Tell me this, do you almost hope you could be out driving and run upon a bus full of burning people...I mean, not the people burning..the bus is on fire and it sup to you to save them.
Thus, you would be a worthwhile person. Had you not been there, they would all be dead. However, it was YOU who came through on this day. Proof you are worthwhile!
So, guess what happened to me. I did end up pulling a lady out through the windshield of her car. No fire, but it could have.
They said I saved her. I even used my shirt t bandage a massive cut on her arm.
I felt worthwhile for a good 45 minutes, maybe an hour. Then the reality took over and I realized anyone would have helped her.
I was glad to have gone through this. I think maybe people like us were survivors. Our ancestors were. They were the ones who never had enough food or water to be content. Thus, when bad things happened, they survived while the content cave man starved to death.
I had a crazy, 3/4 insane therapist who showed me something one afternoon. He threw a punch at me. Way, way too close to be funny. As I protected myself he said, "SEE, I'm trying to tie in into THAT". You'll try to kill yourself, so why protect yourself from a punch?
Of course, he died from a drug overdose, but still...
Deemed unfixable
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neufena
- Posts: 131
- Joined: December 24th, 2012, 7:46 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Self worth, anxiety, being a failure.
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: Manchester, UK
Re: Deemed unfixable
Hi,
Thanks again for your replies. I'm busy (as always) but will try to answer a couple of the questions:
I've had 2 lots of CBT and this recent therapy was supposed to be 'Compassionate Mind Therapy'. I don't have the luxury of changing therapists. I'm in the UK and have no money or private healthcare, I rely on the NHS and have to take what I can get.
rc409, honestly that's not the sort of thing I wish for. I would (of course, like anyone) help and do my bit it an emergency but as it's something anyone would do it doesn't make me special or worthwhile. I often say it but there's a Simpson's episode where Homer see's his own funeral, nobody can think of anything to say about him. That's my fear, that all people will say is platitudes, I will have nothing anyone can point at and say 'Look, he did that'
I did make one little step today, I called and made an appointment for the doctor. I will try and find out if there's any hope for me or any other treatment I can get. I think it went ok, I hate using the phone as people put me on the spot and I can't prep for every possible way the call might go.
Thanks again for your replies. I'm busy (as always) but will try to answer a couple of the questions:
I've had 2 lots of CBT and this recent therapy was supposed to be 'Compassionate Mind Therapy'. I don't have the luxury of changing therapists. I'm in the UK and have no money or private healthcare, I rely on the NHS and have to take what I can get.
rc409, honestly that's not the sort of thing I wish for. I would (of course, like anyone) help and do my bit it an emergency but as it's something anyone would do it doesn't make me special or worthwhile. I often say it but there's a Simpson's episode where Homer see's his own funeral, nobody can think of anything to say about him. That's my fear, that all people will say is platitudes, I will have nothing anyone can point at and say 'Look, he did that'
I did make one little step today, I called and made an appointment for the doctor. I will try and find out if there's any hope for me or any other treatment I can get. I think it went ok, I hate using the phone as people put me on the spot and I can't prep for every possible way the call might go.
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Fargin
- Posts: 223
- Joined: December 28th, 2012, 6:01 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Avoidant Personality Disorder
- Location: Copenhagen
Re: Deemed unfixable
I remember a bit from the TV show The Wire, where Bubbles, an addict, is talking to Waylon, his AA sponsor. The sponsor is telling him about trying to help his drug addicted nephew, who he can't reach. The nephew is too young to admit he has a problem, so he has to let him carry on, until he gets tired of the drug life, because he's simply not ready to take a hard look at his life.
I was in therapy on and off though out my thirties and it really wasn't until 39, I was so worn out, that I was finally willing to completely surrender and lower my guards in therapy. I think, because my worthlessness was connected to my survival, I had to go on for so long, until my worthlessness finally became a threat to my life. I don't think, I was willing to let go of my worthlessness, until the only alternative was death.
I still believe, I'm worthless in my core, but I've also accepted, that I built this worthlessness as a shield to protect myself, a means to accept the environment I grew up in, simply a way to survive and make sense of the things, I had to endure. With that understanding, I know that worthlessness it the filter in which I experience myself, other people and the world, I accept why I have this perspective, why I needed this perspective, why this perspective is now hurting, more than it helps and why this perspective is so hard to let go of.
I'd recommend you try to examine the source of your worthlessness, the benefits and the drawbacks, why you need to identify with it, why it's dangerous to confront and question it or maybe even if you're not yet ready to question this worthless self-image.
