So scared of my depression right now

[rivergirl]

I feel bad posting this for a lot of reasons, but here I am. I'm scared because my depression seems worse now even though I've been getting help from a therapist this past year and more recently a psychiatrist. About six months ago it seemed like the therapy had helped and I was getting better, but then some things happened again in my life and I don't seem to be able to deal with them. Now my therapist is moving out of state this summer and I'm looking for a new one, and trying to decide if I should take a new anti-depressant my psychiatrist recommended. I'm still functioning on the surface but inside I feel terrified and overwhelmingly sad a lot of the time. I feel extremely alone.

[brownblob]

Hi Rivergirl,
Sorry to hear your going through a rough time right now. Depression can be a terrible thing to live with. I know. All I can say is keep struggling against it. I get pretty hopeless at times. It sucks to have this shitstorm raging in my head that no one else can see.
Hopefully, the new med and new therapist will be helpful.

[Imissmysun]

Hi sweety,

Thank you for sharing,

Depression is such a sucky insidious thing because it is always there just waiting for us to let it back in. And it doesnt take much to upset our balance.

Its ok to be scared. Its normal to be scared. Just keep being honest with yourself if the new med helps take the edge off then great if it does not then be honest and let your dr know.

Also there is a DNA test your dr can do that will give you a list of depression meds that you are predisposed to have little or no side effects to. Ask for it. It will give you a really firm starting place to discuss meds.

I think i would crumble if my therapist moved because she is awesome and gets me and I have done some good work with her starting over would be awful.

I feel so much empathy for you but just take it one day at a time dont feel badly sharing keep us posted and keep sharing.

If it gets too dark and you fall into the suicide thought pit please ask for help and call the help line

[Beany Boo]

rivergirl,

Good morning

If one of the reasons you don't want to post is fear of sharing, burdening or triggering others then relax on that score.

I feel amazing when I read someone reaching out like this.

There is a space to share this stuff, I think to myself. It is such a relief. And there might be other members who are wondering, "what do I do when this happens?"

I guess I would ask just as a matter of first aid, have you alerted your psychiatrist? Do.

Have you put your current therapist to work? If this severe terror is not something that can be worked through in the time you have then it might be worthwhile to bring it up just as a first aid matter. If you can't bring up emergencies? You don't have to bring it up as a 'topic of discussion' that might not get resolved for a while. Just a, "Hey I'm fucking terrified over here. Please don't let me get any worse right now?"

A problem with therapists can be that their skill set and their desired outcome doesn't allow them to 'step in'. But if you feel you're drowning then wave your hand so at least they know.

If you feel like you might not have the 'voice' or the trust to take this step that is okay too. If I'm struggling with any kind of medical issue involving a specialist of any kind and I need a basic action done that I can't seem to express to the specialist I go to my general physician and ask them to advocate for my care plan. Your general physician is like a broker in a first response position who knows enough to speak in an informed way with your specialist providers. They'll kind of say to your specialists, "whatever you're doing, try something else, quick."

Other things; It may not seem like it on the surface but a therapist's presence amidst your private shit can be a massive upheaval and their leaving could mean more than you have previously been prepared for. You might be feeling something about it that is complicating everything; a feeling that you're make up doesn't allow you to feel at the moment whether it is positive, like trust or negative, like betrayal. If you're aware of this, you can probably tell your therapist if this is happening. It may not change them leaving but it may shift how you're feeling. If you don't feel safe enough to share it, just know it is natural to be overwhelmed by these emotions, especially if you come from an environment where they seemed permitted to others to express, but not to you to feel. I am of course projecting at this point. Sorry rivergirl.

And, it is possible the new meds are having an adverse reaction and need the dose adjusted or the prescription changed. In that case, don't wait until your next appointment. Contact your psychiatrist's office and highlight to the clerk you may need your prescription adjusted. It's not confidential information per se but the clerk can relay it to your psychiatrist and get a response from them. Don't wait.

Whether it is a matter of how you negotiate with these service givers or because of events you're involved in in your personal life, I'm wishing you the best of chances to work it out.

I'm sure there is more I can't think of right now.

Whether I have helped or not, please don't feel like you have to let me know. You've got enough going on. And you've helped me.

Thank you SO MUCH for reaching out.

Love and hugs to you

Keep posting

[rivergirl]

Thank you so much, brownblob. I know from reading your past posts how much you struggle and really hope you can find some relief too.

[rivergirl]

Imissmysun & Beany Boo,
I was trying to reply to your posts but I suddenly find myself overwhelmed with fatigue (not sleeping or eating well right now). I'll just say that your kind words mean so much to me.

rivergirl

[E is for Elephant]

Others have given you better advice than I can, but I just wanted to chime in to say that you should never feel bad about posting here. The boards are here for that very reason. We "bizarrely, beautifully, fucked up" people have got to stick together. You are not alone.

[Imissmysun]

What you are going through is exhausting.

I am glad to have helped and your thoughtfulness to say anything means a lot.

I wrote a whole post last night and was suddenly overwhelmed with crushing fatigue and an overwhelming sense of nothingness and i just couldnt hit the submit button.

So i totally understand you.

We are here for you and we are listening and we understand

[oak]

Rivergirl!

Hang in there!

Just hold on.

How are things today?

[rivergirl]

I'm so grateful for all the replies, and the chance to be heard.

I'm sorry you were experiencing that overwhelming exhaustion last night too, Imissmysun. I have let my psychiatrist know how bad things have been and we've discussed doing the genetic test if the new medication doesn't help. I really appreciate your caring words.

Beany Boo, thank you for all your comments and suggestions and your kindness. I feel bad posting because I've already shared on this forum about my struggles over the past few years, and it feels like I should be better by now and not going through this again. Also, I do feel worried about burdening or discouraging others, and I feel a lot of shame right now. I agree that it can be a relief to know others are going through these things, so I'm trying not to feel too bad about what I'm sharing.

I think you're right that my therapist leaving is having a bigger impact on me than I thought it would. It's completely irrational but I feel a sense of abandonment. I think seeing her is possibly making things worse at this point, since I know she'll be gone soon and it feels a bit like she's already moved on.

Thank you for the encouragement, Oak. Waking up today was really hard, but I've set some small goals, including going to the pharmacy to fill my new medication prescription so I can start taking it tomorrow.