I can't figure out why I can't keep friends

[Cernan]

All my life I've had an inferiority complex, I have been obese all my life so that I'm sure was the big reason. But when I started to really get hit hard with depression the people who I thought were my friends bailed on me. Since then I've tried making new ones whether it be in person or online but I always end up overstaying my welcome. I'm not an ahole, I'm a nice guy. My sense or humor is a bit odd but it's not disgusting or offensive as far as I can tell, it's pretty goofy actually. I'm kind and loyal and was generous back when I had money to help others out with. But I can't keep friends, and everywhere I go I feel like no one likes me and no one wants to be my friend.

I wish we as humans didn't need others to be happy, physically I could go the rest of my life never seeing a soul except for going out to get groceries and the like and be perfectly fine. I wish it were so mentally. I want to just withdraw from the world but I know I can't. I can't believe in a world with billions of people I feel so alone, I feel like an alien on my own planet. Like i'm not a part of society because I don't fit in to it. I wish I could end it all but my morality in the guilt I feel about doing that to my family prevents me from the escape I so desperately seek.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Cernan,

Since then I've tried making new ones whether it be in person or online but I always end up overstaying my welcome. ... But I can't keep friends, and everywhere I go I feel like no one likes me and no one wants to be my friend.

I know this feeling. I replay hundreds of incidents in my mind, and I guess it is just too exhausting to be around me, or I seem too aloof from the outside, or people pick up on that I am unstable, or I sense rejection where there really is none and withdraw too quickly myself. And my social anxiety keeps me from overcoming these negative parts about me.

The only advice I can give is "if you want a friend, be a friend", where I try to break down the barriers for the benefit of another soul that I wish somebody would break down for me. I won't lie and say that it is easy or say that it is a perfect solution. But at least it is something to start with, and it is an active solution, one where you don't have to wait for everything to be perfect to start.

You are suffering now because of bad circumstances you don't deserve, that is clear from your posts. Please know that you are not alone. If you keep trying something will click -- it is just a bummer that the most effective way to move forward is to work relentlessly on yourself, even during those times when you feel almost too weak to do so. All the best to you, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[Massimo]

I'm curious, Cernan, about whether you'd really like to have some of the so-called "friends" I've had through my life. Often, feeling a bit lonely is way better than feeling uneasy and used, or tagging along with things you'd rather not do. I've grown very choosy and picky through the years and have filed almost all the people I thought were my friends under "acquaintances". You're better off spilling your beans with a total stranger than with someone that may decide to stab your back.

[Brooke]

I really know how you feel...I have huge insecurities, social anxieties myself. In the past, I would get so lonely that it would cause severe, day-long panic attacks. I feel like no one cares about me and I'm going to fall apart. And I say this with all of the love I have in my heart for you...trying to fill that lonely void with other people is not the answer... No one can fill the empty void inside yourself...I know it's so harsh to say, but it's because I want you to be on a path where you can feel secure in yourself. I've been on this path for a while and even though I'm still struggling myself, I feel tons better knowing that I'M the only one who can truly be there for myself.

When we "need" other people to fill our loneliness, that's codependency and people can sense that. Some great books are Let Go Now, I Need Your Love Is That True, Codependent No More, Boundaries to name a few. You don't have to be an alcoholic going to AAs in order to have codependency. Everybody has it to an extent. But it is so much better if you recognize your codependency on others and try to deal with it.

I've cut a lot of shallow, social friends out of my life and just kept a very few that I can truly be honest with. You are always going to be in a weak position if you keep "needing" others to give you what you want. You gain so much respect for yourself and others will treat you that way as well. Once you can deal with your loneliness yourself and give yourself what you need, you won't be so "needy" with others. You will probably find true friends that you can share everything with.

When you are secure with yourself, then you can be more open with others because you are not in position where you are needing their approval. You can be yourself and if they don't like that, you are still going to be ok. And when you find people who love you for who you really are (and not the you who is desperate for their acceptance), that's true friendship.

I really hope you can start to look inside you and deal with your issues one by one. I'm really rooting for you because I know how it's like to feel so lonely and needy. I know you are a caring, kind person. There's nothing wrong with your personality, it's just the codependency that's getting in the way. Good luck!