I still fell worthless at my core, but I now think, that it's my perspective, more than my core, that's really fucked up. I'm not sure, that I'll ever get rid of this perspective, why I'm trying to be aware of it, that other people have a difference perspective of me and sometimes put my worthless perspective on the sideline, so I can cheat myself to feel a little happy about myself.
I was in therapy on and off though out my thirties and it really wasn't until 39, I was so worn out, that I was finally willing to completely surrender and lower my guards in therapy. I think, because my worthlessness was connected to my survival, I had to go on for so long, until my worthlessness finally became a threat to my life. I don't think, I was willing to let go of my worthlessness, until the only alternative was death.
I still believe, I'm worthless in my core, but I've also accepted, that I built this worthlessness as a shield to protect myself, a means to accept the environment I grew up in, simply a way to survive and make sense of the things, I had to endure. With that understanding, I know that worthlessness it the filter in which I experience myself, other people and the world, I accept why I have this perspective, why I needed this perspective, why this perspective is now hurting, more than it helps and why this perspective is so hard to let go of.
I'd recommend you try to examine the source of your worthlessness, the benefits and the drawbacks, why you need to identify with it, why it's dangerous to confront and question it or maybe even if you're not yet ready to question this worthless self-image.
I still fell worthless at my core, but I now think, that it's my perspective, more than my core, that's really fucked up. I'm not sure, that I'll ever get rid of this perspective, why I'm trying to be aware of it, that other people have a difference perspective of me and sometimes put my worthless perspective on the sideline, so I can cheat myself to feel a little happy about myself.
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neufena
- Posts: 131
- Joined: December 24th, 2012, 7:46 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Self worth, anxiety, being a failure.
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: Manchester, UK
Re: Deemed unfixable
I thought I'd post an update.
The GP was a waste of time, they did the patronising 'it must be so bad to feel like that all the time' routine. They told me to self refer to the local 'Self Help Services' which is basically back to step 1. It took me around 4 years to get to see a real psychologist last time.
If I was a dog they'd put me down.
I'm sick of this, why is there no help and nobody able to understand?
The GP was a waste of time, they did the patronising 'it must be so bad to feel like that all the time' routine. They told me to self refer to the local 'Self Help Services' which is basically back to step 1. It took me around 4 years to get to see a real psychologist last time.
If I was a dog they'd put me down.
I'm sick of this, why is there no help and nobody able to understand?
Re: Deemed unfixable
neufena,
I'm so sorry you haven't been able to find help that works for you. It isn't your fault that it hasn't helped, it's the fault of the system that forces you into a very limited range of choices (or it sounds like basically no choice) of doctors and therapists. I don't want to make another suggestion that seems unhelpful, but since affording professional treatment is an issue I'm just wondering if there's any way you can get to a free support group? For example here's one UK organization with support groups: http://www.depressionalliance.org/how-w ... elp-groups. I'm not saying that's a solution to everything but perhaps a place to start. It's incredibly frustrating and discouraging to seek help and find dead ends when you're already struggling, but please don't give up, you deserve to feel better.
rivergirl
I'm so sorry you haven't been able to find help that works for you. It isn't your fault that it hasn't helped, it's the fault of the system that forces you into a very limited range of choices (or it sounds like basically no choice) of doctors and therapists. I don't want to make another suggestion that seems unhelpful, but since affording professional treatment is an issue I'm just wondering if there's any way you can get to a free support group? For example here's one UK organization with support groups: http://www.depressionalliance.org/how-w ... elp-groups. I'm not saying that's a solution to everything but perhaps a place to start. It's incredibly frustrating and discouraging to seek help and find dead ends when you're already struggling, but please don't give up, you deserve to feel better.
rivergirl
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neufena
- Posts: 131
- Joined: December 24th, 2012, 7:46 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Self worth, anxiety, being a failure.
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: Manchester, UK
Re: Deemed unfixable
Thanks rivergirl. I checked that link but unfortunately the only groups in Manchester are for under 30s. I've also looked for other groups online but they all seem to be within work hours or are not suitable for me. I guess in the UK support groups just aren't as popular. When i lived in Bristol (and was trying to work freelance so could go to a daytime group) I did go to one group but Idon't think they liked me. Prob because I don't have something to point to as being the cause of my depression.
Re: Deemed unfixable
I'm sorry a support group doesn't seem like it would be a possibility, Neufena. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I used to feel not just worthless but like I had a sub-zero negative worth. I felt sorry for others who had to interact with me because I thought I could only have a negative effect on them. I still struggle in certain areas of my life but I don't feel intrinsically worthless any more most of the time, so I think it is possible for that to change. I wish I knew what it was that would change it for you, and I could tell you. I hope you don't give up, I don't believe you're unfixable at all.