't even notice.

Good things aren't for me. I can only pollute them and turn them into shit to hurt myself with. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I never wanted to be poison.

[Fargin]

Hi failbot,

I read your post and I felt your post. I don't know what to tell you, because I don't want to provoke you by trying to cheer you up. When I was at my worst, I stopped being around people, because pretending to be cheered up, by well meaning people is so hard. "Getting help" is as meaningless as taking a shower or crying, because what good will that really do?

I don't think that the "me," you use to be, has been is killed off. I kind of think, he's the guy that forced you to post here. Posting here is a bit like crying in the shower. It's a secret place, where you can lower your defenses, just for a little bit, without many consequences. Maybe you can practice that here, among us fellow subhumans.

[rivergirl]

Hey Failbot,
In addition to Fargin, another subhuman here. I like your name and your writing. I have a hard time not believing my depression when it's at it's worst, but I've learned that it lies sometimes. You said, "Not that I think I could ever move anyone to feel anything". I read your post this afternoon and I cried. So there's one thing your depression may have been wrong about. I think why I cried is that you wrote so descriptively about how I was feeling before I started posting here, and seeking other ways to let out of some of my pain. I don't want anyone else to feel as bad as I did at that point. I don't want you to feel that bad. I don't know what else to say, just that I'll read anything you want to post.

Rivergirl

[failbot]

Thanks for the kind words.

I feel fucking old. I'm tired and sore all the time and I don't even do anything. Sometimes I have to get up and piss three times a night.

I'm not falling apart fast enough. I wish I could explode. It's scary to feel so out of control. I never drank or tried any drugs because I never wanted to lose control, but I'm losing it anyway. My life is a minefield and a nightmare and I'm sick of it. Nothing can change it.

I had it so much more together when I was 17. I was smarter then. I used to know how to talk to people. I used to read books. How does someone with so many advantages get so fat, so dumb, and so shitty?

[Domino51]

I am much where you are now. I'm not goin to tell you to get help. I'm quite sure manuel_moe will send you a bunch of links to suicide hotlines. When he did that to me, I felt like I was being patted on the head and being told "there, there". The truth is you may get better, you may not. Drugs can help to a point and so can therapy, but they can also hit a plateau.

All I can say is...if you want to vent you can message me.

[fifthsonata]

Manny is just doing what he can. There really isn't a good way to respond to someone when they're feeling this way. When words don't help sometimes it's nice to see those resources in front of you. Just in case.


I've felt this too. I haven't felt how you've felt, but I can only say how I felt - when the ache would creep in to my chest and the panic at knowing I have to shower. Leave my house. Go to work. Fuck, I'd hide in the bathrooms when I could and cut myself like a Christmas ham to divert my emotions to a more tolerable state. I'd stay late at night, when everyone had gone home, and cry in the fucking basement, face down, trying to get the will to drive myself home. And then you bully the shit out of yourself because you KNOW it's ridiculous to not have the energy to do laundry or go home, but you just can't get there. I've attempted suicide on more than one occasion and does my family know? No. Will I tell them? Someday, I hope.

There is no magic answer. There is no prescribed route to get help, and what has helped me may not help you.

I can say that there is a start, and that's finding a therapist. If you have no insurance, google "sliding scale therapy" and your city to see what's available. There's usually a waiting list for them, but you take what you can get. Also, if you want any help looking for options where you live, send me a message and I would more MORE than willing to help you look for therapists near you - you don't need to give me a name or anything, just tell me the city and I'll see what I can find.

You are worth more than you think. I know my words mean nothing and you may be shaking your head in disagreement that I don't understand because I don't know you, but also know that depression lays a horrible veil over us and lies to our fucking faces.

And I'm serious - let me know if you want some help finding a place to start, okay?

[gfyourself]

Just wanted to say I`ve read this and I feel the same way. It feels like there is no one to reach out to. I also feel like I`m sort of lolling around in my own juices (not literally) feeling sorry for myself. I suppose that there are some things that I can do but it doesn`t feel like it will help. I do just want to give up.

[failbot]

I really appreciate the offer, fifthsonata, but I can't. I've looked up therapists, found three who would take my mediocre insurance, and have had their Psychology Today profiles open in tabs in my web browser for over a month. But there's no way I could start therapy without my family knowing it, and I can't talk about this with them. I can't adequately describe what the thought of doing so does to me. It makes me emotionally nauseous. I'd rather sit in the trap and die.

[Fargin]

Sometimes, you're not ready for therapy, I was in therapy on and off for a long time, without really believing in it. My private plan was to endure the next 20-40 years somehow and hope natural causes would arrive sooner than later.

When I found Paul's podcast, I always loved Paul signing off at the end of the show: "You're not alone, there is hope, there is help, if you're willing to get out of your comfort zone." I never considered applying this to myself, but I imagined that other listeners found use in the word and that soothed me a little bit. Unfortunately my plan to endure this life, wasn't working. Isolating and numbing myself wasn't working. I couldn't keep my fear and dark thoughts at bay.

If you're not ready for therapy, just keep listening to the podcast. Although Paul says, it's not a substitute for professional therapy, and it's a lot better than nothing at all. After listening to about 100 episodes, I felt a surprising spark of hope, when Paul signed a show off with: "There is hope." I don't know why, I just did. If you're feeling hopeless, just hang on as hard as you can, because if hope return, hope is worth waiting for.

[fifthsonata]

You can opt for therapy without insurance. They don't have to know you have insurance and your family doesn't have to know you're getting any.