So scared of my depression right now

[Beany Boo]

You're welcome Rivergirl,

And I said that because I suspected you were in that place. That is real. It is also reality that not everyone finds recovery.

I don't believe it's possible for me any more.

The irony is this is where I lived for a decade. Even more ironically it coincided with the time I was in therapy in earnest.

It was only after I'd ceased any kind of treatment and resigned myself to my fate, my little 'skewered' existence, that a random event shifted everything.

I'm back in treatment now but it's to cope with the weirdness of a life I'm not used to, like a blind person who gets their vision.

I would never pressure anyone to "flee into health". That doesn't work in my experience. And just, the treatment is worse than the illness oftentimes. There's no crossing a finish line here; just management.

My experience has been giving up all hope and then having it show up quietly some time quite later on, unprompted.

I didn't realise straight away what had happened. And my life is still little. There's just an even littler, night-light in it now.

I'm also sorry for posting so much. But your telling resonated so much with me I felt compelled. I hope I'm not rubbing it in or making it about me; that's not my intent, at all.

I'll keep checking in.

[Imissmysun]

So yeah, depression is like the missing piece book where the circle missing a piece comes across the scribble... that scribble is the route that navigating and healing and dealing with depression takes - it is not easy it is not always peaches and sometimes you fall backwards - I wish there was a magic berry that made it just stop so that the burden on my body would lift - and I have moments of it - but its never completely gone -

It also seems a lot like a little kid doing a maze puzzle with a pen and when they hit a dead end they just turn the line the other way and try a different route - you often feel like you are heading back to the beginning like all the work you did or thought you did was horse poop and totally not worth it - BUT... but, subsequent dark moments you have new found skills to cope you through it...

And for the girl thing - fuhgedaboutit - I am about your age and I know that my development pretty much stopped when my dad died - I am very much still a girl in a lot of ways - I feel like my coping skills just sort of stopped there - so I am a girl in a lady body -

Hope your day is going better

[rivergirl]

Beany,
I'm glad things have shifted for you, and that there's a little night-light in your life now. You radiate a lot of hope to others in your posts, and I hope you feel some of that for yourself too.

Imissmysun,
Thank you for your hopeful words too. I feel like I've been hitting some dead ends, but maybe it's true that we never go all the way back to the beginning when we start trying to learn and get better.

I hope you're both having a peaceful day today.

rivergirl (in a lady body - that one actually made me smile a little, imissmysun)

[rivergirl]

I wanted to wait and maybe post an update after I was feeling better, but that hasn't happened yet. I haven't given up. I'm continuing to do the things that have been suggested by my therapist & psychiatrist, but many times like today my sadness & pain are overwhelming me and I lose hope that there's anything better in my future.

I just read through what I'd typed below and my inner voice is telling me I should just fucking grow up, get over it, and stop complaining about things that are not as bad as what other people deal with every single day. I'm posting it anyway because I don't know what else to do right now but I'm so ashamed of myself.

I'm on my 3rd medication in 6 months and it isn't working. My psychiatrist said the next step is to increase the dose, but now it's questionable if my HMO will even continue to cover this medication at all. I just got a letter from them saying that my psychiatrist should have tried several less expensive medications first. I'm wondering if medication can even help me at all at this point.

I've been contacting therapists listed in my HMO directory but haven't found one that actually takes my HMO & is accepting new patients, is still in my area, etc. I've contacted at least 25 therapists so far. My current therapist is leaving in two weeks.

I know it's worse for those who don't have insurance, so I feel bad even complaining about any of this. I'm just starting to feel like maybe effective help isn't really available and I feel desperation creeping in.

I find myself afraid of a lot of things that I never thought about before, like being in buildings or rooms that are dimly lit and/or don't have windows. I've lost 40 lbs. I needed to lose the weight, but it's strange to find it so hard to eat sometimes after having been overweight for many years. My clothes are too big but I dread going into stores to buy new clothes.

I think this weekend may be especially bad because of some all-class high school reunion events going on in my town that are reminders of my ex who cut off all communication with me last August. He was someone who I dated long ago in high school who contacted me online after many years. I didn't attend the reunion but my family are involved and were talking about it a lot, and I took my elderly mom there to drop her off this morning so she could attend. My ex is in another state and I know I should be over him by now but somehow lately I feel more abandoned by him than ever. It took a lot for me to trust him since he was the first person I dated several years after my ex-husband had left me for his coworker after a long marriage when I was 40. My most recent ex told me how different he was, that he would never leave a woman once he made a commitment, that his dream since high school was to marry me. He didn't keep any of the promises he made, and it feels like I lost too many years to the relationship. I'm afraid that I'm too old and damaged now to find anyone else. Or that even if anyone would want me, I'm too scared to even try dating again.

Also, just before my ex cut off communication with me, his father had just passed away and left a cat that I agreed to care for temporarily and that my ex then abandoned with me. I already had my elderly mom and her cat living with me and really didn't have the room or any desire to adopt an animal, but I couldn't euthanize a cat that I was already caring for. I love the cat because I would love any animal that is with me, but it's been hard having this constant reminder of my ex and his deceased parents with me every single day for over a year. Over this summer a medical condition that I'd been treating the cat for got worse, and he needs injections of fluids several times a week at home. I don't think I can do it, but he's not ill enough that vets are recommending euthanizing him either. I've tried taking him in to the vet to get the fluids over the past month but now he hides whenever he thinks I'm going out. I'm agonizing over what to do. I know that's probably ridiculous because people make medical decisions about their pets all the time. Maybe it's more agonizing because of all the emotion about my ex and his parents that are tied up in this cat for me.

I feel trapped in a lot of ways. I'm so tired of grieving my marriage and this more recent relationship. I blame myself because I waited too long to date after my marriage ended so I was probably too desperate by the time the guy from high school contacted me. I'm trying to hold on to the hope that I won't feel this bad for the rest of my life. Right now I wake up with a lot of dread at facing each day. I think about ending my life but then there's the horrible guilt of hurting my family, especially my mom.

If anyone has actually tried to read this, I apologize for how long and rambling it is.

rivergirl

[oak]

Rivergirl! You're doing good.

Regarding your therapists and medicine, I'll admit that you are in a situation. You are not in a pickle, a debacle, or a mess. Thank goodness.

Reading that you have contacted 25 service providers, I have to say the following: I think you're going to be okay.

I say that not in a trite, glib, or condescending way. I say that as a man. A together man doesn't go around saying something just to be nice. A lesser man might, but I'd like to think I am a man.

Maybe this will be the exception, but in all my experiences I've never seen someone who takes such action be permanently disappointed. I have no idea that things will turn around for you. They might not.

But everytime I've seen someone struggling like you are (read: taking action), I've always seen them come out well. You may very well need to call ten times as many therapists. You may need to call one more, finding the 251st to be just what you need.

Being a custodian of a cat, struggling with HMOs, aging parents, and romantic disappointments are a grown person's game, an adult's situation.

You've got what it takes. I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it.

[rivergirl]

Thank you so much, Oak. I just came back to see if I could delete my post hoping that it hadn't been read or responded to yet, but I feel a bit less ashamed about having posted and a bit less afraid due to your encouragement.

[Beany Boo]

rivergirl,

Good afternoon

This will sound weird.

You sound like you're doing everything right.

You're doing an astonishing job of protecting yourself from all the psychic assaults in your life.

You don't need to take into account either your ex(s)' or your families' (your mother's) expectations of you. If you don't feel seen by them then you don't owe them explanations. You can make decisions without them.

There seems to be one issue amidst all the issues that are cycling. I can't see from your writing what it is but I would suggest focussing on it only, and on applying your efforts to it. It might be difficult to discern because it's subtle in all this noise, or might seem less important amidst all the urgency.

There's no doubt you're strong and can protect yourself, but it feels like you're unsure what you're protecting yourself from.

I wish you well in your search for a therapist for this reason.

[Imissmysun]

Amazing River-WOMAN

You have been through so much and of course you are over-whelmed... Taking care of an aging parent is unto itself a mountain - you are doing that and dealing with massive emotional pain...

I completely understand the emotional reminders of romantic disappointments and all the crud that brings up... I can do you one better than having all communication dropped - God I wish that the man had - instead he very messily and with no real actual affirmation that we were no longer together left to go meet some girl in CA that he had some cosmic connection with - he came back about two weeks later with her - she moved in.. to my bedroom, with my ex - I hadn't even really had time to really figure out what had happened - talk about a TRIGGER to not healing - try living with your ex in the same house with him and his brand new interest - it was HELL - so... silver lining you could have made a huge sized sunnygirl mistake and ended up a huge mess like me - you don't want to know what he is up to nor do you need to think anything is wrong with you because it is not - that person had his own crap on a cracker to deal with - his inability to connect or commit or be honest thats his deal - has nothing to do with you -

You are strong you are awesome you will find a way to process this - and high school reunions should be flipping banned - I think they are insidious and awful things - the past is in the past for a reason - ugh lets have a present party - you are in the present and alive I am in the present and alive so awesome sauce - and as far as I know I am healthy (except for my brain but lets be real here we are in the US and everyone knows mental health isnt really important here so... I guess I am healthy according to western medicine)... which side note really needs to change - I mean its the 21st century lets get some perspective here world -

So you rock you are doing great self care keep knocking on Dr doors - keep searching for a new therapist - it may actuall be good to start over with therapy right now - open some fresh new thought patterns - get a new perspective on old patterns - I think my eyes spy a window right next to the slammed door!

Oh! ANd never ever ever do you have to feel ashamed of your feelings - they are yours and they are real and they are good - however no one judges here - we all come here to spill and heal in little bits - your stuff is HUGE and its a lot on your plate - you are not making anything up you are not making anything bigger than it is you are not doing any of those things - you are living a overfull over-whelming life - and I noted not a lot of time for self care - take a wee bit of that time for yourself -

Thinking about you River

[rivergirl]

I just want to say thank you, Beany & Imissmysun. It means a lot to me that you listened and took the time to reply.

rivergirl

[Imissmysun]

Anytime

You deserve it.